BD One Year Later

[AnotherStander]

If he could find a decent country with beer and a grocery store close by, he would leave here immediately. And he's serious.

That's brilliant, because running away always solves everything, LOL! Whenever I hear something like this it reminds me of the old saying "wherever you go, there you are." I think your H is going to have to run before he discovers the demons he's running from are in him rather than behind him.

My emotions are all of the board right now. 18 years with one person is a long time. It's hard to picture myself with anyone else physically right now.

My biggest struggle when I started dating was to learn to open up to other women again. I was very devoted to my W even before we were married. Other women would express interest, but over the years I learned body language, facial expressions, etc. to make it clear to them that I wasn't interested in that way. After 25 years it took a while to learn to undo that, LOL!

I also know that my wall is still up, like it was when I met H. This time, it will not come down as easy.

I honestly don't know if I can ever drop the wall again. I trusted my W implicitly, she was always a good, genuine, loving, loyal person. If she can change like she has, then anyone can. I don't know if I can ever trust anyone like that again. That's not to say I can't be in love, but I don't know if I can ever "give myself over" to someone again if that makes sense.

[bustingout]

I honestly don't know if I can ever drop the wall again. I trusted my W implicitly, she was always a good, genuine, loving, loyal person. If she can change like she has, then anyone can. I don't know if I can ever trust anyone like that again. That's not to say I can't be in love, but I don't know if I can ever "give myself over" to someone again if that makes sense.

It makes a lot of sense to me. I don't know if I could ever make myself that vulnerable again. Or if I would even want to.

[hopefulinga]

That's brilliant, because running away always solves everything, LOL! Whenever I hear something like this it reminds me of the old saying "wherever you go, there you are." I think your H is going to have to run before he discovers the demons he's running from are in him rather than behind him.

Yep, what I said. I think I told him at one point during all of this that I hoped that one day he could find happiness within himself. I guess I rank this up there with the drug addicted moms that can't put down the pipe for the sake of getting their kids back. Because in the end, he's running from his D as well.

Other women would express interest, but over the years I learned body language, facial expressions, etc. to make it clear to them that I wasn't interested in that way.

In my big, dumb blonde way, this is where I get messed up in trying to interpret interest. I've always been bad at picking up this vibe, but even more so after getting M. I usually talked about my H a good bit, so most people would get the hint that way. I also have a 3 foot radius that I don't like people in, so I'm pretty good at keeping them away from me anyway.

I'm struggling with are they nice or truly interested?

I honestly don't know if I can ever drop the wall again....That's not to say I can't be in love, but I don't know if I can ever "give myself over" to someone again if that makes sense.

I totally get that. I've been burned and hurt before, however not like this. I allowed myself to be vulnerable, which I do not like to do. I know that H feels like he trusted me and I breached that trust (over finances). Mine is emotional. H was only the 2nd person that I truly let in. I was engaged to the first, and when that fell apart, the wall went up.

I can remember H and I talking about the wall and him asking me to let it down to let him in. And I can remember how sweet and sincere he was when we had the discussion. I get mad at myself for allowing myself to become vulnerable.

I know that I am not emotionally over H, even though I feel confident that I will survive if I move out. I'm still grieving the loss of the M. Living under the same roof makes this harder. I still see the sparkle in his eyes and the good qualities in him. At the same time, I know this M is completely unhealthy.

Sometimes I think my attempts to feel empathy for H and what he is going through gets in the way of my ability to drop the rope. I need to find the gray area, which is hard for me.

[subguy]

I also know that my wall is still up, like it was when I met H. This time, it will not come down as easy.

I honestly don't know if I can ever drop the wall again. I trusted my W implicitly, she was always a good, genuine, loving, loyal person. If she can change like she has, then anyone can. I don't know if I can ever trust anyone like that again. That's not to say I can't be in love, but I don't know if I can ever "give myself over" to someone again if that makes sense.

I think their is a difference between loving someone, allowing them in if you will and "loving" them so much that they make up my self worth. The first is a healthy love and the second in unhealthy. For me anyway learning to love myself again and be true to me is crucial. When I see "give myself over" I read lose myself. That is something I do not want to go back to. I guess the trick is to love someone who does not want to fix or change us and for us not to feel the need to fix or change them... just be.
* I may have misread the intent of that sentence, correct me if I am wrong.*

[AnotherStander]

I think I told him at one point during all of this that I hoped that one day he could find happiness within himself. I guess I rank this up there with the drug addicted moms that can't put down the pipe for the sake of getting their kids back. Because in the end, he's running from his D as well.

Exactly, and in fact I bought the book "The Happiness Trap" for my W's birthday last year and gave it to her, I told her I hoped it would help her find happiness from within. I know she read it for a while, but not sure it had any impact on her. The book helped me a lot though.

I also have a 3 foot radius that I don't like people in, so I'm pretty good at keeping them away from me anyway.

LOL! I have a friend that has a big bubble like that, we do things to infiltrate it just to drive him crazy

I'm struggling with are they nice or truly interested?

Guys are nice to women when they are interested in them, so if they are being nice then they are interested

I can remember H and I talking about the wall and him asking me to let it down to let him in. And I can remember how sweet and sincere he was when we had the discussion. I get mad at myself for allowing myself to become vulnerable.

He probably was sincere at the time, but like we were talking about, people can change so drastically! I think I'll always hold relationship interests out at arm length so that if they go WAS/ MLC/ whatever I don't feel that great of a loss again.

