Newcomer's brief summary

[RealityTrip]

We all see your replies. The reply button just gives your post and RE: at the top so we can see to whom you are responding.

You're certainly right about it not making sense to me. The big thing is this, and just humor me, please; My wife is a professional with 3 advanced degrees and earned a 6 figure income for years. Due to the economy and loss of her job, she began working at a landscaping design company. The OM is an overweight, immigrant hispanic guy who speaks broken english and doesn't even hold a highschool diploma. WTF? I cannot comprehend this at all! Your thoughts on this?

Oh bless your heart! If we could answer this type of question we could end affairs around the world! But my thoughts after my own sitch, reading, and counseling... IMO affairs are never about the affair partner. They are not even about you, the LBS. They are completely about the WAS's. It's not who he is or what he looks like but how he makes her feel about herself in whatever piece of her that is not whole and needs to be filled up.

I know my S's A absolutely walloped my self-esteem... sent me spinning. I could not comprehend the choice of AP so what did that say about me?.... NOTHING!

You're doing great. Keep with your DB coach's advice and keep reading other threads. It's a bumpy ride but I can sense your determination to stay the course.

[AnotherStander]

Thanks for you reply AnotherStander! My DB coach and I discussed whether I should disclose my knowledge of the A and we agreed it's probably best for now not to say anything and focus on DB techniques.

You're quite welcome, and I always defer to the DB coaches because they know your sitch better and have a lot more experience with these things, so definitely follow their advice.

Is the "cake eating" concept that she is able to maintain a place to stay, see our kids daily, have the expenses covered, etc., but still able to go out and spend time with OM?

Yes, exactly. You've probably heard the phrase "you can't have your cake and eat it too" which basically means you can't have/ hold something and at the same time consume it, but often people in affairs are doing exactly that- maintaining their married life while secretly participating in an affair that is destroying their M. So it's referred to as "cake eating".

I'm trying to give her space, but I just saw an email that said she can't stand it at home because I'm always around and she can't even get a minute to send the OM an email.

Stick with your DB coach and follow their advice. But you're fighting an uphill battle. She's invested in OM now. Most affairs burn out in anywhere from a couple of months to 6 months. But during that timeframe, there's all kinds of "feel good" chemicals being released (dopamine, etc.) and the affair partners fall in love with those feelings as much as the other person. Especially if they think the A is secret. It's like a drug addiction. All you can do is make yourself the spouse only a fool would leave and be patient. I'd quit snooping too, you already know about the A, there's not much more to be gained by continuing to snoop. Eventually she'll catch you snooping and then the fireworks will start.

You're certainly right about it not making sense to me. The big thing is this, and just humor me, please; My wife is a professional with 3 advanced degrees and earned a 6 figure income for years. Due to the economy and loss of her job, she began working at a landscaping design company. The OM is an overweight, immigrant hispanic guy who speaks broken english and doesn't even hold a highschool diploma.

I just don't see any way that R can last. There's too big of a gulf between their backgrounds. That said, the OP is almost always a step down from the spouse that's being cheated on. I've never really seen a good explanation of why that is, but it's almost always like that. The OP's biggest selling point to the WAS is that they are not the LBS. They might be fat, ugly and stupid, but at least they're not the LBS!! Sure it doesn't make sense, but welcome to the crazy world of WAS's and MLC'ers.

[sandi2]

My wife is a professional with 3 advanced degrees and earned a 6 figure income for years. Due to the economy and loss of her job, she began working at a landscaping design company. The OM is an overweight, immigrant hispanic guy who speaks broken english and doesn't even hold a highschool diploma. WTF? I cannot comprehend this at all! Your thoughts on this?

This seems to happen a lot. And, the WAW seems to pick OM that is totally opposite from her H. Your W is in a complete fantasy world and she is trying to escape her real world. If she was not fogged out of her mind, she could see this other guy as he truly is for real.

