Taking A Stand; What's my Position?

[AnotherStander]

I wonder what he means by this contact me anytime? Any opinions on this?

I think you're trying to read too much into it, I doubt he meant anything by it.

I haven't contacted him since then. My plans were to go dark for the next 2 weeks and see what happens. But then advice from a co-work of mine, who is an older, pretty wise man, rings in my head. He knows a little about my sitch so he asked me if I had spoke to H recently, I told him a little, he said "good, I hope you two keep talking".

He's just contacting you when he needs something himself, that's no reason to start reaching out to him. Stick to your plan of going dark. I don't think 2 weeks is long enough though. You're going dark for you, not to try and get him back. It's to help you detach.

[chl0901]

Hi Mimi, just catching up on your sitch and I'm glad you're moved in. I hope you are settling nicely. Your photoshop comment about the paystub made me laugh out loud. I would have done the same thing!

I agree with most of the other posters that you should not try to mind read your H's text about contacting him anytime and wait for him to contact you! You sound like you're doing a good job with your 180s and being "pretty" (AKA beautiful, control, humble, and better than ever!). Love it.

[Mimi00]

Tough one. Anyone else have any ideas?

Yes, I'm still open and thinking about it, if any one else has suggestions!

Thanks Ruby for your response to "do what works".

I guess I that's my problem I don't know what works lol

Thanks gabbysmom and willbwell for visiting my thread.
I appreciate everyone's opinions.

He's just contacting you when he needs something himself, that's no reason to start reaching out to him. Stick to your plan of going dark. I don't think 2 weeks is long enough though. You're going dark for you, not to try and get him back. It's to help you detach.

Hi AS, thanks for your response.
He has initiated text once or twice in the last month since he left to ask how I am doing, but that's more of the same for him, so if he stops contact (in my mind) that makes sense. But I will definitely finish out this week of no contact and see how I feel...to continue or not. I don't think we've gone and entire week w/o speaking/texting since BD...so we'll see what happens.

When he initially noticed I stopped calling and texting (during LRT, before official BD) and mentioned it, I told him I was just giving him space. He told me he didn't ask for space. So I asked him would he like things to change and me to contact him more, he quickly said no and moved on b/c he said I was making it a big deal and he was just asking a question. When he did visit, he BD'd and a few days later brought up again that I didn't call/text, I was frustrated and (probably shouldn't have, but I wasn't thinking straight and didn't know how to respond)told him it was advice I got, to leave him w/ his thoughts and not pressure by calling etc.. he said who would give that kind of advice? As if it was a bad idea...but he will never say outright how it made him feel, what he wanted during that time if space really wasn't it (So annoying).

But now that he's moved back to "wonderland" for good and made it clear that he's leaving b/c he was unhappy, hurt too many times by me and just wants to be able to take care/work on himself only, not the marriage. Why would I call? We have no children, nothing to communicate about.

Then deep down I feel I'm just running to "safety" per usual to protect myself w/ this thinking.


As far as detaching, I think I'm ok... nothing he has done/hasn't done in the last month or so have made my emotions waiver much. Since I moved last week I haven't cried at all. I do have moments of this s*cks, but they pass quickly lol.

Not sure why but dating has even popped into my mind lately (maybe being some where new, all alone, no family, makes me want the safety of a male presence to check on me every once in a while. Definitely nothing serious of course).
Obviously as I stated at the start of this thread, I want my H and to re-build our M. But I am considering putting it on a short time limit. Assess things 3 weeks from now, 3 months from now, then be finished for good by the new year if nothing has changed. God may be laughing that that plan though, so we shall see. But that is what's in my head/heart right now.

I was planning to go dark from contacting & social media etc... b/c I realize he watches it closely. When we do talk he always brings up what he has seen me post as far as activity wise (positively, but who knows how he really feels about it). I feel that it gives him a sense of what I am doing and he makes assumptions based off of it, so I want to become more of a mystery.

[MrBond]

"And a woman who learns to give a man respect can get anything she wants!"

Seriously? I can't believe you wrote this.

[Breakdown]

Have you read "How to improve your marriage without talking about it"? If not, I highly suggest...your initial post in this thread seems to be in line with it and may help you go further down that path.

[Mimi00]

I agree with most of the other posters that you should not try to mind read your H's text about contacting him anytime and wait for him to contact you! You sound like you're doing a good job with your 180s and being "pretty" (AKA beautiful, control, humble, and better than ever!). Love it.

Hi Chl0, thanks for your opinion, hope all is well with you!

Have you read "How to improve your marriage without talking about it"? If not, I highly suggest...your initial post in this thread seems to be in line with it and may help you go further down that path.

Hi Breakdown, no I have not heard of that book I will see if I can find it. Thanks for the suggestion!

[Mimi00]

Well it has been 7 days since I last talked w/ H. This is the first week since BD that we haven't had some sort of communication. As stated before, not calling/texting him is easy for me, especially at this point, he's usually the one to at least text and ask "how are you?" by his point. So... yeah...haven't heard anything from him.