I know that I am not emotionally over H, even though I feel confident that I will survive if I move out. I'm still grieving the loss of the M. Living under the same roof makes this harder.

My W moved out pretty quickly after BD, that definitely helped me get over the emotional loss although I do still grieve the loss of my M a bit and probably will the rest of my life. I always thought it was forever. I don't miss W anymore, but I miss having my kids all the time.

When I see "give myself over" I read lose myself. That is something I do not want to go back to. I guess the trick is to love someone who does not want to fix or change us and for us not to feel the need to fix or change them... just be.
* I may have misread the intent of that sentence, correct me if I am wrong.*

Yeah, it's hard to describe what I really meant by that, but it wasn't "lose myself". Perhaps it's more clear if I talk about it in terms of codependence. I guess what I am saying is I don't see myself ever being codependent again. Personally I think in a healthy marriage there needs to be a degree of codependence, after all it's supposed to be joining two people into one team. But knowing what I know now, I don't see myself ever being codependent again. I can still fall in love, but I will always maintain my independence in future R's. I think the nature of my future R's will be quite different than it was in my M. Who knows, maybe someone will come along and change all that, that's just the way I feel right now and we all know how feelings are subject to change

[hopefulinga]

Maybe a little more insight on H tonight. H managed to lose his badge that allows him to enter/exit a secure area at the airport and was locked in. He called me and asked if I would come and let him out (didn't call any of his airport buds). As I got into the car, he called and told me he found it.

When he got home, he told me that he believed there was a reason he was stuck there for 45 minutes while the badge was missing, but he didn't know what it was. But he firmly believes he was kept there intentionally. He is not one to lose important things, and we talked about that. I'm the dope that needs the spare key under the bumper. And I've had to climb our fence (in a skirt) several times because I've locked myself out.

Over dinner I was telling him that I am a little concerned about my dad's memory. So we talked about memory issues in general and exposure to the environment. He then brought up his dad's work at a nuclear lab and if that what was causing his "issues". I did not pry and ask him to open up about what that meant. I hope that he feels comfortable doing so in the future. I did validate the thought.

He also wonders if that could be a cause of D's disorder, which is a genetic mutation. H did receive compensation from the federal gov't for his dad's exposure and death. I also validated this and told him that he could very well be correct.

I'll respond to AS and sg tomorrow. I've been burning the candle at both ends and was in court all day. I'm going to get to bed early tonight. Yeah Me!!

[Breakdown]

I can remember H and I talking about the wall and him asking me to let it down to let him in. And I can remember how sweet and sincere he was when we had the discussion. I get mad at myself for allowing myself to become vulnerable.

But without risk, where is the reward?

I look back at my time with my W and am really thankful. Yes, her choices hurt me deeply, but she is largely responsible for a lot of my changes these last couple of years. I'm such a better person now....a better dad, a better partner. My faith is strong. And I'm happy with me.

I'm reminded of the part in Star Trek V, where the guy is doing something to obsolve people of their "pain" and Captain Kirk says:

You know that pain and guilt can't be taken away with a wave of a magic wand. They're the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves. I don't want my pain taken away! I need my pain!

[subguy]

And I've had to climb our fence (in a skirt) several times because I've locked myself out.

Hehe I had to chuckle at this. At the end of the day hopeful your gonna be just fine, you sound very resilient.

Over dinner I was telling him that I am a little concerned about my dad's memory.

My dad is fighting Alzheimer's, that is such a nasty disease.

They prescribed him some coconut powder to take. I guess coconut is good for the memory.

I'm reminded of the part in Star Trek V, where the guy is doing something to obsolve people of their "pain" and Captain Kirk says:

[quote=Captain Kirk]You know that pain and guilt can't be taken away with a wave of a magic wand. They're the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves. I don't want my pain taken away! I need my pain!

Interesting thought here, I guess I feel the same oddly enough.

[hopefulinga]

I had somewhat of an R talk with H this morning. I will admit to breaking the rules and initiaing. I expect to hearing about a loan this week and needed to get some things off of my chest and let him know where I stood.

He says that the financial issues are the problem and that they are unfixable. That I put him in financial ruin and he is going to have to file for bankruptcy. And that he cannot get beyond this because he trusted me and I made a mess.

I validated and told him that I understood he felt that way and that I could see why. I told him that if I could turn back time, I would do things differently. I assured him that I had done nothing wrong and that I needed to learn how to communicate sensitive issues to him.

He agreed to a meeting with our accountant, which I scheduled for next week. I told him that I would have all of the financial informaton present and had nothing to hide. I also let him know that I felt like we could get out of the mess that we are in, that it didn't happen overnight and that it wouldn't be resolved overnight. He is skeptical, but heard me out.

I told him that we both spent more than we should and above our means and that we needed to use a budget. Even though we are both self employed, we know what it takes to keep the lights on. I also let him know that I take 100% responsiblity for what I did wrong in his eyes.

I don't know that this will help, but it is a step. I still see the hurdle as being his lack of acknowlegement that he is part of the problem, and I think that is where I will draw the line at some point. I admitted that I did not tell him when the balances were growing and that I was wrong not to do so.

He also agreed to sit down once a week to review income and expeditures both personally and for the business.

this is some progress, but I don't know if it too late.

[JuneReN]

I think whenever progress is made, and it is progress, it is never too late.

I think finances are one of the hardest things. H and I are not good with money at all, and while we have capital in the house and the equivalent of 401Ks we do not have a lot.

So kudos to you for bringing it up and I do not think it was against the rules at all. Sometimes it is something we need to do.