Many WAS's bring up the fact that they can't forget what happened before, etc. And many really try to deal with the issues on their own but not in a way that the LBS realizes is very serious. Not in every case, but sometimes.
The LBS can change as much as they want, but it takes "acceptance" and "forgiveness" and "understanding" from the WAS to lower the walls they've built up to even see the LBS as attractive on all levels (physically, mentally, emotionally, etc.)
Therefore it goes beyond just "attraction".
I am sure that what you are saying is true. Nothing we do to improve ourselves has any guarantee to make any difference at all in our situation with our was. But I don't see how making yourself more attractive in general can hurt. It seems like you are saying that we can't focus on the more relevant things, if we also do things to make ourselves more attractive in general. Why does it have to be one or the other and not both?
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
Yes I know NLP, and it's not relevant to my point. Many WAS's bring up the fact that they can't forget what happened before, etc. And many really try to deal with the issues on their own but not in a way that the LBS realizes is very serious. Not in every case, but sometimes.
The LBS can change as much as they want, but it takes "acceptance" and "forgiveness" and "understanding" from the WAS to lower the walls they've built up to even see the LBS as attractive on all levels (physically, mentally, emotionally, etc.)
Attraction is in the eye of the beholder. and most times it's in the mind of the beholder. It's not usually physical appearance so much as an aura, it comes from inside, the IT factor.
So you become the best you you can be and the S may or may not be attracted. We have to remember that there is a history with the S, usually one that was hurtful. They have to get over that before they ever look our way again. SM, you could look like and "be" George Clooney but if your wife has been hurt deeply too many times, you're toast.
So be as attractive as you want to be or can be, just have no expectations of it changing the heart of your spouse. It can't hurt, no one likes to be with an uninteresting slob.
Originally Posted By: SM
The balance is tricky though. How do yoi not get so confident, so comfortable with yourself, and so optimistic for your future, without closing the door om your marriage. I think that is a fear that we lbs have. We want our marriage and want our family and so dont want to be divorcees, that we are afraid of gaining independence and actually rnjoying it! That seems to be how so many stories end.
Would you really hold yourself back from having a great life to remain married to a woman who doesn't want to be married to you?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
But I don't see how making yourself more attractive in general can hurt. It seems like you are saying that we can't focus on the more relevant things, if we also do things to make ourselves more attractive in general. Why does it have to be one or the other and not both?
After BD we're all pretty beat down and have shattered self-esteem. DB'ing says we need to exude PMA and make ourselves into the spouse only a fool would leave, but how do you do that when you have no self-esteem? That's where the thing about making ourselves more attractive comes into play. Working out and adding some muscle, losing weight if we need to, buying new clothes, getting a tan, getting new perfume/ cologne, all of these things have a superficial impact at best on a WAS. But they make us feel better about US. We like what we see in the mirror, we like the looks we get from the opposite sex, and that translates directly into PMA and confidence. It's that PMA and confidence that makes the WAS wonder what's going on. Typically the WAS is unhappy due to all the turmoil inside them, when they see a happy LBS they just don't get it, because walking was supposed to make the WAS happy, not the LBS! This can help the WAS to realize that maybe the LBS isn't the source of all their unhappiness after all.
Labug and starsky,.no I dont believe anyone would want to stay married to someone who doesnt want to be married to them.
I think what all lbs do is to try to hold on to the desire to reconcille for as long as they can. For obvious reasons such as divorced life sux in many ways, shared custody of kids, effect it has on kids (history repeating itself like my wife repeating what her mom did), wanting to fix what you messed up, avoiding the feeling that you failed etc etc there are as,many reasons to hold on as long as possible as there are WAS's.
Plus I believe when you love someone, you give them the chance to correct their mistakes.
The saddest stories are when the WAS realizes what they have done but the lbs has moved in and found someone else. Exchange of the kids or any other contact can be awkward and a harsh wake up call of the reality of the situation.
Just my opinion. I think im not alone in thinking divorce is best avoided, if possible.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
The saddest stories are when the WAS realizes what they have done but the lbs has moved in (on?) and found someone else. Exchange of the kids or any other contact can be awkward and a harsh wake up call of the reality of the situation.
Just my opinion. I think im not alone in thinking divorce is best avoided, if possible.
That's another reason why you shouldn't date during or immediately after all this. If you can't be happy and content on your own, you're doing it wrong. Our spouses deserve a substantial opportunity to figure it out and re-commit... well, at least that's how I feel. YMMV.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
The saddest stories are when the WAS realizes what they have done but the lbs has moved in (on?) and found someone else.
What makes you think that WAS will ever regret seeking separation or divorce? From what i have read here, most WAS thinks it is for the best.
M35 XW34 D5 D4 M 6years T 10years Bomb 5/2013 Joint Petition signed 6/2013 Moved out end of 8/2013 Court Hearing of Joint Petition 9/2013 D finalized in 3 months - no news yet
"What makes you think that WAS will ever regret seeking separation or divorce? From what i have read here, most WAS thinks it is for the best."
That shows how little you know and understand. It happens all the time. I personally know many couples who have reconciled here and in real life. And the WAS's do regret their actions.
If you don't think this is possible, then there is no sense you trying to save your marriage is there?
There is hope. But you have to believe it first.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
