Attraction, oxytocin, and limerence

[planet]

That shows how little you know and understand. It happens all the time. I personally know many couples who have reconciled here and in real life. And the WAS's do regret their actions.

No. Seriously I don't know much.
WAS regrets their action?
It's hard to imagine how. After all, leaving their LBS is what they wanted.

[SM34]

Its what they THINK they need at the time. If life without their spouse turns out to be significantly different to the fantasy in their head, it only makes sense that they would regret it and want back in to the marriage.

If you have moved on too quickly, you may miss out on this. Which is why you hold on to that hope for as long as you can...within reason.

[SM34]

But your marriage had to have been somewhat good and as 25 always says 'they must believe that marriage to you could be better than it was before'.

If you were abusive or engaged in any other huge love busters, this may never happen. Mostly it is in marriages that were pretty darn good, just not as good as a fantasy.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Back in March I was having a conversation with my w about separating our stuff. There was a piece of furniture that we both wanted. I let her have that piece of furniture. To me it wasn't worth arguing over. I didn't actually say much to her during that conversation but she got very upset at one point. Since I didn't say much, I asked her what had made her so upset. She told me that it was how I was communicating with her; my nonverbal language. Since then I have made a point to be more self aware of my body language, choice of words, and speech patterns. Back then she didn't want to be in the same room with me. I realized that I needed to work on my ability to communicate especially when I was having a disagreement with someone. This endeavor became a 180 for me. The path led me to learning about the psychology of human attraction and charisma. That is the point of this thread. When responding on this thread, I would like to ask that everyone stay as positive as possible and not personally attack each other. Also please stay on topic.

[adinva]

good luck

[Starsky309]

Back in March I was having a conversation with my w about separating our stuff. There was a piece of furniture that we both wanted. I let her have that piece of furniture. To me it wasn't worth arguing over. I didn't actually say much to her during that conversation but she got very upset at one point. Since I didn't say much, I asked her what had made her so upset. She told me that it was how I was communicating with her; my nonverbal language. Since then I have made a point to be more self aware of my body language, choice of words, and speech patterns. Back then she didn't want to be in the same room with me. I realized that I needed to work on my ability to communicate especially when I was having a disagreement with someone. This endeavor became a 180 for me. The path led me to learning about the psychology of human attraction and charisma. That is the point of this thread. When responding on this thread, I would like to ask that everyone stay as positive as possible and not personally attack each other. Also please stay on topic.

Good luck.

Hmmm, too much to ask I guess?


Starsky

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Hmmm, too much to ask I guess?


Starsky

I would seem so...

[2ndtimearoundCA]

It seems like many of us find ourselves using the LRT. We are separated and making the most of our interactions. We back off; we GAL we do our 180s; we sit back and watch what happens. We assess what happens and we make adjustments.
Here are the guidelines per DR for when our wayward spouse becomes curious or reaches out:

· Be loving in return, but not overly excited or enthusiastic.
· Accept some invitations to spend time together, but not all.
· Do not ask any questions about your future together.
· Be vague when asked questions about the changes in you. Say that you are just thinking things through.
· Continue to be upbeat.
· Do not say “I love you.”
· Resist getting into conversations about your marriage.
· Beat your spouse to the punch when it comes time to leave or separate from each other at the end of an activity. You set the tone for going your separate ways.

Here are a few things that I have found worked for me in the past and I am going to implement them again.

· When talking on the phone, end the conversation first
· When texting, end the conversation first. If you have been going back and forth in a text exchange say “got to run to a meeting” (or something like that) as your last text.

o I read somewhere that you want to leave your love interest wanting more. When I first started dating my W, I had younger kids and would end chatting conversations to tend to them. She told me that it drove her nuts because she was never ready for the conversation to end. If you are naturally busy, then you will naturally do this. But if you have a lot of time on your hands you need to fake it.

· Mirror your text responses in length and take at least as long to respond as your wayward spouse.
· Look fantastic when you see your WAS, but don’t look like you’re trying too hard.
· Be relaxed and cool

Please add to the list above.

Keep doing what works, and stop doing what doesn’t.

My personal solution oriented goal is to spend more in person time with my w (once a week would feel like progress) and avoid a just-friends situation (interactions are flirty and not just emotional support).

[planet]

What if spouse does not reach out?

My W do not call anymore.
She does not text at all.
Not interested in any form of conversation.

What to do now?

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Planet - here is what I did.

Step 1. I went 3 or 4 weeks with minimal communication. I cut everything very short and was businesslike. I ignored any communication from w that was unnecessary. I took this time to work on me and gal.

Step 2. I initiated simple friendly text messages with w. (if she does not respond then return to step 1 for a while). My first text was something like. "Heard (song) on radio, thought of you. Hope you're well." Another text was "went to (concert) on beach, reminded me of time we saw (another concert)."

After a few text every week w would initiate texts too. Soon we would have conversations by text. Just small talk. I would make sure I ended the conversations.

Step 3. I began including intimate memories in my texts. At one point w told me that she would always love me ... W began initiating contact. Wanting to meet at gym or get drinks or something. .. At one point w gave me the ilybnilwy speech, but I kept going. A while later w agreed to go to Las Vegas with me for a weekend. After she agreed to go to Vegas our contact decreased and she finally canceled two days before.

Now I am back to where we have contact by text, but w's enthusiasm seems to change daly. But at least I have contact. And we did have a good in person meeting 3 weeks ago.