Unlearning conflict avoidance 5

[MrBond]

Personally, I think you need a life coach. Someone who you can relate to and model after in real life. I don't think a book is going to cut it with you. You need someone who can lead by example. There are many life coaches around. Joe Beam would be a good one for relationships but you're going to have to find one that you can follow.

[LuckyLuke]

Hi Mr. Bond,

That's a good idea - thanks - W suggested I ask myself "what would James Dean do in this situation? Do the same!" some years ago.

A few positive developments here: I went upstairs and read in the porch (adjacent to master bedroom) again, this time with no perceived hostility, and very differently, W came in to ask me what I thought of various Christmas presents while I was shaving and topless. As we've not been in the same room much at all while not fully clothed over these last years, this was a definite change and I thought, sexually charged (hope W thought the same!)

Other developments: I will invite a local divorced guy I know and like out to lunch, casually, not to talk anything serious. Will also look into group activities here, with the aim of becoming more social (even though I leave for the US in two weeks, for a month again). Will send notes to other EE folks that I liked. My closest EE person suggested that I review the notes from my DB coaching session and talk to my IC about help implementing them.

W and I are alone evenings the next two days, with S back at college and D on a school field trip. W is doing 5:2 diet, fasting today.

From a raining cats and dogs Sweden -

Luke

[MrBond]

"W suggested I ask myself "what would James Dean do in this situation? Do the same!" some years ago."

I remember when you first posted this. This was a perfect example of when she was desperately trying to get you to start acting like a man. But you either didn't want to or didn't understand. You've got to get to that point.

"A few positive developments here: I went upstairs and read in the porch (adjacent to master bedroom) again, this time with no perceived hostility,"

Stop 'expecting' hostility. All of that is in your mind. I don't know if you can see that. If you expect hostility, you will get it.

"As we've not been in the same room much at all while not fully clothed over these last years, this was a definite change"

Not really. Don't read too much into things that aren't there. That will be your downfall.

"and I thought, sexually charged (hope W thought the same!)"

I hate to burst your bubble, but that was NOT sexually charged. It would have been if you would have grabbed her and given her a hug or a playful slap on the butt, but you didn't.

"Other developments: I will invite a local divorced guy I know and like out to lunch, casually, not to talk anything serious."

That's a good start, but you shouldn't label him. Why is he a 'local divorced' guy and not just a guy? What does he do for fun? Does he go out on dates?

Will also look into group activities here, with the aim of becoming more social (even though I leave for the US in two weeks, for a month again)."

That's also a good start. You can even try to invite your W on occasion.

"Will send notes to other EE folks that I liked. My closest EE person suggested that I review the notes from my DB coaching session and talk to my IC about help implementing them."

You should have been doing this all along. You have a tendency to build up steam and then abruptly stop. Don't do that.

"W and I are alone evenings the next two days, with S back at college and D on a school field trip. W is doing 5:2 diet, fasting today."

And so what are you doing together?

[LuckyLuke]

Okay - I dropped in on the "local divorced guy" ("local" because I know more people in the US than here, "divorced" because I thought it might be relevant), a realtor, and invited him to lunch, casually. He suggested that we have a guys' evening (we have mutual friends) again. No, he doesn't date to my knowledge (too bitter about his D still), but he does go to tango evenings in Stockholm pretty regularly.

Doing together? Nothing yesterday. W went upstairs to work and prepare for school today, after a small dinner. I went and read in the adjacent porch (so I can be upstairs, okay, now what is next?) while she worked.

Tonight we could watch a movie (Crazy Stupid Love?), as she does not have to work tonight (every other Wednesday she is off). Yes, that does seem a plan - a nice dinner with home grown veggies and then ask if she would like to watch CSL. This domestic mini-date seems on the right wavelength.

Luke

[MrBond]

"No, he doesn't date to my knowledge (too bitter about his D still)"

How long ago has he been D'd? I don't think he's the one for you. You need to hang out with a healthy mix of strong married men and strong single guys who date. You don't want someone who is bitter on marriage.

