Sandi2's 37 Rules

[inafog]

I am 3 months into my nightmare. Wife in a MLC at 37, wants fun, career and kids; everything but me. It's bonecrushing sadness. I found Sandi2 rules a few days ago. It's a smart list and makes sense. Problem is, you have to break all of the rules in order to realize they are the rules to follow. In other words, you have to beg, cry, flowers and so on or you will wonder if any of those things might have worked. I wish I had this list 3 months ago as I would have more dignity. But, I have it now and will try and keep trying for the sake of my 3 innocent kids. Oh if I could only wind the clock back 6 months. Now, I have to try to get her love back while she doesnt give a hoot and frankly I love her less as well.

[TL72*]

inafog: I found the list after I did a lot of the things on it too. Now I wish I had not done those things (sent flowers, broke my heart when i found he had just shoved them in a cold truck to die) bought a few other heartfelt gifts and pursued him. I was following another marriage help site that suggested doing that but I do think it pushed him away further so now I'm doing the 180, not calling, not texting, not emailing unless it is something needed, we have a normal home relationship until he moves out. I'm being kind but detaching, letting him see that I am getting a life of my own. I have found that this forum has helped a lot and I also found my spirituality again. Praying has helped my inner strength tremendously. It is a roller coaster ride. I am only a month in and often thought that I wish I had the last 6 months to KNOW about it so that I could have made changes then. I just had no idea. We can't change the past so we must focus on our futures with or without them. I feel the same way you mentioned about her not giving a hoot. My H will say "are you ok?" once in awhile and I say "i'm fine" and try to appear happy all the time, but what i'm really thinking is "how the hell can you ask me if i'm ok? I"m NOT effing ok!" excuse my language but that's what is in my head when he asks. Hang in there, read these boards and post often, we can help each other, there's many people on here going through similar things.

[leaving]

I have a questioN? My W found Sandies list that I copied and put it in my documents on the laptop. My W confronted me when she came home from counseling and said she knew what I was doing. I was a bit confused and asked what she ment, she said your playing a game and using a guide to try get things better I found it on the computer. I told her this is not a game and I'm doing this to make me a better person. W tells me why now are you doing this, I said I need to be a better person. She tells me she is angry that I'm doing this now. I validate her feelings and let her do most of the talking. She starts to cry. I hold her in ny arms hugging her. I'm being a friend and just listening to her. She tells me you told me before you would change and it didn't happen why should I believe you now. I validate her feelings by saying I can see why you would think that and I apologize for what I have done. she begans to cry some more and I hold her again. She does allow me to hold her, she leaned into me. I did ramble on. My question is she now knows the rules by sandie. Does this hurt me her knowing.

[TL72*]

I don't think it hurts anything, just keep following them. You're right, it's not a game. You're doing what you have to do to try and change and reconcile. It's a support group, there's nothing wrong with you needing/seeking support for what you're going through.

[leaving]

TL72, how are things with you? One thing I will have to stress is I'm doing this for me. If we reconcile then that would be FANTASTIC! I don't wan't you to think I don't Love my W, because I do and I have pain. I do know praying and going to church is going to make a huge diffrence for me and it already has. I'm definetly waiting for the D papers to come in the mail.

If anyone can answer me this, W got a new cell phone and nuber on 2/13/14 and still hasn't given me the number. The times she does call me its from the kids cell phones, my D or her S.

W and I use to text and call one another everyday just to check in and see how are day is going. This stopped on 2/13/14 new cell phone and she told me she filed for D then. I'm not sure if there is OM or not. I can find out but whats the point just cause me to sink deeper, its out of my control.

[TL72*]

It is out of your control. All you do is focus on yourself at this point. Take care of you, make changes in you. This is what she feels she must do to heal. My D will be final in April. He's moving out tomorrow. He didn't even tell me he was moving out, I just saw things were missing so I finally asked. I was trying to just detach and not ask any questions but the wondering was killing me and I figured I had a right to know. It felt like relief when he said yes. I don't want him to leave but I did not say anything like that. I just said "ok" and then helped him separate some of his things out. This is just something he has to do in order to get through this part. I still think he's in MLC and he's either got a furnished apartment or he's moving in with someone else. I asked no questions other than if he was taking this or that. I'm acting as if it is all ok and staying positive. I want to have hope for reconciliation but I know he has to move out first and see what it's like. I'm hoping he will eventually have a change of heart. This really [censored]. Just have to keep on living.

[LitFuse]

I'm having a very hard time following these rules. I feel like it just gives my husband exactly what he wants. All he wants is me to shut up and us to not discuss his issues or him to be accountable in any way at all. It makes me angry. I want him to grow up and be accountable. I don't understand how this aids that at all, even though I know it's pretty much the only hope to ride it out until he gets over himself. :-( Anyone else having this problem?

[bjudge]

I am struggling with this list as well....it feels like following some of the items on the list will cause my W to detach even more.

[unbidden]

Question, has your ways of talking and trying to hold him accountable worked? DB is counterintuitive and it tends to take the R out of the predictable patterns that haven't worked.

[paul19510]

I'm having a very hard time following these rules. I feel like it just gives my husband exactly what he wants. All he wants is me to shut up and us to not discuss his issues or him to be accountable in any way at all. It makes me angry. I want him to grow up and be accountable. I don't understand how this aids that at all, even though I know it's pretty much the only hope to ride it out until he gets over himself. :-( Anyone else having this problem?

Hi Lit, its hard to have patience with this. It seems you are new here. One quick thing that jumps off the page at me is your signature. its hard not to mind read. but mind reading (trust me most of us here do it/have done it and its not helpful) is harmful to you and the process overall. The last line of your signature says: 'H doesn't want a divorce, but would prefer we live our entire marriage by the "37 rules." '

Did your H specifically tell you he knows the 37 rules and that's what he wants? if he didn't, you're not helping yourself by thinking that way.

I'm not saying this to be a downer. Only trying to give you a place to start. Read the 37 rules every day and go out and GAL.

Like Cadet says to most people when they come here: "Your spouse has given you the gift of time, use it wisely..."

keep reading and posting. it helps. Hopefully you will find as many of us have, that this process is really more about saving YOURSELF than saving your M

There are many here who have suffered and still come out of it better. Maybe not married, but better. good luck.