Guess I belong here now...

[sweetbabyred]

I've been busy with work, school, and trying to get ready to be out of town all next week.

On Wed I picked up xh from the airport. In my car I had a t-shirt from the last family reunion I went to with him two years ago. I asked him if he wanted it and he asked why. I said I wasn't part of that family so I had no need to keep it and wanted to offer it to him instead of just throwing it out.

He was silent for a moment and then told me to keep it, saying that they were still my family. Not sure how to take that, but I guess I'll keep it for now. I can reconsider in a few months when I'm packing up to move.

Another weird thing is that while I was driving, xh put his hand on my shoulder for a moment. Before, on long car trips, we'd take turns rubbing each other's neck/shoulders. It seemed as if he did it and then realized what he'd done, so he moved his hand. I didn't say anything about it.

Yesterday he texted me to let me know that he didn't get an offer with the company that is buying his current company, so in 3 weeks he'll be unemployed. So right now his new car and future apt aren't seeming so smart, but who knows if he'll actually do anything about it.

I wish I could do something, but I don't have the greatest financial situation either which is why I haven't bought new furniture, a new car and have delayed my move until June after I've graduated and hopefully have steady income. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Xh has offered to take me to the airport on Sunday and even to check on my cat while I'm gone, but can't pick me up because fl woman is still coming to visit. I'm looking forward to being out of town because I know I'll be so busy with work that I shouldn't have a moment to think about what he's doing. Also because I have a big paper due the next Monday and I haven't exactly started it yet.

I'm sad that next weekend is my last one free until january and my ss will be spending it with this woman and her kids. Especially since ss might be moving up north again by January. I haven't really had a chance to see him since before Labor Day. I was free, but xh didn't offer.

I still have some hope for us, but I have to live for me. Xh is doing much better than he was 6 months ago, but he still has a long ways to go, as do I.

[RosaLinda]

Hi SweetRed, just catching up on my friends. It sounds like your xH is in for a bit of stormy weather, what with losing his job after buying that car. It does seem that he is not able to completely let you go. Still muddling around in that rabbit hole I guess.

I'm sorry you won't get to see your step son, and he'll be with That Woman and her kids. That sux Red. Is she just up visiting or is she still looking at apartments up here?

I do have such hope for the two of you, despite the fact that you are divorced. Polly Anna maybe, but I think your H is starting to wake up, and when he does he will see you were there the whole time, his best friend, to whom you say he is still sexually attracted. That's nice, I do not have any of THAT Someday he'll realize that the infatuation only lasts a short while, but love and friendship and commitment in a marriage are forever. Not sure if you'll still be around at that point though, with all these cute bartenders hitting you up, and men out of the past looking you up on dating sites!

You do what is right for you SweetRed. You're a catch and a prize, and I have a lot of hope for you too Hope your business trip goes well!

[sweetbabyred]

RL, I'd love to think that he'd eventually realize that love, friendship and commitment are what a marriage is all about, but part of me is unsure if he'll ever get to that point.

I just hope that he doesn't go from one woman to the next, never figuring that out. He needs to be a good example for his son.

I was right about my trip; so much going on that I never had a moment to think. I was able to catch up with some people I haven't seen in a year, so that was nice. And it was probably 80% or more men, so it was nice to get lots of attention!

I got back on friday and along with some work, spent much of the last few days catching up on schoolwork.

I sent xh a text when I returned, thanking him for checking on my cat. He forgot once and I'm pretty sure he only checked on her once, but she was alive, so I overlooked the negative and decided to use woa to thank him.

I think fl woman may have left on Sunday, because xh texted to find out if I was home yet (even though we'd discussed several times i'd be back friday) and we casually texted for a bit.

Last night he texted to find out when I needed to go and get my key. I just told him I was in no hurry and I'd let him know when I was on his side of town. He said ok and I didn't try to continue the conversation.

