Okay - a slow reintroduction - I assume slowly extending the amount of time I am upstairs in the porch each day is a strategy for this? W still does not like it when I am in the same room, and it is tense, but porch is adjacent - though this does seem passive aggressive in a way.
Son leaves for college on Sunday again, so his room is free again then, and I can be there all I want, though W closes door to "her" room (the former master bedroom, located between the kids two rooms).
The how the reintroduction is done is the key? Mind you, the kids are used to me - I took them canoeing last Sunday, for instance, with no W. It is my W and our relationship with each other that is the problem I think.
Okay - there are other attractive women, and I can imagine they would be nicer than my W.
How to become a husband and sufficiently dominant? I leave for the US in 3 weeks, gone for nearly a month again.
Thanks,
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
"I assume slowly extending the amount of time I am upstairs in the porch each day is a strategy for this?"
What strategy? It's your home and your family. You want to spend time with them. Period. You don't need a "reason" to do it. Simple as that.
"W still does not like it when I am in the same room, and it is tense, but porch is adjacent - though this does seem passive aggressive in a way."
You're mindreading. Unless she tells you to get out, you don't know for sure. And in any event, again, it's YOUR HOUSE. Stop being afraid. What happened to all that EE training and counseling you were going to? Did you stop all that?
"Son leaves for college on Sunday again, so his room is free again then, and I can be there all I want, though W closes door to "her" room (the former master bedroom, located between the kids two rooms)."
Stop trying to think of reasons to go up. It's YOUR HOME! You are the king of YOUR castle.
"The how the reintroduction is done is the key? Mind you, the kids are used to me - I took them canoeing last Sunday, for instance, with no W. It is my W and our relationship with each other that is the problem I think."
Good Lord you make it sound like you are living in a home full of animals. Just start interacting with them. Do you even hug and kiss your children? I have a feeling that you're so emotionally detached from them that you don't know how to just be their father.
"Okay - there are other attractive women, and I can imagine they would be nicer than my W."
In your case, it's not the women with a problem. It's you. If you don't get over your fear and insecurities, it doesn't matter how many women you end up with, at the end of the day, you will get the same result because YOU are the constant. What can YOU change?
"How to become a husband and sufficiently dominant? I leave for the US in 3 weeks, gone for nearly a month again."
Just start doing things with them. That's all you need to do to get started and STOP just thinking about why you shouldn't or couldn't or can't do something.
I feel like you're someone who has come onto this site for the first time. After 9 years, how can you still have these questions? You were going great just a few months ago, now you've gone back into your shell.
Has something happened to stop your rise?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
(background: daughter's bath water from last night is brownish, and she was not dirty)
W left note this morning about this:
"ATTN: look at the bath water from daughter, there is something wrong with our water. "
Is the tone of this note okay? How would you react?
* * *
Mr. Bond - I do do things with the kids - we went rail biking last week, canoeing this past weekend, and today I plan to go biking with my son. As for touching them - I'll give my son the occasional backrub, and my daughter and I horse around sometimes. We listen to interesting or entertaining stories together.
It is my fear of my W and her anger that are the problem.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
More precisely - EE was a safe, sympathetic, supportive, group, with whom anything could be discussed, and help was given. I felt great afterwards.
Discussing with my W is skeptical, hostile, belittling, sometimes insulting - asking her to abide by fight rules is contrary to her style, and so the experience is not at all safe.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
"Is the tone of this note okay? How would you react?"
By just telling her you'll check it out. Period. Why are you always so afraid? So what if she has a "confrontational" style? It sure wasn't like that in the beginning. She is just begging you to "man up" to her.
"Mr. Bond - I do do things with the kids - we went rail biking last week, canoeing this past weekend, and today I plan to go biking with my son. As for touching them - I'll give my son the occasional backrub, and my daughter and I horse around sometimes. We listen to interesting or entertaining stories together."
Then why do you feel so awkward to be around them? Include your W when you're with them. And if she doesn't want to participate, that's her problem. If she says 'no', then just shrug your shoulders and enjoy yourself. It's her loss.
"It is my fear of my W and her anger that are the problem."
Simple. Stop being afraid. She's only human. I think in your case you need to learn how to get angry. Stop letting her emasculate you.
"EE was a safe, sympathetic, supportive, group, with whom anything could be discussed, and help was given. I felt great afterwards."
But the problem was that the world isn't "safe". You need to learn how to deal with conflict in an assertive manner. You don't need to be rude or anything, just learn how to deal and handle situations in a confident way. Start small and then build on it. The problem is that you stop at a certain point. For example, you "rebelled" against your W when she said she didn't want the poster in your office. You felt proud about that, but then you lost that momentum and went right back to being the manservant. I mean how can you serve someone who is a b^tch to you?
"Discussing with my W is skeptical, hostile, belittling, sometimes insulting - asking her to abide by fight rules is contrary to her style, and so the experience is not at all safe."
You're not a child. You need to learn to deal with all kinds of personalities. Since the beginning your W has asked you to "man up". If you aren't going to rise to the occasion, then get a D. What's complicated about that?
Change and watch things improve, or don't and get a D.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Okay - thanks - can anyone recommend an assertiveness training course in Los Angeles/Orange County? There are lots of anger management classes out there - this would be the opposite. Or perhaps "manning up" classes, if such things exist.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
I would expect your IC to be very helpful in that area, and if he/she is not, then keep looking. That is individual work, IMO, even if you find a class. I found changing myself required talking and reframing and talking and planning and trying and reflecting and trying again and hearing support, again and again until it became natural for me. I believe in EE based on what I've seen it work in others, but I think real change must take more than a weekend, and professional individual support would seem important.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
This conversation has gone completely backwards. You were at this same point a year ago, asking the same questions.
Most of that stuff is supposed to be innate. How about looking into books like "Hold On To Your Nuts" and David Cunningham's book? I know they've been recommended to you before.
We even recommended you go out and meet new people but you made excuses as to why you couldn't.
Do you want to save your M or not?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Yes, Mr. Bond, I would like to be able to feel that I gave it my best shot at least.
IC is contacted and I hope to see her before I travel to the US again. There I am looking for an assertiveness training class in OC or LA. Met a new person yesterday while biking (he blew by me on a recumbent) and we had a nice talk when I finally caught up.
The funny thing is, I am disciplined about staying fit. It would be great to apply the same discipline to becoming more assertive and manly, but I need the exercises for this.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Has anyone out there tried the Bettermen coaching? A guy's group seems like it might be good, and this is located in LA. I probably couldn't make a regular group, as I travel too much, but maybe phone counseling would be useful?
Is there some sort of psychological boot camp course that can toughen one up assertiveness-wise? Any recommendations? Practical exercises and role playing seem much better than any books or theory.
Thanks,
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
