Thank God I found this community. W and i both 39 yrs old. Here's my such: W and I together for 20 years, married for 17. Basically a sex starved marriage for the last 10 yrs. 2 sons 12 & 10. W suggests MC in April, I agree, but we never follow thru. Lots of sex in June and she begins to withdraw from everything else. Facebook takes over her every waking moment. Loses 30 pounds, tanned, looking as good as the day we met. I'm suspicious, but enjoying the physical attention. My love language is overwhelmingly physical touch. July 10 I catch the texts from OM. She lies about length and extent. She drops ILYBINILWY. We see MC twice, she doesn't like it because "it's all about her." 2nd EA confirmed 9/13. She has been sexting at least 2 old HS friends. She is in a full on MLC. Even admits she's tired of responsibility, feels trapped, etc. I'm at my wits end. I love her dearly, but can't be a doormat for her MLC and multiple EA. Advice, support, guidance are appreciated.
JFun
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
It isn't necessary to prepare, but if you want to be sure you don't forget any important details that your coach should know, you might want to jot those down, along with any specific things you have tried and what has worked well and what hasn't. It is also helpful to take notes, so that you can refer to them after your call.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Man, that has to be tough. All I can say is that you really need to focus on yourself and your kids. I'm on moderation now since I'm new too...so I don't know when you'll see this, but I'm also working on myself and focusing on my kids. Read the posts put up by others and I would suggest getting some phone coaching. The coaching has helped me quite a bit actually. There's a lot of good stuff on these boards.
M 42 W 43 D 10 S 6 M 13 T 15 Wife wants to separate and says our marriage is over 8/30/13 Trying telephone coaching
I'm very new here and to DB. My H left about two weeks ago. I have six kids (19, 17, 14, 12, 6 & 3)--four from a previous marriage where my H was emotionally and at times physically abusive. We were married for 12 years before I was able to leave/escape with the help of my sister, who is pretty much my only family.
I was divorced for 3 years before I married my current H in July 2006. We dated long distance for a year and a half while he was finishing up a school program. He had never been M and had no kids. We were both 38--he had just broken off a 5 yr. R and was thinking he would never get M. I was a single Mom with four kids who never expected someone I liked back to be remotely interested.
Once he moved home we married immediately. It became clear right away that he was tied very closely to his family--particularly his Mom. We've now been married for 7 yrs. and we've gone from being head over heels to hardly being able to talk to each other without arguing. I am constantly catching him in lies ranging from money, to the kids, to his family and friends. He was very generous in the beginning with money, but, has always cut me out of financial decisions. Our finances are now a disaster and we have both had to file bk in order to try to save our business and house.
He has regularly put his family ahead of me. They have not been accepting of me, and feel comfortable openly and privately criticizing and attacking me without H saying a word. He just continues to insist that we spend great deals of time with them while I am treated disdainfully and ignored. I kind of broke down emotionally last Thanksgiving anticipating the Holiday festivities. We argued about our plans, but, did renegotiate arrangements. His mother was very angry and called and texted constantly making him feel guilty. He claims he wasn't angry with me, but, he gave me not even one gift for Christmas and hardly spoke to me. Since then our relationship has deteriorated to almost nothing. Our physical relationship--almost nonexistent.
In response to all our problems, I have tried to "talk" to him. I always truly believed that if we understood each other we would be able to work things out. He perceived the talks to be attacks and criticism. He either sobs or is screaming at me. If I tell him he is hurting me and our relationship, he concludes that I am blaming all our problems on him and calling him an A** ****. I really do just want to fix the problems. But, I do lose my temper. Even so, the fact that I just won't be quiet and grateful for the good things I have has driven him away. He came home two weeks ago and told me that he had a panic attack at work and was leaving.
He stayed with different friends for a week and kept coming back every day for dinner, to see the kids and then leave after they were in bed. He kept saying he just didn't know if he wanted a D or to work in the marriage in C. Right after he left I found e-mails from his Mom in January on his computer outlining her support and insistence that he leave me. She went on to explain how he should take the kids if he could and she and his sister would take care of the kids for him. I don't know if he's been planning this all along ? I definitely know that conversations with her are inappropriate and destructive to our relationship. I've found texts from her implying that my kids don't care about me and referring to me by my EX's last name. When I suggest that we distance ourselves, H is hostile.
