Unlearning conflict avoidance 5

[LuckyLuke]

We also talked about her school job, where she is the only teacher with four subjects, and how these beat up her brain. She said how she felt about this (tired), but how glad she was about some of her students, who actually requested homework and were then disappointed when there was none.

I wasn't afraid, and the dinner did seem special, not the ordinary, so all in all not bad.

She did nicely help carry out plates, but then went upstairs to work. I took off for a brisk evening walk with a beautiful sunset (Sweden is good at those), and then checked with her that my travel dates to/from the US were okay.

My main worry now is on a completely different front. We have a wooden sailboat that we want to sell. I am in charge of selling it, and the boat is my problem. We got a phone call on Sunday saying the boat needed to be moved, something that I do not want to have my W have to do (I can imagine her remark "you take off to the States and leave the crappy work for me", not a good sentiment when trying to rebuild a marriage). I told the calling guy that I was leaving in 2 weeks, and gone for a month, and could we please do it before or after my trip. Hopefully this will work... I will try to prep as much as possible in any case.

Yes, daughter being back is actually nice and adds a good element to the mix. She and I can cook the fancy dinner together next time, which sounds fun.

Daughter gets to navigate nightmare Stockholm traffic because POTUS is in town today.

Thanks,

Luke

[MrBond]

"We also talked about her school job, where she is the only teacher with four subjects, and how these beat up her brain. She said how she felt about this (tired),:

At that point, you should have lightly massaged her neck to alleviate the stress. Try doing that the next time you're with her.

"She did nicely help carry out plates, but then went upstairs to work."

REally? She didn't help to clean? She's using you like the help.

"(I can imagine her remark "you take off to the States and leave the crappy work for me","

You still have the tendency to mindread out of fear what your W will do.

"She and I can cook the fancy dinner together next time, which sounds fun."

Try including your W in all this.

[LuckyLuke]

No to massage (she does not like massage), but yes to touch, which is a big step (we have barely touched each other for nearly 10 years...). We were seated on opposite sides of the table, and are usually, so it'll need to be in a different context.

I don't have much of a problem with her not doing much cleaning up after the meal - she irons my shirts, renovates the house, etc, stuff which I don't do much. She does cook sometimes also, so I think the balance is okay.

Was at the boat - looks not bad - am making a for sale note now.

Yes to including her, or at least trying to, as she avoids doing things as a family. We did have a nice family restaurant dinner last weekend, just before S19 left for college again, and she actually had a happy smile, a rare thing to see.

Next step is to put up graphics she gave me in my office, ideally without her help. Accepting them (and I like them!) seems like validation to me.

Thanks,

Luke

[LuckyLuke]

D is back, tired from her trip. W was also at the train station when I picked her up, but more or less ignored me, focusing on D instead. Same at dinner, but I made it a point to ask questions and participate in the conversation also. W at least carried out plates and helped clean up this time. W also said that she will make lunch tomorrow morning, early, before going to work.

It may boil down to Cunningham's set a deadline for when things need to have gotten better. If it isn't met, well, it's over. I have some patience still, but perhaps better treatment by the end of the year would be a good Christmas present.

Luke

[MrBond]

"It may boil down to Cunningham's set a deadline for when things need to have gotten better."

While that's fine and good, what OTHER things from the Cunningham book have you learned? What masculine behaviors are you going to adopt? Nothing will change until you change first.

[Fartiltre]

It may boil down to Cunningham's set a deadline for when things need to have gotten better. If it isn't met, well, it's over.

IMHO!
When you, in the years to come, look back towards this period in your life it is my belief that you from there on will be happier knowing you did ALL you could to the BEST of your abilities – no matter how this ends.
As I see your sit and your actions and doings you are about to start DBing (again) and setting a deadline know seems a little premature to me! Do you truly see the ALL and BEST as kept going for a sufficient time.

So for now I would go with MrBond and extract all the other goodies from Cunningham and then leave the thoughts of deadlines be.

You seem to be on the right track but it is a long one so keep going!!
Do the work on you first, then apply patience and then consider setting a deadline!

All the best!

F

[T1000]

I read Cunningham's stuff in January. It was an eye opener for sure. The stuff on being a man and understanding women was golden.
However I did find it difficult to DB and do all that he says. It's not good to mix all the advice from one thing with another.

I ended up trying to take what he teaches on attraction and being a leader etc and leave the deadlines and incompatibility tests and carried on DBing.

[LuckyLuke]

Hola folks -

and thanks for your kind posts. Yes, doing my best is important to me. A salesman I once read about said he thought he had not done his best if he hadn't left his comfort zone every day, so perhaps that can be a useful metric. Reading in the porch upstairs was a start on this. Touching my W would be another step outside. It'd be good to create a list of such actions.

The deadline thing was an emotional reaction to yesterday's cold shoulder treatment. As there is still a good while until the 10th anniversary of W's leaving our bed, I suppose a deadline can wait.

Cunningham has a handy table around page 70 of what women find attractive in men. That is quite a list, though, so perhaps I should work on things W has criticized me for? She considers me weak, unsocial, unassertive, an Asperger's person, with no taste, and few or no friends - her perfect mate - haha -

Example: we are both working on windows in my office, she painting, me prepping. When she sees me wearing gloves, she says "only wimps wear gloves, why are you doing that?". I respond "to avoid beating up my hands". She says "ahh - you don't need em". I ignore her POV and continue prepping, with gloves.

Example: S19 is shaking his leg at the dinner table, something he rarely does. D15 says please stop, W says that is Asperger's, and gives me a significant look. I ignore her.

Example: I arrive at the airport in Sweden, returning from the US West Coast, so just had a long trip. W has nicely come to meet me. First thing W says is "where did you get that ugly shirt?". I ignore her, and conversation is difficult for a while.

What do you think? Work on removing the negatives she sees or Cunningham's list? Some of the points are the same.

Thanks,

Luke

[Accuray]

I think rather than ignoring her, you should confront her and stand up for yourself when she makes these disrespectful comments.

[MrBond]

I agree with confronting her. But maybe flip it around to her so she's the one that gets it. For example:

"Example: we are both working on windows in my office, she painting, me prepping. When she sees me wearing gloves, she says "only wimps wear gloves, why are you doing that?". I respond "to avoid beating up my hands". She says "ahh - you don't need em".

Just say, "Actually I think you're right. I don't mind having man hands like you."

"Example: S19 is shaking his leg at the dinner table, something he rarely does. D15 says please stop, W says that is Asperger's, and gives me a significant look. I ignore her."

Just say, "Don't look at me, it's from your side of the family."

"Example: I arrive at the airport in Sweden, returning from the US West Coast, so just had a long trip. W has nicely come to meet me. First thing W says is "where did you get that ugly shirt?"."

Just say, "I don't know. You got it for me."

She WANTS you to confront her. I don't know how many times this has been covered. Writing a list of actions is fine but the problem is that you don't DO any of them. STOP complaining and start doing. To be frank, sometimes you whine alot like a complaining housewife. And that has to stop in order for you to get your manhood back.