I feel like you were posting about this exact same dynamic two years ago and maybe before I started reading too. Your life is slipping by and you are unhappy.
What are you going to do?
No one is going to change this but you. If you've been posting here for 9 years you've probably gotten all the advice you're going to get -- what are YOU going to do with it?
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
What does it take for you to get yourself to a place where you are feeling confident enough to withstand W's possible storms? Where you are solid and comfortable enough in your path that her reactions are just minor weather?
When have you had a taste of that feeling recently? What can you do to make sure you get a taste of it every single day? What are you doing each day to practice stepping out of your comfort zone?
Perhaps one helpful tool... When describing or thinking about your situation, turn it around from thinking that something is being done to you. Describe everything as "I am choosing..." Every day, say out loud what you are choosing. Before you step down the stairs, "I am choosing to [go down and isolate myself/step out of my comfort zone and engage with my family in a different way]"
Thank you for your various inputs. Here, in no particular order, are some responses:
o I feel like I don't have a place up there... each kid has a room and W has taken the "big room". There is also a porch attached to the big room - perhaps I could hang out there, though it gets dark by 9 here now. o I feel like I need a reason to be up there. I'd really just like to hang out though, and be with the family. Daughter is playing tiddly winks in big room just now, where W is working on school job stuff. o I did try to go up once, in the middle of the night, but W told me that "we don't know each other that way any more", and so I went back down again. o W is pretty, sexy, smart, fit, energetic, creative, international, was once loving. It is hard to find women like that. o W had various dominant boyfriends before - the physically big football star, the stock broker with a Porsche, the drug dealer driving a fast car, etc. Now she has an engineer, working most of the time at home, alone, on abstract seeming computer stuff, and then gone to the States 30% of the time for work. o she cited abandonment as one reason for her anger at me. Yes, I am gone 30% of the time, far away, but am then at home even for work, and so can cook, do logistics for the kids, run errands, shop, etc. I definitely do not have the usual commute to work job, gone from 7.30 to 6.30, here in Sweden(though I do when in the States). o our house is very nice, with a beautiful garden, on a lake, in a good location. I am loath to probably have to leave it if we D. o SD - you ask 64000$ questions here - I don't know is the short answer - must ruminate and read more on this - o W has said no to her going canoeing, but proposed that we all go to dinner tomorrow night, after, so maybe that is okay. I needed a bit of courage to ask at all, so maybe that was my small out of the comfort zone exercise today. At least the kids and I will have a good time. o SD - thank you for pointing out that I have a choice -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
yes, I often think "well there is certainly a nicer or gentler or more humorous way to do/say that and I know she could do it differently!". She just canceled going to a nice restaurant for dinner, citing that her dance lesson had been moved to 3 hours later - a repeat of her pattern of not doing things together. At least the kids and I had a nice time canoeing today.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
SD - well, going beyond my comfort zone, as you suggested, I just spent 15 minutes quietly reading in the porch off the master bedroom upstairs, to the annoyance of my wife. I'd be helping her with burning CDs for her girlfriends, being I thought perfectly nice (and then bringing up warm brioche), but I still got an annoyed half-glare when I gave her a slice. My daughter signaled that W was stressed, and so I backed off, going downstairs again, where I am now.
I felt like saying "thanks honey - it is so lovely being with you", but didn't.
Enough for a day -
Thanks -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Wow, so she's got D walking on eggshells too, communicating in signals and reading half glares. So sorry for your family.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Nice step outside your comfort zone. I also had a thought similar to Ad's.
You mention W's previous BFs. I want to remind you that there is nothing about you that is less attractive in any way. The ONLY thing that they had that you do not right now is self confidence. And that is within your control.
I'm looking forward to hearing tomorrow's new ending to the sentence, "I choose ..."
Another possible strategy: Instead of proposing something for the whole family (which W will likely refuse, thereby killing the activity and leaving the kids available so she can then do things with them...), propose something with the kids (one or both). You can then tell W (or not) that she's welcome to join if she likes. But really, no big deal. Enjoy the kids.
"o I feel like I don't have a place up there... each kid has a room and W has taken the "big room". There is also a porch attached to the big room - perhaps I could hang out there, though it gets dark by 9 here now."
The fact that you don't go up there is YOUR problem. YOU are stopping yourself. You've isolated yourself for so many years that you are now afraid to go around your own home.
"o I feel like I need a reason to be up there. I'd really just like to hang out though, and be with the family. Daughter is playing tiddly winks in big room just now, where W is working on school job stuff."
Why do you need a reason? You keep stopping yourself. YOU are YOUR OWN worst enemy. Just go and join your family.
"o I did try to go up once, in the middle of the night, but W told me that "we don't know each other that way any more", and so I went back down again."
That was a long time ago. And we all told you that the way you did it was wrong. You just don't suddenly show up. You have to slowly reintroduce yourself to your own family.
"o W is pretty, sexy, smart, fit, energetic, creative, international, was once loving. It is hard to find women like that."
BS there are tons of women like that. The problem is that you've emasculated yourself so much that she doesn't want you.
"o W had various dominant boyfriends before - the physically big football star, the stock broker with a Porsche, the drug dealer driving a fast car, etc. Now she has an engineer, working most of the time at home, alone, on abstract seeming computer stuff, and then gone to the States 30% of the time for work."
Seriously? You're going back to this again? What happened to the Luke who went to EE and was trying to get is bollocks back? You're going back to becoming the helpless spouse who has no self confidence. No one can get that for you but yourself.
"o she cited abandonment as one reason for her anger at me. Yes, I am gone 30% of the time, far away, but am then at home even for work, and so can cook, do logistics for the kids, run errands, shop, etc. I definitely do not have the usual commute to work job, gone from 7.30 to 6.30, here in Sweden(though I do when in the States)."
Why do you keep rehashing these things? You brought this up over a couple of years ago and you still bring it up. Stop living in the past and make things better for the future.
"o our house is very nice, with a beautiful garden, on a lake, in a good location. I am loath to probably have to leave it if we D.""
No you are AFRAID to leave. You've become the domesticated wife and she the dominant husband. YOU have to reverse that if you want to save your M. I don't know how many times I and others have told you that for a very long time.
Have you talked to Power of Now lately?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