It's not about his appearance or education, but how he makes her feel. I'm sure that blows your mind, but she would not spend a minute of her time on him otherwise. It is all about her feelings, and she is operating from her emotions. That's why it is important that you operate from knowledge. You will not be able to reason with her, b/c she isn't able to be logical at this time.

She's not the woman you married.

[Thumpered]

IF and WHEN you decide to out the affair, I highly recommend just putting a book on you bed "Surviving Infidelity" next to her early in the morning, and leave for work early. Let her see the book and think about how she's gonna respond without you even being there. Cant start a fight that way. She'll have the whole day to think about it before you get home from work. That may or may not be soon, but its a thought about how.

I'm sorry your here, Hopefully you can futher muster the strength to see your way thru it.

[doubledown]

Thanks Another Stander. It really helps to get these persepctives from others who are currently or have faced this type of situation.

I'll keep trying to focus on myself and my two buddies!

[doubledown]

Thanks Sandi2. That makes alot of sense, just a little tough to process. I'll accept it though.

It really makes me wonder what, specifically, is missing in her heart, life, wellbeing to be so attracted to another. Without being able to sit down with her and discuss the details and understand exactly how she's feeling how she feels, I don't know what how to fix that.

But, I guess that's something for down the road. IF she ever wants to discuss it.

[doubledown]

Interesting approach, Thumpered. Coincidently, I have a copy of "Survivng Infidelity" and have read it. I'll keep it available and consider this approach.

Anyone else have suggestions for how to reveal your knowledge of an A when you decided it was time? I'd really like to hear some feedback about how WAS responded?

[doubledown]

Looking for some experience here. I am reading DR and have set some short-term goals regarding what I would like to see change about my marriage.

Here's the big question: currently, my wife is in a very passionate affair with OM and has no idea that I am aware. So, how do I move forward with improving aspects of our marriage and setting these goals when W is enveloped in the "affair fog" in her relationship with OM?

Here are some of my short term goals:
- want her to end affair by December 25, 2013
- have her initiate conversations with me, calls, texts.
- have her approach me and want to be around me
- see me as I make improvements, notcie that I'm a kind, loving, patient father to our boys and become engaged with us.
- consistently agree with her feelings and not question them
- start spending time together; go out, dinner, movie, something!
- have her want to come home earlier and want to be here with me and be happy while at home.

Are these goals realistic? What are some suggestions for working toward these goals without pushing her or pissing her off? Or, do I have to wait for if or when this affair dies on it's own?

Looking for some guidance...

[sandi2]

I'm not saying that a man should live with his W knowing she is having an A. But if you decide to confront her, you must be prepared to deal with the consequences, b/c it will push her for a reaction. In extremely few cases have I read about a W falling into the arms of her H and asking for his forgiveness. In most cases, she will tell him she's done with the M.

Maybe it worked for Thumper to leave a book on the bed for his W to find, IDK. But in MHO I do not recommend it. It seems terribly passive-aggressive, and again, what would your expectations be once she saw the planted book? Guilt, remorse, shame, tears.........? If she is in a full blown A, I doubt it would end by leaving a book for her to see.

Even in a face to face confrontation, it usually does not take care of the A. When my H confronted me face to face with solid proof that I had been having explecive sexual conversations on line with several OM, I did feel horrible and cried a river of tears. But it did not stop me from having an EA that had everything except physical contact. OM and i had live chat, a camera, and cell phone. That can take you a long way in an EA. i simply found ways to hide it better.

Once she knows that YOU know, and you do nothing but endure it while she continues with the A, it gets bad. She doesn't respect you now, but she will disrespect you even more if you reveal what you know.....and just endure the pain.

"It really makes me wonder what, specifically, is missing in her heart, life, wellbeing to be so attracted to another. Without being able to sit down with her and discuss the details and understand exactly how she's feeling how she feels, I don't know what how to fix that."

