I originally posted under the Walk Away Spouse forum, but that doesn't seem to get much traffic. I'm very worried that my wife might be too far gone. She is in a hurry to go through mediation so that she can move out. The issue is that she wants custody decided before she leaves me.
We have an appointment with Michele coming up, but I have to admit that my wife's behavior terrifies me. She has actually scheduled an appointment with the mediator the next business day after we see Michele. She is so focused in wanting to do this, that's why I got the appointment with Michele. I'm not sure the Last Resort Technique will work with her. She can be very hard headed once she makes up her mind to do something.
I'm hoping this post goes through because I'm starting to panic. I know I'm not supposed to engage in talk about our marriage or future, but she is making it very difficult. She keeps dropping bombs on me that can only create conflict. Things like splitting our vacation at the last minute, splitting the bills, and paying back lawyer fees to the joint account all have been in the last couple weeks. There are actually more but I won't get into those.
Is this just standard behavior for the WAS? Am I overreacting? Should I contact my coach before we see Michele?
If this post gets modded please have someone answer it privately. I really need some kind of input.
Your WAS is pretty much a textbook case of a WAS. Every WAS is different and will react differently.
My opinion is that if she wants mediation that is her choice. Is it your choice to go to mediation? If not, place the responsibility squarely on her shoulders. Make her do all the work and don't accommodate her. You do not have to make D easy for her. This will buy you some time if nothing else and time is your friend right now. You don't have to be disrespectful about it but you don't have to do it on her timeline either. This will likely cause a negative reaction from her. Expect it and just tell her that you are sorry that she feels that way and go about your business.
Don't argue with her though. She may try to bait you into an argument. don't take the bait. Just tell her that you will talk to her when you can do it calmly.
Please post what happens after you both see Michele. I am curious to see what your S reaction is when Michele has a chance to speak with her.
Also, my W still drops bombs on me that are very hurtful. Remember, believe nothing of what she says and only half of what you see. My S has said things that later she says that she only said in the heat of the moment and didn't really mean them. Some things she did mean. You cant read her mind so don't try to. Just try to understand that these are her feelings and you have no control over them. She must work them out for herself without any help from you.
First I'd like to say that I am in awe of a lot of people on this forum. It takes a lot of guts to smile and act happy while your spouse is breaking your family apart.
I have a walk away wife. We were in marriage counseling for a year in a half before she made her announcement. Our pastor says he thinks this was going to happen no matter what. She had pretty made up her mind when we started counseling, and may not even have realized it, until recently. It kind of fits though. I kept hitting the goals that we decided on in counseling, and each time I did the focus would shift.
She has a hard time communicating, but is adamant that I should have been able to discern the underlying problem somehow. I have apologized for hurting her during my depression, and I have made a lot progress in the last year in a half. She even admits that things are a lot better, but for some reason, even with all the progress that has been made, she won't accept that things will get better. While she has a high opinion of our pastor, even he admits that she is only listening to what will support her decision right now. She even thought when she announced the divorce that I would be completely on board.
She has admitted that she is doing this for herself, and she thinks that the kids will be better for it. Logic that I can't even follow. She initially had problems telling me she wanted a divorce (cried the entire time), so the second time she tried it she had a friend help her with a written speech. As time has gone on she seems much more cool and distant about it.
We are going to tell my 5 year old daughter this Saturday. My wife has signed a lease on a house, and is very eager to move out. I'm very worried about my girls. My oldest is 5 and very sensitive, and will not take this well. My youngest is 2, but I worry about how this will affect her too.
I know I can't stop her moving out, but I have thought about asking her to give the separation some time before signing the final papers. According to my lawyer the argument could be made that we've been technically separated already for long enough for a divorce. I am doing the DB coaching right now, and my coach said that he didn't think it was a good idea, but I get these feelings of complete desperation that I feel compelled to do something. It could all be over in just a few weeks because the mandatory separation time has already been done. If I can't show her how things can change and be different while we're living together, how can I do it while we live apart? Right now she just looks for things to store away that she perceives I did wrong.
My biggest fear is that she will never reconsider. She has compared divorce to a light at the end of the tunnel. She is very stubborn anyway, but this is so far out of my comprehension I'm having a hard time coming to terms with why she's given up. Has anybody here ever had success after a divorce winning their ex back?
Sorry I didn't get back about our meeting with Michele. As far as getting our marriage back on track it wasn't successful. My wife is just too closed off. I think she has let so much time pass before she said anything, I don't know if there is much room for change. I did learn that there are things from her past that are also affecting our marriage. I also went in feeling like everything was my fault, but I know now that she contributed equally to the problem, even if she doesn't think so.