Right now I'm feeling pretty strong. It may have also helped that my manager from last year kept commenting on how great I looked every time I saw her last week. Of course, she only saw me a few times last year (we work in different locations) and it was always after a long day of dealing with people, so maybe that's the reason I looked better now!

She was about to get a divorce last year, but over the past few months they both decided to work on things together, so I'm so happy for her.

Since I do feel good, I'm trying to get as much school work done as I can and possibly get ahead, as I'm sure I'll have some bad days in the future. But for now, I'm enjoying the day. And tomorrow I'm meeting up with a girlfriend for dinner so I have something to look forward to.

[sweetbabyred]

It's been over a week, so I'm going to update.

My birthday was last week (guess I need to update my sig) and it went pretty well. I got tons of texts and fb messages from friends and family, so it was nice to hear from all of them.

I've spent 1-2 days per week with xh for the last two weeks. He always makes the first contact and invites me over.

He's told me that fl w is pressuring him every day to commit to her because she wants to move, but wants commitment first. He understands, but says he isn't ready for that. One reason was because of me-(not that he's in love with me!), but he remembers how I was when we were long distance and that she seems extremely jealous. If she's jealous when they're casually dating, I can only imagine how much worse it could get.

I think I am getting more detached, but it is tough because xh seems so much like the old h I knew.

I'm still working on myself. I discovered the joys of interlibrary loan and am getting relationship/communication books from all parts of the state that I couldn't get nearby.

I just keep reading the various messages in the Bible about being patient and receiving what I have been promised. I'm a planner and doer, so being patient doesn't come easy. Perhaps that's why I've made it a mission to improve myself. It gives me a project to work on.

What I do need to work on is not being jealous of fl w. Xh is single, so he can do what he wants. Being jealous won't bring xh closer to me anyway, so it's just a waste of time.

[sweetbabyred]

So last night felt like March all over again. I'd been texting casually w xh and around 10 wished him a good night and told him to let me know if there was any chance of seeing ss this weekend.

He responded, "good night. i made a mistake tonight." and as his usual pattern didn't say anything or respond when I asked him what was wrong.

I don't live with him and we're D, so he doesn't have to mention this stuff and I'd never know. But he'll passive aggressively put it out there and not comment.

30 min after saying I hoped he was ok, I texted him asking him not to tell me things like that and then disappear. That it just showed me how bad we were at communicating.

Shortly after that he responded, apologizing and saying he was ok.

He'd gone out drinking, upset that his job is officially over, and decided to text ex-ow to say hello. She, in her usual manner, responded by yelling and cussing at him.

He later called me, at one point saying that he'd loved her as much as he had me. It was just one more reminder of how differently we view love.

And that he is still running from his problems instead of trying to work on them. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm working to improve the things I can and not keep reacting in the same way.

I really do hope that one day he'll work on his issues because none of his relationships will ever be successful until he does.

[subguy]

I just keep reading the various messages in the Bible about being patient and receiving what I have been promised. I'm a planner and doer, so being patient doesn't come easy. Perhaps that's why I've made it a mission to improve myself. It gives me a project to work on.

Awww patience, God grant it to me NOW!!! lol I'm the same way...

What I do need to work on is not being jealous of fl w. Xh is single, so he can do what he wants. Being jealous won't bring xh closer to me anyway, so it's just a waste of time.

That is tough, I have the same feelings. I have been trying to figure out why and well... it's because I'm still in love. Maybe i'm in love with the thought of being married or I love the old her and know if we both work on us then we can have something nice. Alas it is what it is.

Time to move forward with life. Who knows what miracle is waiting for us around the corner.

SBR you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings, you are unfortunately normal lol.

[sweetbabyred]

Subguy, I'm okay with being normal, I think. It's being average that would bother me!

It's frustrating because the issues we had really weren't that important in the grand scheme of things. We could have compromised and worked through them to have a great marriage.

But xh lives in a fantasy world where marriage shouldn't take any effort and if you have to compromise it means you're not with the right person.

Until he works on his communication and is willing to share his feelings without expecting others to mindread, he isn't going to have a successful relationship, with me or anyone else.