I doubt she's attracted to him. Here is what i believe happens in most cases where a woman gets into an EA. there is the woman who becomes emotionally vulnerable to any man who could make her feel good. Even though a woman can be very educated and have a position of power, if her emotional needs are unmet for a long time (depending on the individual), she is like a person who is drowning.......she will grab any thing thrown out to keep her alive. All he had to do was be in the right place at the right time and say the right thing, and even if it would NEVER had influence with her in the past.....it did that time. It sent a spark in her. Enought that enticed her for more. He satisfies her emotional needs without any physical contact. Of course, an EA often leads to a PA, but not every time, and can last a long time.

Then there are women who are in association with another man through some common link (for example, the workforce) and over time she begins to talk (share) and one thing can lead to another. Sometimes there is a physical attraction. Sometimes it is something else. In some cases, OM represents security, power, youth, comfort, etc. There are a lot of cases where women fall for the boss, doctor, professor, spiritual leader, BIL, or neighbor (to give a few examples) b/c of their association and her not being happy in her own M. However, I believe the woman succumbs to her emotional feelings and allows her mind to fantasize about the two of them. That is the fuel that gets it moving. The fantasy is her escape from her real world at home. It can encourage her not only to turn a blind eye on reality at home, but also to keep from seeing OM as he truly is (or the association in proper perspective).

In some cases of association, a couple falls in love. They D their mates to M each other. But I believe that happens when there has been unhappiness/loneliness/unmet needs in the M. Some may disagree with me, but I think falling in love with another M person, accidently, only happens in the movies.

Has your W never expressed her emotional needs? Are you aware of what it takes to bring that biggest smile to face, or hear her almost purr, or melt into your arms? Do you know how to get her down mood lifted into a happier one? Do you have any idea of the things that touch her soul like nothing else can? Has she ever talked to you where she tried to pull back the veil and let you see her uncertainties and fears? Some people can't do it. But some try and the S doesn't listen, or dismisses it.

She may have expressed her needs. It could have sounded more like a complaint to your hears. Sadly, we can sound like that sometimes. Would you say that you got into a habit of tuning her out? Maybe you pretended to hear but wasn't really.

I don't mean to insult you by writing out what you probably already know. But I said all of that to emphasize how a woman (or man) can allow their emotional needs to dictate their actions. How being emotionally unfulfilled for a lengthly time, can cause a person to be vulnerable and as a result make it easier for them to reach out to the wrong person.

With many women, they talk for years and then stop. They take little offenses over the years and tuck it deep into their hearts, but it's still there. You may have thought things were okay b/c she wasn't saying anything, however, it is like a giant snowball that keeps rolling and building. Now you have a serious crises headed right at you. how you handle it will greatly the future of your M.

Please don't make the mistake many men make, by getting your focus on the OM and the A. The root problem was there before the OM ever came on the scene. There are things you can do that will have a positive effect on the outcome of all this mess, if you hope to save the M.

[Verum]

Doubledown, it is very tough to live each day with your W while knowing there is an ongoing A with OM. You might want to do 180's, PMA, GAL for about 2-3 months so that you can be better prepared mentally/emotionally and also so that she can she the changes in you. Then at that point confront her. The confrontation should not be a fight -- it must be matter-of-fact, a statement that you know of the affair and have proof. She will most likely deny it. You should also be ready with your boundaries of what you expect and the consequences of her not complying.

In my case, I cannot tolerate an ongoing A. My boundary is that the A ends or she moves out. The only consequence I can think of is that she moves out. She would probably move out. If she does, then you need to establish what this means. She no longer lives in the house, she cannot come/go when she likes. A schedule for the kids, etc.

She is cake-eating, and given the gulf between her and the OM, I would guess that she would want to come back home. So you would need to leave the road home paved. No yelling/screaming about the OM, how could she do it, etc. The conditions for her returning should be an apology and end all contact with OM.

This is what I would do. I also think that a W loses respect for the H if she becomes aware that the H knows about the A and does nothing.