Outside of H, this week has been frustrating. I am normally a slightly forgetful person, but the last few days it has been much much more than usual. I've had to turn around, go back to places, to get stuff I'd forgotten several times this week. Very important stuff. It's even cost me money that I really couldn't afford to spend (had to call a lock smith out to unlock at 1 am for a residential door b/c I left my keys, phone etc... inside. Ridiculous things like that.)
So this first week being in a new place has been a struggle financially.

I only had around $200 in my personal checking after the hotel stay, and paying rent/deposit etc...on my own. In our joint checking there was $800 but H removed $500 and put it in our savings (only thinking about his needs, since he's single in his mind) on the day I moved, leaving us w/$300...then b/c he insisted on getting his phone fixed $200 of that was used leaving $100 for both of us (mainly him b/c I don't use much money from our joint checking. When we get paid, I transfer a small amount, to my personal checking and leave him w/ the bulk b/c he has school loans and other major bills that come out of there). I also saw H's personal account was close to nothing as well, so he ended up having to pull out $200 back out from the $500 he put in savings to continue to manage the rest of the week himself.


I know it's not my issue anymore, but H plans on purchasing a new vehicle and get a new apartment in November, I wonder how he plans to manage as things are pretty tight already. He plans to get an Audi truck (now that we are no longer together he has expensive taste...) and pay $1,000 a month for rent starting in November, on top of all that "Wonderland" in general is a very expensive place to live (he had a car before he went to "Wonderland" that he insisted on taking with him b/c he claimed he needed to get around, purchase groceries etc... I told him it was a bad idea as lived in walking distance from his job and a straight shot 15 min bus ride from a food market. He didn't listen to me and drove the car to "Wonderland" it broke down beyond repair as soon as he arrived.)


Where I am living is fairly expensive too. But I've always been the "frugal" one, keeping groceries under $400 a month for two people, prioritizing what we need now and what can wait in general, saving money in our nest account and never touching it. He'd never even had a savings account before we met. It was very hard for him to not touch our savings until we went to counseling and she was able to change his opinion.
So I am allowing him to be "free", taking money from the savings whenever, not nagging. He plans to build the savings back up, but then use what he saved for the down payment on the expensive truck. Then start from scratch again....

Good luck H...good luck.

Once I start getting paid from my new job, that should help us both out as it will be several hundred more than I was making at my old job. I'm hoping he'll see the benefits of a 2nd income (though it wont be THAT much more since I now have my own rent to pay).... we'll see how that goes.

[Mimi00]

For the past few days I've been thinking about dating a lot.
Though no D papers are even filled out yet and it feels wrong to do so b/c technically I'm still married (though it's basically to myself lol). I guess I miss a male presence, going out to nice dinners and movies. Being here alone is starting to get me down a bit.

Today signed up for 2 dating sites just to see whats out there...the first had no options...the second had 2 cute guys who fit my requirements. I left the pages open for a minute, thought about it, then deleted my account. I just want my H lol. I can't see my self with any one else, I assume that's probably normal LBS though?

So to officially start my quest to take a stand & get my respect back, things I will do this week:
-Go to church tomorrow.
-In the next 3 weeks, attend 1-2 events from the meetup groups I've joined so I can start to make female friends in my new area.

My going dark this past week included from social media as well, b/c I noticed H pays attention to photos of activities that I post. The last few times we talked he brought pictures I posted that I forgot I even posted, so I wanted to be more of a mystery. So I think I will go more dim than completely dark and begin to post photos again online. Especially as I get into more activities, make new friends. Either H will be intrigued by it or he'll continue his twisted why of thinking (look how much better she's doing with out me). I know GAL is for me, but going out is 180 as well (one of his complaints was that I no longer wanted to try new things, just wanted to stay home).

[SM34]

Making an account on a dating site then getting cold feet is normal I think. I think lbs cycle through feelings like abandonment, loneliness, depression and happy feelings like optimism, excitement and also sexual feelings like hornyness etc.. And it can seem like a good idea one minute, then a horrible idea the next...

I also had an account for all of one day!

[Mimi00]

Thanks for your response SM...good to know im not the only one creating and deleting accounts lol

I went to church today and the main focus was changing for the better and the only person blocking you from better, is you. Also that God will use the though time you're going through to get you to your purpose. Sometimes He has to isolate you so that its just you and Him. One day you'll look back and understand why you had to go through wht you went through.

The main scripture used was on that I actually randomly came across earlier this week...so I dont think it was a coincidence I was there today:

" When a man's ways please the Lord, He makes his enemies to be at peace with him". (Proverbs 16:7)

How I apply that is....Right now H sees me as an enemy...not for him but against him because I want to hold him in what he feels is a unhappy marriage/life. If I continue to 180 to make my self better, these things also align w/ making my life more pleasing to God. One day my H will be at peace with me, the war will end in his soul about us.

I have also seen a lot of things this week with the message to "let go"
So I think that is the answer to my should I contact him or go dark question.
I will continue to not contact him and let my actions speak instead of , my words...even though my H isnt around to see everything I am doing, God is, and social media will help w that as well