For the spouse who has Walked Away

[strongerthanever]

eric,

I hate it when people tell me this, but I'm going to say it to you~you are a beautiful person and your s is a fool to walk away. I know how hard it is to be the loving mature person in spite of what the was does. This has been my stance for the past 6 weeks. I have come here to vent anger though!

I feel that you have a greater sence of self worth/respect. It shows in your lack of tolerance in regards to s disregard for the family unit/children. Keep up the stregnth my friend. She has helped you grow into an amazing person;if not for her, then for someone else.

[Snookee]

So I have a question related to that: is it then wrong to suggest that the WAS look at this website? I was going to forward a link to this site to my husband who left 4 months ago and is seeing someone. I'm thinking maybe not now.

[Cadet]

So I have a question related to that: is it then wrong to suggest that the WAS look at this website? I was going to forward a link to this site to my husband who left 4 months ago and is seeing someone. I'm thinking maybe not now.

NO! Bad idea.

It would be like giving the opposing team your playbook before the biggest game of the year.

It will not work, guaranteed to FAIL.

[Snookee]

Ok.....just had to ask. I thought it wouldn't work; you KNOW it won't work. I believe you!

[Lampstand]

I am a WAS who has changed her mind. I don't know what to do!!! My H is living with his parents in another state. He will communicate with me by email and IM only if I initiate. Going dark does not work with him.

Should I not be DB if I am the one who ended it?

[Lampstand]

My personal thread hasn't posted yet. Going through a roller coaster of emotions right now. The two biggest are regret and loneliness. For most of the 4 year marriage I viewed my H as an overgrown adolescent and me the suffering parent. I never took his complaints about me seriously. I thought I was doing enough by supporting him financially while he pretending to be too depressed to work a job. He is a recovering addict so I patted myself on the back for "forgiving" him....but did I really?

My main challenge at this point is to restrain myself from chasing him. I feel such overwhelming guilt over forcing him to leave and the cruddy way I treated him.

My problem is that I was "dark" in the marriage so I am confused if that's the right strategy now. I would totally ignore him. I would pretend he wasn't in the room. I would stay up late on the computer to avoid going to bed with him. It got to a point that he quit saying good night and then I got mad that he quit!

Not making excuses but it seems that distance and darkness pushes him away.

How do I create interest and desire for contact with me without smothering him?

I'm really looking at my goals. Obviously the first one is to get him home by his BD (March). But I also realize that his love language is words of affirmation (and as a man he craves admiration) and this was the major thing I denied him. How do I know this is his language? Because it's the one he gives to me the most. It's not my language though! Mine is quality time (which is what I always gave to him through long marathon conversations). He always felt drained while I felt connected.

Since he is living out of state, doesn't want to talk on the phone, and will only communicate by email or IM if I initiate.....not sure what to do. In the past month I've had 4 contacts with him. The last 2 were IM's that lasted over an hour. He made complimentary statements about me and signed off with XXXOOO and said he forgave me already. I haven't contacted him for 3 days. I have marked on the calendar 30 days from now as the soonest I can reach out to him.

Suggestions?

[AJM]

Hi Lampstand. What is it you want to do? What's the rest of the story?


AJ

[Lampstand]

AJ,

I have realized that I do NOT want to live without my H. Realized that I do love him but I cannot share that love with him for reasons that I don't know exactly right now.

I keep hearing that DB isn't for the WAW. I don't really know what I should be doing. Do I ask him to come back? I'm not finding the answer. I'm afraid if I stay away from him too long with no contact he's going to think that I was serious about the split and that he will move on. I don't want that. I want him to come home and rebuild our M with me.

[MontyL]

@Lampstand - being LBS, I'm guessing he's not trusting you right now, as I am my WAW. Keep your communications positive, don't pressure or hound, and give him time to come back from the hurt.

In the meantime, keep working on yourself; you can live without him, you just don't want to.

Refreshing to see "the other side", thank you for joining!

[seventeen]

I stumbled across this site recently after 5 months of separation from my H. Need a little advice. I am hoping it's not too late to apply the DB concepts, now, but with such a rough start, I'm worried I've done too much damage already.

I discovered my H's affair in early Feb, tried staying (and pushing for reconciliation--which was wrong, I know now) through late April, and then I moved out in May b/c I could see I was getting nowhere with him and simply couldn't take it any more, psychologically.

I left him b/c: the marital home felt like a tomb, being there was really depressing me, sleeping in that bed was killing me, I wouldn't be able to afford the house on my own in the long run, and I needed a fresh environment. I am happy in my new place but don't want a D. H also hasn't asked for a D. Yet. But the affair continues and there's no relief in sight.

I don't feel like a WAS, even though I was the one who left. I feel like an LBS who decided to move to another house for peace of mind.

For almost 7 months, up until last week, I have been breaking every DB rule in the book. I have resolved to change my ways, but is it too late?