Acting "as if" is to act as if you accept their decision to D. This usually slows down the D process because the WAS feels they are getting what they want. It also helps you in terms of detaching and understanding that you cannot control another person into believing what you believe.
Go back and read the book.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Acting "as if" is to act as if you accept their decision to D. This usually slows down the D process because the WAS feels they are getting what they want. It also helps you in terms of detaching and understanding that you cannot control another person into believing what you believe.
Go back and read the book.
Actually, you're both wrong. Acting as-if is mainly about acting as if you expect a positive reaction or outcome from your wayward/walkaway spouse.
Since it's hard to know if your spouse is truly done with your marraige or just needs some more time to come to his/her senses, if I were you, I would err on the side of caution. Why not assume that this is going to take much longer than you anticipated, but that, in the end, things will work out. "Act as if" you believe that your marriage still has possibilities. Do the things you would do if you envisioned a positive outcome to all of your efforts.
This is a much-needed and often-overlooked discussion.
Thank you.
Hopefully we can have this discussion in a friendly and civil manner. We are all here to give and receive support, and hopefully restore some marriages where possible.
Please consider the following hypothetical scenario. Suppose a walk-away spouse and a left-behind spouse spend some time together and one thing leads to another and they end up in bed together. The next day the LBS feels like proposing getting back together. But I would bet that most realize that it is probably better to instead give the WAS spouse some space and not rush things. But then the WAS is not being authentic to his/her feelings. If you are going against your feelings in order to give the relationship its best shot are you not playing a game?
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
I don't have my books with me currently Mr Bond, but thanks for the clarification Starsky. I think on this forum a lot of things get misconstrued, we all read the books and interpret them in our own ways and share that here and some of the wrong ideas then spread. But yes Starsky, I found this video on Michelle explaining "acting as if" on youtube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AErbVUDLoRY) and it lines up more w/ your understanding and the quote of course.
I think after joining the forum and always being directed to "Sandi's Rules" I forgot the book explanation, as Sandi's Rules state
"#12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude."
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
What you call a game I would call self control. If we all went around spewing whatever feelings we have with no regard for whether they were welcome or something the other person is even in a place to hear, then we wouldn't be managing ourselves responsibly in the world and we wouldn't get much of what we want.
Do you say whatever you're feeling in the moment at work? If not, are you playing a game?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
So let's agree to get beyond the term "game playing" and agree that we all do things that may feel wrong, but we know will lead to a better outcome for our situations. What we choose to do will depend on what we think is right for each of our situations and our personal moral values; we are all going to be guided by our own moral compass.
What if I told you that, all else equal, wearing red will make you a more attractive person? Would you wear red more often? Or would you not feel right about manipulating others through wearing a particular color? (Btw, this is in fact true, both genders find the opposite sex more attractive in red)
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
"and agree that we all do things that may feel wrong, but we know will lead to a better outcome for our situations."
I don't think you are quite getting it. You don't necessarily have to do something just to get a desired outcome. You have to be comfortable with that action as well. If you're not, then your reactions will be fake.
"What if I told you that, all else equal, wearing red will make you a more attractive person? Would you wear red more often?"
No. I would wear it if it pleased me. Not if it pleased someone else. If your sole purposes was to hook up with someone, then of course you would wear red. But eventually you will have to change clothes and you're right back to being the same person you always were before you put on red.
"Or would you not feel right about manipulating others through wearing a particular color?"
Again it doesn't make sense. Even if you were to wear red, the other person has a CHOICE to be attracted or not. If everything were as simple as you make it out to be, then ever AXE and female perfume commercial would be true. That wearing a certain scent, or clothes, or doing something will make the other sex instantly attracted to you.
Of course none of that works.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"and agree that we all do things that may feel wrong, but we know will lead to a better outcome for our situations."
I don't think you are quite getting it. You don't necessarily have to do something just to get a desired outcome. You have to be comfortable with that action as well. If you're not, then your reactions will be fake.
"What if I told you that, all else equal, wearing red will make you a more attractive person? Would you wear red more often?"
No. I would wear it if it pleased me. Not if it pleased someone else. If your sole purposes was to hook up with someone, then of course you would wear red. But eventually you will have to change clothes and you're right back to being the same person you always were before you put on red.
"Or would you not feel right about manipulating others through wearing a particular color?"
Again it doesn't make sense. Even if you were to wear red, the other person has a CHOICE to be attracted or not. If everything were as simple as you make it out to be, then ever AXE and female perfume commercial would be true. That wearing a certain scent, or clothes, or doing something will make the other sex instantly attracted to you.
Of course none of that works.
If wearing red makes us more attractive and we change from wearing red 10% of the time to 15% of the time, then on average, our attractiveness will increase a little bit. Of course it is not going to make a huge difference. Same for wearing perfume or cologne. The total of all the little things we can do to make ourselves more attractive can have a meaningful impact.
If I do these things as part of a permanent change to make myself a more attractive person, then there will be a lasting effect.
I am not sure what you are pointing to when you say that I don't get it.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
