Taking A Stand; What's my Position?

[JuneReN]

Gosh Mimi, registered and unregistered three times so far lmao!

[Mimi00]

After going the first week not talking since BD, H finally called today.

He started off by talking about our health insurance, so I assume the call was out of necessity not want?

We began independant insurance month ago b/c of H's travel job. They found out he is living out of state are going to raise the cost, and H wants to cancel the insurance completely and wants me re-sign up for independent insurance on my own and he'll continue to pay it (or at least that's what he says for now).

I told him I'd look into it...he went into a spiel on how he really would like to cancel right away it before the cost goes up.... so I said ok, cancel it.

He began talking about him really needing a car. I asked if he still is looking at the (ridiculously expensive) truck he wants, he said he's been looking in lower price range b/c his credit isn't great and he wants to put down a large DP (I kind of felt like he was wanting me to feel sorry for him??? My credit good it's what always got us apartments and cars and if my credit wasn't enough my parents always stepped in b/c their credit is wonderful. H's family can't help him in that way at all).

He said he's also looking for an apartment, but it's really hard to find something he'll be able to afford.

Then he asked how am I doing. It's hard for me to lie... so I fumbled over my words and said I'm doing ok. He asked me about my apartment and if I like it... I wanted to tell him how much I hate it, it's the worst apartment I've ever lived in, the male janitors who walk around in the mornings when I come home from work make me nervous b/c I live alone...etc... but instead I said it's fine. I guess if I was to do proper DB, I should have just said everything was wonderful?

I immediately turned the subject to my dog b/c that's always a positive, no faking the joy in that subject. Then I changed the subject to him, b/c I didn't want to answer any more questions about me, I hate not being able to say what I'm really feeling.

I asked him about work, he said work is always really great....it's just the rest of his life that he's trying to get in order.

Then he brought up that he's going to visit a male friend in Georgia who loss the ability to want and has not family. While that's nice....... back when I used to snoop at phone records, I noticed H has been reaching out to 2 females in Georgia, one I believe to be his ex-girlfriend before me, the other I noticed friend-ed/followed him recently on facebook and instagram AFTER they talked by phone (she's also commented on one his 'wonderland' photos "I'm ready to visit now ". So I wouldn't be surprised if he's going to see one of them, as well... (don't worry, I don't snoop much anymore, but it's nice to know what the truth may be. If he's thinking of starting a relationship w/ one of them, he's repeating the same pattern, he had a long distance relationship with me.)

Then he brought up the marriage dissolution paperwork. He said my moving has made things more difficult, now that no one lives in the state we were going to file in, and that he will look in to finding out if he can get paper work for where he is living now or for where I am living now, and he'll keep me updated.

I quickly changed the subject and asked about the weather lol

As the conversation ended, he said
"I'll call you back later today, or text you. Or call me.... or if you have any questions about anything feel free to call me".

I thought that was interesting. Again him telling me to call him. You guys still think he REALLY means nothing with his "call me"?

Just thought I'd ask one more time

[Mimi00]

Gosh Mimi, registered and unregistered three times so far lmao!

Too funny! I decided that if I am to date, then I'll wait for it to happen naturally, offline. lol It was fun to look though, but kind of discouraging too, not too many guys that find what I would want. 0_o

[JuneReN]

What is your dynamic again? I am sorry I am too pathetic to look through to the beginning. Did you cling and text etc. or leave him be?

He sounds lonely, support him but sound a bit more wonderful

[chl0901]

Hi Mimi, was just stopping by to catch up on your sitch and I am glad you are settling in (even if you aren't in love with your apt - remember, it's temporary and you won't have to live there forever!). I'm also glad you went to church and found some comfort in the message. I hope you have a good rest of the week!

[Mimi00]

What is your dynamic again? I am sorry I am too pathetic to look through to the beginning. Did you cling and text etc. or leave him be?

He sounds lonely, support him but sound a bit more wonderful

Hi Ruby!
I've never been a call/text person in life in general, H has always pursued me (until the last 1.5 years)

- End of April 2013 is when he said maybe we shouldn't be together, that night I cried, showed him pictures, etc... but that was the only time I did these things.

- He flew back to "wonderland" a day later to continue working. I called/texted him a few times in following days just to say hey....it was my birthday week so...

- Same week I sent him an email asking him to not close his heart, allow me to visit him and wonderland (I just recently found out he forwarded that email to his sister and re-titled it "this is not going to be pretty")*I believe that was my last phone/text/email out of "desperate pursuit"*

- May 2013 I discovered DB right after and started LRT b/c I thought that was my only option and I joined the forum, those who gave me advice encouraged the LRT. No calling or texting, hard at first, but then became easy b/c that's really who I naturally am: never the pursuer.
(I did text a few times, but he would responded hours later or even the next day sometimes, so that hurt and helped me to detach more from calling/texting)

- I LRT'd until end of June. He called around that time and asked if I was purposely not calling/texting? I said I was giving him space... he said he never asked for space... I asked if he wanted things to change? He immediately said no, changed the subject, said it was just a question, didn't want to make it a big discussion.