We were in MC for about a year--about 1-2 times per month. The counselor basically asked me if I wanted a divorce, and if not, I had to let the lies and disloyalty go--even though they keep happening. For financial reasons and because the therapy didn't seem to be particularly helpful, we decided to try an online M program and some books.
I have since found out that he continued counseling on an individual basis in secret. Last week he told me that the therapist told him that I had Borderline Personality "Traits" though he didn't diagnose me. I burst into tears. Why didn't anyone tell me? How can I work on my problems if they are spoken of in secret? Is that why he's been distancing himself all this time? Because I am crazy? He actually kept trying to comfort me after that and backpedaling. I'm very confused. My ex always told my I was crazy and now I can't make this R work. I have been on anxiety meds for a long time and just recently switched to an anti-depressant which I do feel like has helped make me feel more centered.
I took some online personality tests and I actually tested pretty low as far as BPD goes. But, there is NO doubt that I have had difficulty regulating my emotions and I'm definitely going to work on it.
Two days ago, my sister and boyfriend helped us negotiate a 30 day separation. H was angry because he wanted to take the kids that day to his parents house for dinner and I wouldn't agree because I was so tired of the entitlement and finger snapping from someone who just left me. At one point he actually stated that he was coming home and wouldn't be leaving again until someone dragged him out. It didn't feel like he wanted to come home as much as punish me and get whatever he wanted. He agreed to stay with a neighbor/good friend and I agreed to let him come over every other day to see the kids as long as he agreed to have a time out with his family and not take the kids over.
He said he was willing to go to MC with me. I am looking for a new MC.
I am very discouraged and confused. I love my kids and my family. It is refreshing to read about other people being so open and honest about their difficulties. I started reading DB. Sorry this is so long!! Any words of support and encouragement is much appreciated. You all are very inspiring!
My wife and I were high school sweethearts- dated since we were 16. Classic love story- we have always been in love since we were kids. Broke up in college for a few years as the distance was too hard. She ended up seeing someone else and got engaged briefly but she broke it off to pursue me again. Got back together after college and have been married for 9 years- have 3 adorable children: 8,6,and 4.
About a year ago my wife seemed a bit detached and depressed. She mentioned that she wasn't sure if she wanted to be married to me anymore, but did not elaborate further or show any interest in marriage counseling.
Like a dolt, I blew it off as grousing and temporary discontent as I had a few career changes and we were under some life pressures. Fast forward a year and she said she thinks our marriage is over and moved out and got her own apartment.
She initially said she wanted to divorce because she didn't think things could be fixed, then she said she'd like to separate to sort things out. She has mentioned wanting to try to save our marriage, but she has dropped out of counseling and acts almost like amid life crisis the rest of the time- new car, new clothes, spending lots of money on her new apartment and herself.
I am DB'ing as best I can- but DEVESTATED. My children are so young and so healthy and well adjusted right now. My wife is no saint, but I love her and can't bear the thought of a future without her.
I think I need to detach while she figures things out or I will end up smothering her
I have been lurking here for a few weeks now, and have read The Divorce Remedy and familiarized myself with most of the acronyms used on the site, and with some of the methods used when confronted with a WAS/MLC.
I am 52, my wife is 49 and very attractive. She has aged gracefully, and I think she is lovely. And I have told her so frequently. I love her without limit. My kids are S16 and D14. They are wonderful and brilliant to me.
I work from home, and my wife works downtown. She makes almost twice as much as me, but I am in the house all the time for the kids, and I make breakfast, pack lunches and cook a gourmet meal six nights a week.
My 19 year marriage has largely been a happy one, until five months ago, when my wife dropped the bomb on me. We have always been the sort of couple who gets along well,enjoys being together etc. We can spend two hours talking non-stop on one of our regular Saturday morning walks.
It was during one of these walks that she told me she was "done" that she wanted out of the marriage, that she had rented an apartment, and hired a lawyer. I reacted without anger and for a couple hours we discussed the reasons for her decision.
