Great thread. For me, and that's the only thing I control. . I started DB to save my marriage. None of my other "tactics" worked. My marriage was slipping away, I was slipping way. I started DB as a save. But then I got it. DB is more about me. Making me a whole, confident, individual ready for one of two things: being married to my WAS again or being fulfilled on my own. Making me a better spouse and a better person.
Games? A little. You can see it that way. But sooner or later, if your not playing games with yourself, MWD's therapy will make you better... I am. From when I first logged in? So much better.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
I agree RT. When I first began DBing, it felt like a game. Once I started to understand it and realized why I was doing it, it made me a better person and a better spouse. You only 180 the things you can 180 while remaining true to yourself; you GAL because you should be doing that anyway, M or not, but we lose sight of these things when we get M and have a family; you keep a PMA because it helps you to get through this. These actions have to become a part of you to make a real difference, you can only keep up a game for so long.
As for dating, I can tell you right now 2nd time, that if my H had started dating when I was having an A there is no way that would have brought me back. I would have been relieved and I would have definitely walked. I didn't care enough to be jealous back then and it would have given me the freedom to really do whatever I wanted. If you are thinking about doing this, I would not suggest it.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
"I am not sure what you are pointing to when you say that I don't get it."
This thread started under the understanding that you were dating. In a way you were relating dating to being a way to get your spouse back like one would use some other external stimulus to "attract" your W back.
The whole point is that it doesn't matter what external ploy or product use/do to "attract" them back. If you, as a person, remain the same as before they will not come back regardless of what you use.
Jealousy may get them back to you (not all the time), but it's not a way to sustain a long lasting relationship. And working on yourself is the first thing you do before anything else.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"I am not sure what you are pointing to when you say that I don't get it."
This thread started under the understanding that you were dating. In a way you were relating dating to being a way to get your spouse back like one would use some other external stimulus to "attract" your W back.
The whole point is that it doesn't matter what external ploy or product use/do to "attract" them back. If you, as a person, remain the same as before they will not come back regardless of what you use.
Jealousy may get them back to you (not all the time), but it's not a way to sustain a long lasting relationship. And working on yourself is the first thing you do before anything else.
I have dated others but not as a means to make my w jealous. I did it as part of detaching and moving on. I mentioned it because it potentially had the side-effect of making my w jealous.
I understand that in order to have a relationship that works in the future we need to make changes to ourselves that make us better partners.
I am wondering if dating others could potentially open the door to a second chance with the understanding that we need to make other changes for our relationships to work in the long run.
I didn't mean to focus this thread on dating others and jealousy. That is just one example of something that can lead to attraction.
I am currently dating my w and nobody else. I didn't mean for this thread to be about me. My situation is documented Here
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
I am wondering if dating others could potentially open the door to a second chance with the understanding that we need to make other changes for our relationships to work in the long run.
is totally cool as long as you let the person you're dating know what the score is.
They're people with feelings too.
When you start threads, just like with people, the only thing you have control over it you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
That's not a way of detaching. All it does is attach you with someone else that you fully can't commit to if you're still wanting to get back with your W.
"I am wondering if dating others could potentially open the door to a second chance with the understanding that we need to make other changes for our relationships to work in the long run."
Of course it can, but then again so can anything else like making friends with happily married couples or reading a book on how to have a great marriage, etc.
"I didn't mean to focus this thread on dating others and jealousy. That is just one example of something that can lead to attraction."
That's more jealousy than it is attraction. Jealousy is the idea of wanting something that you feel is yours. It's based on pride.
"I am currently dating my w and nobody else."
I thought you were going out on dates?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Good debate on this thread! Im following along and liking this....
I too dont think dating is a good idea. Ive seen many former WAWs say that they would have been relieved if their husband started dating. It takes away a lot of the guilt that WAWs have about leaving their husband and family. Not to mention wrecking someones life by having them get attached to you only for you to leave them the second your WAW shows interest.
I second starsky's opinion that there is a lot of game play in getting your spouse back. Of course we learn new skills on the way that will make us better partners but most of those skills cant be Deedemonstrated until you have a comnited spouse, it is getting them to recommit that requires some game play....I think.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
I think you are referring to something I said on another thread, so let me clarify. I had been dating someone else who was also separated and we were both totally aware of each other's situations. We have not actually seen each other since my w came more strongly back in the picture a few weeks ago. I officially told her I wouldn't see her anymore yesterday. I am going out with my w tomorrow.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
most of those skills cant be Deedemonstrated until you have a comnited spouse, it is getting them to recommit that requires some game play....I think.
Expand on this if you would.
I'd like to see this response, too, but I think it has to do with the difference between working at RE-ATTRACTION, and beginning to actually work on the RELATIONSHIP. Many of us contend that far too little attention is paid to working on basic laws of human ATTRACTION, and learning to use them to your advantage when DBing. It's the physiological underpinning beneath EVERYTHING YOU DO.
. I started DB to save my marriage. None of my other "tactics" worked. My marriage was slipping away, I was slipping way. I started DB as a save. But then I got it. DB is more about me. Making me a whole, confident, individual ready for one of two things: being married to my WAS again or being fulfilled on my own. Making me a better spouse and a better person.