And I am smart enough to have realized that I can't fix him. I can only improve myself. Maybe he'll see my changes and want to work on himself, but I'm not going to sit around and wait for that.

[shouldistillhope]

Hi sweet,

I am just getting caught up on your thread since i have taken some time away from this board to try and get caught up on life myself. I hope you had a good birthday! It's good to see you keeping busy, it helps keep your mind focused on other things.

It seems like you have been having some contact with your XH and you seem to be handling that aspect of your life pretty darn good. I don't have anything brilliant to offer to your sitch, but just wanted to check back and see how things were going for you.

Take care and keep working on ways to make you smile!

[sweetbabyred]

Thanks shouldistillhope for checking in on me. I thought I was doing well with the contact but I think I need to back away some more.

I went over to xh's on Sat after work to see ss. I think it may have been two months since I've really seen him. He seemed happy to see me and gave me a big hug. He's always been a quiet, keep to himself kind of child, so I was so happy to get the attention.

Xh's best friend (and ss's godfather) is flying in next week and they've made plans for Halloween. As I was leaving I told ss to take lots of pics of himself in his costume if I didn't see him before.

Xh asked if I was going with them that night. I told him I didn't know that I was invited and said that I'd go if I was. He's getting ss early that week so they can go trick or treating. Since I won't have a weekend off til Jan, this is my best chance to spend some time with ss, so I'm going to take it.

Xh has asked me to come over to his apt and help him as he packs up. I challenge him on what he's keeping since he tends to be pretty sentimental about stuff. He says that he's more productive when I'm there. I can usually get my school work done there and occasionally help him out with stuff.

Sunday night xh asked to see if I could come over and I said it was too late. He wanted to know when I could come over and I asked what the hurry was. He reiterated that he gets more done when I'm over there.

I told him I'd get in touch after my lunch date on Mon (with a friend) and see what he was up to. As I was leaving the restaurant I see a missed call and a text from him asking to call him asap.

I was worried that something happened to his family, but know that he usually over reacts. Come to find out, he couldn't find the screws to one of the desks he's selling on Craig's list. Why on earth I'd have any idea where that is in his apt I have no clue.

I ended up going over, helped him sort some stuff, and then went to the mall to get masks for next week. At the shop I found out that he's going to a drinking party this weekend. It shouldn't bother me, but it does because I'm never invited to the "fun" stuff and one of the reasons he left was because I never wanted to do anything.

Anyway, I realized today that, although I do like spending time with xh, there will never be any possibility of getting back together as a couple if I don't more fully remove myself from his life. He needs to truly miss having me in his life before he'll realize what he's letting go. And if we're not meant to be, I need to be more open to finding someone else. And spending time with my xh isn't going to help.

I did tell xh today that although I did hope we could be friends, I'm not ready to see him happy with someone else right now and that I'd need to figure out what to do, but I'd do that after Halloween, because I want to spend time with ss.

It's weird because he acts flirty, showed me today that he still has his wedding ring, and doesn't want to hear about me dating or anything. And I think that gave me hope that maybe he did want to try. But just because I'm still standing for a reconciliation doesn't mean I need to stand right next to him.

And did I mention that I have a ton of school work due in the next few days and just don't feel like doing it? I'm so ready for spring again!

[RosaLinda]

Hi SweetRed, how are you doing? How is school going? How is that ss of yours doing? Did you have fun on Halloween?

I do not agree with your statement: "there will never be any possibility of getting back together as a couple if I don't more fully remove myself from his life. He needs to truly miss having me in his life before he'll realize what he's letting go."

I am more of the mind set that people need to see each other to re-connect. I know this is not the popular opinion, but you guys are already divorced, don't you think that is separation enough? I think you said that you had tried LRT last year - did it help you, bring xH closer? I cannot remember, sorry. Also, please feel free to disregard my advice, because as you know, I am not doing real well in my own sitch, so should not be telling you what to do, sorry

What happened between the two of you on Halloween?