Attraction, oxytocin, and limerence

[bustingout]

This is a very interesting discussion. I am curious to read more about about what Starsky said as to me it rings very true:

the difference between working at RE-ATTRACTION, and beginning to actually work on the RELATIONSHIP. Many of us contend that far too little attention is paid to working on basic laws of human ATTRACTION, and learning to use them to your advantage when DBing.

And Starsky....its really nice to see you back. I have always learned so much from you.

[adinva]

I really should read some of that attraction material, just to know what it says other than what's been cited here which often seems to be taken out of context and overgeneralized.

If it refers to not sitting around the house with you hand in your boxers, celebrating your most explosive flatulence, and imposing the "dutch oven" treatment on your wife, I believe it could seriously help someone I know. (lol)

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Let me reiterate that it is given that the most important stuff for us to do is to work on ourselves, do our 180s, get a life, and make these changes lasting so that any relationship we have in the future will have a better chance than our last relationship.

Some of us are looking for a few extra tools. Some of us find ourselves in a place where our spouses no longer find us attractive and we are looking for ways to become more attractive. If we do a Google search on attraction all kinds of stuff comes up and we have to wade through it.

Here are the issues

Is there any science behind what these seduction community characters on the internet are selling? There is, but you have to wade through a bunch of crap and marketing to find it. If there is something, it is usually bundled so that there is 95% marketing and 5% substance.

Some of the stuff these guys advise doing is crap that they just make up. Other stuff is based on their own experiences and may or may not be legitimate. But some stuff is based on real research.

It comes from evolutionary psychology literature, interpersonal communication literature, body language experts, something called neuro linguistic programing…

Others could add to the list

Check out this article:

Oesch, N. & Miklousic, I. (2012). The dating mind: Evolutionary psychology and the emerging science of human courtship. Evolutionary Psychology, 10(5), 899-909.

Or if you want an overview read The Game, by Neil Strauss

Can these attraction gurus help us have lasting long-term relationships? Probably not. It doesn’t seem like these folks are interested in relationships. And from what I can tell, the ones that have tried have failed.

So there seems to be a gap that needs to be filled between attracting our wayward spouses back and doing the things we need to do get them to want to stick around. I am looking for help filling that gap.

I also am aware of the thinking that anything we do purely to get our spouse back and not to make a change to ourselves is counter production because it won’t be lasting and if our spouses think we are changing just to get them back, that in and of itself in unattractive. But becoming more attractive can be something we do for ourselves outside of us just wanting our spouses back.

[MrBond]

What you seem to be missing is the fact that these are people whom we have had a long term relationship with and not just someone you just met in a bar. There a many things that contribute to the "non-attraction". A big part is the things we've done to the WAS to make them walk out in the first place. If they don't want to forgive those things that have happened, and don't want to chance getting hurt again, no amount of outside stimuli is going to help.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

these are people whom we have had a long term relationship with and not just someone you just met in a bar. There a many things that contribute to the "non-attraction". A big part is the things we've done to the WAS to make them walk out in the first place. If they don't want to forgive those things that have happened, and don't want to chance getting hurt again, no amount of outside stimuli is going to help.

I agree. But isn't it also possible that we could make the changes to get beyond these things, be forgiven for them, and still have our spouses not be attracted to us? Is it possible that learning how to be more attractive could help? Are you familiar with neuro linguistic programming? Are you aware that learning these techniques could help us in many aspects of our lives and not just attraction?

[MrBond]

Yes I know NLP, and it's not relevant to my point. Many WAS's bring up the fact that they can't forget what happened before, etc. And many really try to deal with the issues on their own but not in a way that the LBS realizes is very serious. Not in every case, but sometimes.

The LBS can change as much as they want, but it takes "acceptance" and "forgiveness" and "understanding" from the WAS to lower the walls they've built up to even see the LBS as attractive on all levels (physically, mentally, emotionally, etc.)

Therefore it goes beyond just "attraction".

[SM34]

I would like to clarify the point I was trying to make about some relationship techniques I have learned throughout my journey that cannot be demonstrated until I have a wife that has recommitted...

Those of you who followed my journey probably know that from my wifes perspective, I didnt do a good job in showing her that she is sexually attractive to me.

Ae have an awesome relationship and get along superbly. We do everything together and dont engage in many love busters towards each other. We share (or shared) common goals in life as far as family etc..
I just didnt show enough 'passion' as far as making love to my wife etc...

Now, I can blame it on depression, or stress, ir low t, or a host of other issues. But there really was no excuse. If I wasnt in the mood, or too depressed or whatever, I should have still found other ways to show her how much she means to me, and show her how I find her sexy etc...

But I didnt.

Now,.I have learned that the hard way. And I have spent many months reading up and learning about passion and desire etc and how to show it to the person you love. I have learned ways in which you can build up sexual tension between yourself and yoir wife and how doing so can take live making to another level. And how passionate sex once a week is more fulfiling than boring sex once a day. So I have a better undwrstanding of why frequency didnt make up for quality for my wife, and how to remedy that.

All I need now is a recommitted wife in order to see if u can pull it off!

Without her 'allowing',me the opportunity for sexual contact, I cannot demonstrate what I have learned.

Hence the need to rely on game play, or natural laws of attraction or however you want to state it. If I can just create some primal desire in my wife (desire for me that is, ahe has no problem with desire for another man) then I can demonstrate the 'new' me.

Of course I have also learned plenty of relationship and communucation stuff that I CAN show, and I have been doing that. But the deal breaker for her was passion and im having a hard time figuring out how to demonstrate that without having her WANT to do the deed.

But you guys I think are right to caution people about tge difference between attracting someone foe the first time, and re attracting a spouse...

In 'a mans guide to great relationships' the author made an awesome point....

'women like adventurous guys. To a woman you just,met, the fact that you ride your motor.cycle without a helmet and drive fast is probably exciting and a turn on. To the woman you are married too, and have kids with, it is just reckless and immature. What works for dating is not the same asas what works in a commited relationship with kids involved'.

Thata not an exact quote because I dont have the book handy, but you get the point.

[ForeverYoung]

If I can just create some primal desire in my wife (desire for me that is, she has no problem with desire for another man) then I can demonstrate the 'new' me.

Maybe you trying so hard to drum up desire is actually making you less desirable?

I wonder how hard these guys she finds desirable are trying to create desire. My guess is nowhere near as hard as you.

[SM34]

I think you are absolutely right. Which is why I kind of gave up trying to impress her about 3 months ago. And I get the sense im moving up the ladder quicker now!

oh what a complicated thing attraction is!

Im just working in being happy with myself. Being comfortable in my own skin. Being successful at my business. I am friendly to her of course, but the natural result of the thing that happrns naturally to lbs which is to start giving up (or detaching) is that you become more attractive.

The balance is tricky though. How do yoi not get so confident, so comfortable with yourself, and so optimistic for your future, without closing the door om your marriage. I think that is a fear that we lbs have. We want our marriage and want our family and so dont want to be divorcees, that we are afraid of gaining independence and actually rnjoying it! That seems to be how so many stories end.

[SM34]

Perhaps someone can give a small run down on some attractive traits to develop. as starsky implied, it may be handy to have some re attraction skills in our bag of tricks.

starsky, care to expand?