- He finally visited again soon after, he brought up that my not calling/texting was basically beneficial for him to be able to detach even more...I told him that was advice I received, he said why would any one give that type of advice during a time like this (backing away/giving space when a spouse is contemplating divorce)? When he saw me get a bit frustrated from that, he said he was sorry for bringing up the subject and he shouldn't have and stopped talking about it.

- Now, I continue to not call or text much unless it's something important, then I call (So in the last 2 months I've called maybe 3 times all for "business" reasons). I don't text at all really anymore.

[Mimi00]

Hi Mimi, was just stopping by to catch up on your sitch and I am glad you are settling in (even if you aren't in love with your apt - remember, it's temporary and you won't have to live there forever!). I'm also glad you went to church and found some comfort in the message. I hope you have a good rest of the week!

thanks chl0! You have a great week as well

[Mimi00]

The church I went to last week had an ad for a "Divorce Recovery" class in their weekly bulletin. Even though I'm not divorced yet, I signed up for it. It starts next Saturday and will be once a week, until November 23. No GAL this week, I thought I would get paid this week as I've been working 2 wks now, but I won't until next week, so money is very very very tight. Just hanging out w/ my dog for free for now lol.


There has been no contact w/ H since his call on 8/27

I've been a pro at keeping myself "together" when in contact w/ H since the BD; showing him I'm strong, sounding up beat, not initiating calling or texting unless really important, no pursuit at or R talks at all since the week of BD (end of June). I've been respectful, no snide remarks. I've been the total opposite of any "negative/bad" I was before, I haven't dropped the ball not once. We haven't had any arguments since before BD in April (don't know if that's a good or bad thing?).

There hasn't been much change since BD, that I can see, between us.

I think my no contact helps to put me out of his mind, which is maybe what is causing a delay on him filling out the dissolution paper work? (as of last week he said he still hasn't gotten around to it, but will soon start doing new research since I've moved to a different state since the BD he may need to get new paperwork. I did snoop today and saw that he's tried to contact his co-workers step-dad 3 times but hasn't been able to talk w/ him yet. I believe that's his "go to guy" for advice on how to leave me. This guy has been divorced & then married H's co-workers mom, they've been together for several years now....for whatever reason H is close to these people. I know I shouldn't snoop...I don't do it often ;)).


Any vets out there that can give a suggestion on what I should do during this 3rd month since BD? Should I change my techniques at this point, or continue to leave him alone as I've been doing?

[Mimi00]

I guess I have a dead thread; maybe it's a sign I should stop seeking answers from people to help me along.

I'm tired of my entire situation at this point.

Today I broke my no contact and send H a text with a link to a youtube video I came across randomly last night. My text said:

"Good morning, I watched this video and learned something; thought I'd share it with you. It's not on the topic it appears to be" (the group that uploaded it was a marriage group, so I wanted him to know there's no talk about marriage in the clip once he said the name of the group)


*The video was about negative habits we pick up from our parents that we need to recognize, forgive our parents for, and choose to not continue. Also things from our past that we saw our parents do or negative experiences we went through that cause use to say things like "I will never be that.... I will never experience that hurt.... I will never...." The speaker compared it to a drunk man trying to get on a horse. On one side of the horse are your parents/past experience and you are so extreme "never wanting to be that/feel that again" you try to jump on the horse but totally miss the mark and end up on the other side of the horse. Neither of you meet the goal. When watching I was reminded of my H. The week of BD he mentioned how badly his mother hurt his dad (by become an addict, abandoning the family, cheating on him) and H told me, though I have not caused him even the smallest percentage of hurt that his mom caused his dad, he will not even accept the small hurts I do cause. He will not be hurt like his father was.
The horse story was so on target to what H is doing, he thinks he's doing his life a favor by "never experiencing the hurt" that his father went through, but running away from our marriage, he didn't land on the horse, he's on the other side of the horse staring right back at his father and mother on their side. Fixing nothing, continuing a cycle of hurt.*


I sent the text at 7 am my time, haven't heard anything back.
Now I'm regretting breaking my "no contact" by sending it....
Now I'm worried he took it the wrong way....
I saw he took $200 out of our joint savings and I think crap, what if the video caused him to file the paper work and that's what the $200 is for? lol I know I'm probably being ridiculous.

But, this is so annoying.

I really hate my life right now
I know it's up to me to change that.
I know whatever changes I make will give me something better than what I am in right now....but it won't give me what I want, my H back. That's what hurts. I could obtain all the great and wonderful things this world has to offer, but it wouldn't mean anything to me.......


I don't think I'll be on the forums too much anymore. I like trying to help others where I can, but it doesn't seem like there's any help here for me. I do appreciate those who chimed in on my last thread and this one when they could. I think being here causes me to think about H/my sitch much more than I would if I wasn't on here.

All the best to every one in your situations.

[JayMan]

I've sent lots of dumb texts I wish I could have back! But I remember from my first time here, someone gave me a great line about dealing with a WAS: "Don't try to rationalize someone who's irrational." It's why LBS's go crazy, I think...