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Already started a thread but figured I would repost here as well. New to this forum but learning a lot from reading the posts. On 7/24 w announced she was leaving as she no longer loved me and and maybe never did after 17 years of marriage. We have two sons, 13 and 15.She went out that Friday night with some co workers and I happened to see her phone the next day to see some texts from one of her coworkers ( male) asking if she made it home ok and if she wanted to go out that night. She replied yes but maybe less alcohol. After seeing the text I then scanned our phone bill online to discover they had been texting very heavily at all hours of the night and throughout the day. I confronted her and initially she said it was all work related, well a number of these texts were sent after 11pm at night some after midnight. I then counted the number of texts and was shocked when I found almost 3000 texts between the two of them in less than a month. I thought we texted a lot but there were only 400 between w and I.
After another confrontation she admitted that it was in appropriate and then she would stop it. She went on to say that it was "nothing" and not physical.
Well, since I am always the fixit guy I found her a furnished condo and she moved out the following week. ( maybe that was stupid on my part but I wanted her to see I was trying to give her the space she wanted.
Our sons are mostly staying with me for the time being although she sees them daily. Her mind seems fully made up that there is not hope of R.
The day after she announced the separation I went to a counselor. I asked for a list from her of what bothered her the most with my behavior and started to work on the issues.
# 1 was my health. She felt I had let myself go and I had. I immediately started a diet and have lost 30 pounds in a month. I went and had a physical, and attended a sleep center. Counselor thought I was depressed so Dr prescribed anti depressant. Started a fitness program, and went to work on the relationship with my kids. I will say the anti depressant seems to work and I am felling better these days.
Attempting to do 180's but its been hard to cut off communication with W.
Here are the other issues on her top 10 list
I lay guilt on people without realizing it I don’t set a good example for my children I focus on the negative, even when I proclaim a positive she still hears a negative I talk down to her in public or make fun crossing the line I drive and use mu phone all the time. SHE HATEs this We don’t resolve problems , we ignore them until they fade away temporarily , then they come back I am irrational about dumb things and anger easily I do everything for neighbors and clients and nothing for her except a paycheck I always try to solve problems even when not asked. ( i.e. when she comes home to talk about her job
So, I am working like crazy to turn things around. After going thru two counselors I didnt mesh with I found one who is a DB counselor and seems to be a good fit.
A few questions: Do I make her pay her own rent ? ( I paid the first month) Do I push for separate financials ?
I asked if she would see counselor, first one told her there was no reason to see one as we seem to be able to communicate. ( about divorce) I asked her to see the new one and she said yes but when I tried to set an appt she didn't respond. I dont want to push it for fear of turning her against me.
Sorry for the rambling message but needed to get it posted..
M53 W42 T18 M17 S13 S15 DBing 8/01 /13 W moved out 8/01/13 W wears ring W said she wants D 7/24/13
This site (along with the books) has been wonderful in helping me work on things to better myself and hopefully in turn benefit my relationship with my H as well as others in my life!
Me: 27 H: 27 Together: 11, M: 3 S 2 BD: 06/24/13 Living together H: EA - unknown current status Read: DB, 5LL (slowly reading DR) Back and forth we go...
Hi there. Brand new to the forum. Some very refreshing stuff here. Thanks to everyone who contributes, looks like thre is a lot to learn but we all have come from similar places.
As for me, I am trying to save my 17 yr marriage. We've been in and out of counseling for 3 years now. Each time I didn't understand a thing, and thought I made changes that I needed to, but still didn't "get it". I am now "getting it" and in the process of changing myself for the better me.
We have 2 wonderful daughters. Both our families live in the same town (moms, dads, bro's, neices and nephews for both of us). So there is a lot of support. We are in counseling together and currently have been separated for 6 weeks.
Hi, I am new to the forum and am glad to have found it. My W and I have been married for 13 years and together for 15. We've had our issues in the past and have gone to marriage counseling ( 10 years ago). We have a beautiful daughter who is 10 and a wonderful little boy who just turned 6. Anyhow, during these past 13 years, my wife has complained that she wanted more of a partner and that I seemed to be more of a another kid in the household. I have tried in the past to step up and take charge, however she is very controlling and needs things done her way. If they're not done the way she believes is right, then you're dumb. I am the type of person who is very easy going and don't put up much of a fight if she has a strong opinion about something. Early last month she told me that she didn't think our relationship was working and that she was done trying. She also told me that I needed to come up with a roadmap to fix our issues, but that she wasn't going to do anything. She went on a beach trip with the family for a week (camping) and I visited 2 nights there ( I had to work). In that time I saw a therapist but didn't have a set "roadmap" yet so I didn't say anything to her about it... Until a week later and she told me it was too late. She said she believed our marriage was over and that if it had meant anything to me I would've fought harder and given her the "roadmap" while she was at the beach. That was 8/30/2013. She said wanted a separation and that we would still be family because of the kids but the marriage in her eyes was over and that 13 years was enough time. Right now I am still in shock and it doesn't seem real ... Our finances don't allow any of us to move out and she hasn't thrown me out (yet). We are still in the same house in the same room.. We have not been intimate in a long time and we just sleep there. I want to make things better, but don't know how. There have been too many words for them to really mean anything, so I set up some DB phone coaching from here for help. I am still in a daze and worried and scared for my family ..especially my children ... Anyhow..that is my story ...any comments are welcome as it helps to know I'm not the only one in this situation Joe
M 42 W 43 D 10 S 6 M 13 T 15 Wife wants to separate and says our marriage is over 8/30/13 Trying telephone coaching