It can be very hard to not argue sometimes. Emotions can get the better of you. She tends to not do conflict, so when she does get mad enough to argue she is usually full on. Recently when I said I wanted to set a time limit on custody for when we go 50/50 she flipped out and threatened to take me to court and get full custody. I would get 1 day a week and every other weekend. Illinois has really bad divorce laws, and my county has an even worse judge. I didn't take the bait, and gave an honest apology for my part in the past problems. Unfortunately we got into an argument the next day about the divorce and the affect it's having on our kids.
The issue is that she wants custody decided before she leaves me.
Why is that an issue? That's something that should be worked out before separation.
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She is so focused in wanting to do this, that's why I got the appointment with Michele. I'm not sure the Last Resort Technique will work with her. She can be very hard headed once she makes up her mind to do something.
Don't fight her on this, it'll just make her more angry and frustrated. You want her to feel no pressure, and that means if she says she wants to separate then you should say something like "you're probably right that it's for the best right now". If you try to beg/ plead/ cry/ negotiate it'll just make you look weak and pathetic in her eyes (although most of us did pursue that path before finding DB'ing).
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I'm hoping this post goes through because I'm starting to panic.
I know you feel like you're in an emergency situation and that every move can make or break things, but it's not the case. I felt the same way in the first couple of weeks after BD. Those here will tell you that you're in a marathon, not a sprint, and if you look at the timelines in people's signatures you'll see that it's true. So relax, take a deep breath. As Cadet likes to say, you've been given the gift of time (even though it may not seem like it).
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I know I'm not supposed to engage in talk about our marriage or future, but she is making it very difficult.
You're not supposed to initiate it. If she initiates, it's OK to talk, but you should focus on being a great listener and validating her feelings. Read DR for more info.
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Is this just standard behavior for the WAS?
Yes, sometimes the WAS will try to rush divorce through but if the LBS pulls back and quits applying pressure, often the WAS will back down and quit talking about it.
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Am I overreacting?
Yes, but most of us did at first.
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Should I contact my coach before we see Michele?
It might not be a bad idea, you can ask the coach for suggestions on how to prepare for the meeting with Michele.
Ntincu, How long have you been married? You mentioned going to see Michelle together, how did it go? What were her chief complaints, before BD? Is there another man in the picture?
We have been married 9 years, but have been in a relationship for 12. The meeting with Michele didn't go well. My wife has gone pretty cold. I think she feels stuff, but she is so devout in what she is doing that she won't allow herself to second guess it. Michele threw out several life lines to her to grab on to, but she just let them go through her. Right now she is only listening to things that will bolster her current actions.
Her cheif complaints is where a lot of the problems lie. She did tell me some of them before the big blow up, but many of them were too passively voiced to get my attention. I was in the grips of a depression at that time, so I wasn't very responsive anyway. A lack of affection caused her to shut down sexually, just like Michele describes in her books. She didn't think I was engaged with the family on a daily basis and that we didn't share the same values. I think she meant how I didn't pay attention to the mail, missed bills etc., didn't work on the house, would start projects and not finish them before starting a new one.
Because of my depression my emotion were all over the map, and they were affecting the family. When this started I thought it was my depression that was the big problem, but I was wrong. Evidently it was other things that she had been holding back for years. She says that I get sulky when I don't get my way, but that she sacrifices form me all the time. We never really argued so she never let any of her frustration out.
We will argue now, too late of course. The most recent is when she got back from vacation with the kids. I unloaded the car top, which she said was great, but the next morning I guess I messed up. My daughter had a new booster seat that needed to go in to the car before school, and I was watching our 2 year old that morning while she was climbing around the car. My wife very angrily started to clean out the back of the car and install the seat. I asked her about it and she was upset that I was just sitting in the car while she was trying to get the kids moving. I apologized for it, and said I wasn't sure why I didn't think of it. It may have been because I hadn't seen my kids in a week in a half, and I was just enjoying their company. But this she said was an example of the problem.
Michele asked about another man too. I don't think she is have an physical affair, but it may be more emotional. She has a friend Andrew that she brings up almost every day. He's married, as are all her friends, but I think he and all of her work friends have replaced me. She has said several times about how she wishes she could debate with me (about current events, etc.) like she does her friends. I know she has lunches alone with Andrew, which I think are a little innappropriate, but maybe I'm old fashioned. I found out about one of them because our daughter told me about it when she was home from school and went with her. One of her friends even helped her write her divorce speech to me. She couldn't do it very well using her own words.
I've asked her point blank why she's doing this, but she says it would take her a while to figure out what to say. She wants to tell our girls Saturday and sleep at the new place this weekend with them. I'm not sure what to do now. My coach says to congratulate for being able to stand up for herself (done), and to support her moving out (trying to but it's hard).
We are currently having disagreements about custody. I see large gaps in my time with the girls, but she thinks the agreement is what's best for the girls.
