Interesting times

[Whiterose]

Hi Bea

I also think my husband felt inferior to me, and when S18 got into college, to him as well. H had thought, for a long time, everyone else got all the brakes and that everyone did exactly what they wanted and he couldn't....

I don't think H was bullied but we've actually never discussed it to the point where I asked him Often he was the only male in the house as his dad was out having multiple affairs and left mom on her own four times so with mom and three older sisters I'm sure he felt outnumbered.....I wonder if this contributed to his MLC

Very interesting points brought up here. Thank you all for sharing

[Wonka]

For me, it is a BIG mystery to me about the male MLC mind who stays stuck in the Mr. Hyde phase for a long time. Maybe I don't really want to understand that mindset for some of the cruelty shown outward, as in WH's example, is quite breathtaking!

What I am trying to see from where I sit is the why part as it relates to the male MLCer sustaining the Mr. Hyde aspect for soooo long. It has to be darn diring to keep that facade up!! From what I've seen on these boards with the mean-spirited male MCLer, it seems like that they work pretty darn hard to extinguish the small flicker of light/flame of 'love' they have for their wives. Then the ugliness rear's their head and they reach out to the XW to engage as a 'plaything' for them. It appears that they thrive on drama they deliberately cook up in their 'workshop'.

In my case, even in the midst of my MLC, I still had this deep love for Ms. Wonka that was suppressed deep in my receess. That seemed to keep me going toward to the other side and became whole again after the fog lifted. Granted, I have had the added benefit of Dbing.

Back to the Mr. Hyde thing. It just makes me wonder how these male MLCers can sustain it for long periods of time. The empathy chip isn't just simply out of order; it seems to point to an underlying character issue. We all operate to a certain extent on conscience that acts as our own North Star in navigating through life that alerts us to situations that induces certain behaviors and actions which are classified as either "positive" or "negative." For me, I just cannot imagine behaving in a cruel manner for a long periods of time. We all have had moments where we wished to take back something we've said or done in the heat of the moment. But for the male MLcer who purposely engages in outright, ongoing cruel ways...just don't get that.

I don't know. I could be completely wrong here.

[BklynMom]

My exh was also bullied by his father. I know this is one of his traumas that he has never dealt with nor does he even acknowledge.

So much of what you write rings true, b

The concern over ow will lbs and children get raked over the coals.

I had a meeting today with mediator and I really saw the jykel and Hyde thing. Stbx was so unemotional as usual about this divorce it's scary.

He talks to me with no acknowledgement of any of the pain. I feel like we are reviewing a lease to buy a car. It feels so strange to me being around him when he is so cold as ice. So so disconnected.

I pray for them because they are half a person. I also pray for them on behalf of my girls because I want them to have a dad who can connect with them

[RosaLinda]

Thanks for your insight and probing questions Wonka. You really have me pondering. You know, I have been meaning to ask you if your love for xDW reyurned right after your MLC ended. I am so interested to hear that your love actually never left.

I think my H is mean to me a lot, but compared to other Hs here, he's a kitten. He often does things that show me he stills cares, even if he is not "in love" with me. I'm so sorry for whay you are going thru BklynMom, it must be terribly hurtful to see the person you loved the most in the world turn into that cold stranger

[Portia]

They appear to have lost any sense of proportion about anything.

They worry about what the OW might be 'suffering' while trashing their families

They stay in a long long marriage and then inform us unblushingly that they were never happy. WTF??

They tell us they love us, but aren't 'in love' and then behave in the most hurtful and ridiculous ways imaginable.

We could all go on, and on, with examples

There is no proportionality in anything they do.

I could not agree with the above more.

And Wonka, I think your post is bang on. I have done things to others that I am not proud of or said some things I wish I could take back. Show me someone who hasn't. But the level and sustainability of the male MLCer's cruelty is mind bending to me. Even a complete stranger would secure compassion at the very least from me if they were obviously hurting. XSO left me in the apartment with my guts hanging out to go and be with his GF whom of course I didn't know existed. What kind of person does that?