"Doing together? Nothing yesterday. W went upstairs to work and prepare for school today, after a small dinner. I went and read in the adjacent porch (so I can be upstairs, okay, now what is next?) while she worked."

Walk in and ask her how things are coming along. Ask her what she's excited about for the upcoming school year. For God's sake, just say something. Don't avoid her.

"Tonight we could watch a movie (Crazy Stupid Love?), as she does not have to work tonight (every other Wednesday she is off)."

DO NOT see that movie. See something else. You do know that it's about a guy whose W cheats on him and leaves him for the OM right? You should watch that movie on your own. Steve Carell's character is alot like you and Ryan Goseling could be like your mentor. You'll see what I mean later.

Find something that will get your pulses pounding and push the adrenaline. What type of films does she like?

"home grown veggies"

Okay, stop talking like that. I don't know any men that do. Make something with some spice and flair.

"and then ask if she would like to watch CSL."

Don't ask. Just tell her, "let's watch this movie after dinner."

" This domestic mini-date seems on the right wavelength."

It's a good start.

[LuckyLuke]

Hi Mr. Bond,

Okay - CSL does not sound good. Any suggestions for the movie? She liked Anna Karenina, watched the whole Office series with our daughter, likes Boys don't cry, etc.

Our local theater has only lousy movies just now, so it needs to be a home feature.

If she says no to the movie, I'll talk about something else for a while with her. We have a few business items (how will we pick up daughter from her field trip when Obama is in town here and traffic is expected to be a nightmare? ) but I'll shoot for something else.

Thanks,

Luke

[MrBond]

"Any suggestions for the movie? She liked Anna Karenina, watched the whole Office series with our daughter, likes Boys don't cry, etc."

You're her H. What types of movies did the two of you enjoy together?

"If she says no to the movie, I'll talk about something else for a while with her. We have a few business items (how will we pick up daughter from her field trip when Obama is in town here and traffic is expected to be a nightmare? ) but I'll shoot for something else."

Keep things casual and light. For one of the nights that she's working, how about making her a simple beverage and put a rose on the tray? Something small.

Do you know what your W's LL is?

[LuckyLuke]

Okay - we'll watch "24 eyes " together and dinner is Middle Eastern, both the kinds of thing we did back during courtship.

Her love language is probably physical touch. Acts of service or receiving gifts are definitely not it (I've tried both). Words of affirmation are probably not it - I make a point of saying she looks good when I think so, but perceive no difference in her as a result.

Luke

[LuckyLuke]

Well, that went okay, though no movie, as it turns out she does have work tomorrow and wanted to prepare. We had a nice dinner, with more than the usual amount of conversation (thank you, President Obama, for coming to Stockholm tomorrow, and so offering a good subject to talk about) which she seemed to appreciate (and she must have noticed I used the fancy plates and tried to present things nicely), saying "that was a nice dinner, thanks", after.

I guess we'll need to redo this sometime, though daughter will be back then.

Have proposed a guys' evening to an admirable (French army captain, ultramarathoner) friend, so at least the pump is primed.

Luke

[MrBond]

"Well, that went okay, though no movie, as it turns out she does have work tomorrow and wanted to prepare. We had a nice dinner, with more than the usual amount of conversation (thank you, President Obama, for coming to Stockholm tomorrow, and so offering a good subject to talk about)"

That sounds good, but try and not talk about something so heavy. Talk to her about her. What her plan is for school. How she feels about something. You don't need to have a "reason" to talk to your own W. Don't be afraid.

"which she seemed to appreciate (and she must have noticed I used the fancy plates and tried to present things nicely), saying "that was a nice dinner, thanks", after."

Did she do anything else? Did she help you clean up or hang out after dinner with you?

"I guess we'll need to redo this sometime, though daughter will be back then. "

So? Why do things have to stop just because your D is back? Include your W in all this and make it a fun, enjoyable family time.

When was the last time you got your W to smile?