[beatrice]

It is their total absence of compassion that causes me to think there is something very wrong with them. It is the ones who feel bad about what they are doing, and admit it, then go on doing it that are more perplexing.

To this day my xh has to have it explained to him very clearly that he hurt people A LOT, and you can see he is puzzled and not faking it. I do not do this of course, but his kids do, and he clearly doesn't understand. But he used to understand. I really wouldn't have stayed with someone who had no compassion and no empathy.

Anyway just to say that being able to laugh at his craziness was very liberating.

Every time anyone challenges my xh on any aspect of his behaviour with examples, he spends quite a while constructing a rational and yet mad answer about why he did it.

I find it interesting why Mr Hyde has taken over. One explanation is that the more horrible they were, the harder it is to actually do anything about it. So that perhaps the meanest MLCers find it hardest to come out of MLC. Taking down those defences, and admitting the hurt they caused is well nigh impossible.

But nothing is impossible!

[beatrice]

I just had a lightbulb moment, wrote a post and my computer decided that was the moment it needed to do updates and shut me down before I could upload it.

Anyway, the gist of it is that all this stuff about small sums of money is essentially a distraction activity - Remember tidying your room when you had an essay crisis?

My xh is running around trying to distract himself. he has been making efforts to re-integrate himself in his family have largely been rebuffed. he hasn't done the work on himself. The r with OW2 is now around the 2 year mark. In short nothing is working.

So what could be more logical than sitting down with a calculator and working out that your xw, the one you loved for more than 30 years, and is the mother of your much loved children actually owes you $38? It is a master stroke in distraction. He wasn't mean or nasty in his demand. He is just wholly and totally disconnected from what anyone else would call reality, but hey - he can still do basic math. So he must be OK, right?

[beatrice]

oh and in response to my earlier email

No problem - I actually find it hilarious. The laughter alone is worth the money. I suppose if I didn't laugh I would cry to think that our life together has at its ending been reduced to a final request for a balance of £22 owing. Says it all really

I got this from xh

Don't be absurd; it doesn't say anything.

And I replied

Absurdity is part of my charm.

But perhaps like Mr Darcy you are not to be laughed at

Don't worry, I have every intention of remitting it in full

Hope you had a nice time with (son and gf) yesterday.

Yours, ever absurdly, [B]

I think I am getting the hang of this correspondence Do you think he is getting rattled? I got tired of being a doormat and sucking all of this idiocy up.

Feels like I have nothing to lose and my real self to get back

[BklynMom]

I agree that you should let your real self out again. The new and improved real you.

I thought your emails were direct but witty and appropriate.

These MLC men surround themselves with sycophants. The epitome being the younger woman. The Dory Previn song "Beware Young Girls" says it all.

If you dont know DOry Previn story, she was Andre Previns 1st wife - Andre Previn left Dory for Mia Farrow. Mia has 2 children with Andre. After Mia Farrows exprience with Woody Allen she apologized to Dory Previn in her memior for any way she may have contributed to break up of their marriage.

As long as men have woman that "okay" their behavior by sleeping with them they will continue to be clueless

[beatrice]

Thank you BM - xh then went on to say that I confused mountains with molehills!!!

I replied

I think not my dear, in this case.

It could be said that you also sometimes lack proportionality in your responses, and possibly project it on to others, rather than acknowledging it?.

Anyway I have extracted my $38 of value from this exchange and can live with your assessment of me.

And I sent you a very nice quote from Jane Austen which must be worth something?

You have no idea of my real worth, and I mean that seriously.

And I have heard nothing since, not any response to what sort of day he had with youngest son and gf . . . .hmmmmm

Many years ago one of my favourite CDS was a Dory Previn one - Mythical Kings and Iguanas - it has the song 'Those Lemon haired Ladies of Twenty or so . . .'

In fact my xh went off with a woman very little younger than me and his current OW is a few years younger than me, but apparently looks older LOL. She will if she is dealing with xh!