There were three issues. First, I had been losing my temper with the children too often, particularly with my S16, who has a rather severe case of ADD/inattentive and who struggles to keep up in school. He tests in the 99 percentile on standardized tests, and attended a magnet school for exceptionally gifted children in middle school, but due to his ADD he is always behind on homework and he earns mostly C's in school.
The second issue is that I have a strong personality, and my wife feels that I am too controlling of her, and of the kids.
Third, we have occasionally argued in front of other adults at dinner parties (briefly - and without creating a scene). She is embarrassed by these incidents, and blames me for them.
I mention these issues because I believe that while serious, I don't believe they are issues one ends a 19 year marriage over.
She told me that she had not loved me for about six years, and had been faking it ever since. That when she told me she loved me in the past, that she hadn't meant it, and that the sex we'd had for years was without meaning for her. Since we have always had what I felt was a rather good sex-life (twice a week or more for 19 years), I found this difficult to accept as true. I'm not so distant, or so stupid, that I believe that she could (or would) bother to be faking orgasms for six years.
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But, I told her then and there, that I would stop the things that bothered her to the best of my abilities and I begged her to give me three to six months to prove myself, to remake myself, to begin our relationship anew.
After a few weeks of thinking, she decided that she had to move out. I believe she felt she'd made a decision, and wanted to follow through with it. To be true to herself.
I told her that since I was the problem, I should be the one to move out. That she should be with the kids. She refused. Said that she needed to get out of the house and to find out who she was. That she felt she'd been living under me for so long, she didn't know who she was anymore. She said that she never felt that the house was hers anyway, and that it was really my house.
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Then an odd thing happened. She moved in to her apartment, and we began dating each other regularly.
It was wonderful.
We went to new places, restaurants, and both developed an interest in our city's professional soccer team. We continued love-making regularly, and I felt that I might have dodged this D bullet. We were really in love again. We were holding hands, saying ILY and both of us meaning it. Felt like kids again.
We went merrily along this path for almost 3 months, when suddenly, she told me she no longer wanted to date me, or to have sex with me, or to see me regularly.
We continued the Saturday morning walks, and to see each other for an occasional beer together, but nothing more.
It was at this point that I discovered DB'ing, and have stopped the pursuit completely. I have gone mostly Dim, and see her only when she approaches me. This is usually during kid hand-offs, but our D14 plays on a soccer team so we see each other for one or two games per weekend. I made a point to sit apart last weekend. Not sure if that was a mistake.
She is always happy to see me, and always touches me. She is a very sunny person, and continues to stand near me, sometimes brushing me with her shoulders, touching my arm, occasionally brushing my arm with her breast. This is driving me nuts, as you can imagine. She knows she is doing this, and says she is aware she is a very touchy-feely person. She talks with her hands and frequently makes physical contact to make a point.
She has told me several times in the past month that she does not think she will ever move back, that I will be fine, etc. She honestly believes that, "the kids will be fine". She thinks we will both find someone new and that we will be fine. She has no freaking idea of the reality that lies in store for her.
She says her friends all say that she is happier now, and she seems to be gauging her own happiness by what others are telling her. This seems odd to me.
She is in denial about the the financial disaster that awaits us (it's already started as we have been financing her $1200 rent with our retirement income). No idea that her future Prince Charming will come with kids, and ex-wife, in-laws, and baggage - if he even comes at all. More likely she will date older men who will annoy her for the same reasons I did.
She has a group of 10-12 new friends from work that she socializes with. I have only ever met one of them. They are all younger than her, and either divorced, recently broken up, or gay. One of them is a Lesbian with two children from two previous marriages. The mind reels. They go out to happy-hours together, and to book club meetings, She hosted four dinner parties at her new apartment this Summer.
She says she doesn't miss me at all.
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Today, I found that she has filed for divorce. But she has not yet told me. (Yes, I snooped. No, I am not sorry. I am glad for once to know something before she drops another bomb. I have had an afternoon to recover and prepere myself mentally.)
I have not spoken to her, though naturally I have huge urges to break all of the DB'ing rules. To exhibit my anger, hurt, humiliation, love, etc. But instead, I am typing my story into this computer, and readying it for launch into the immortal internet.
I have several questions:
Things were going great back when we were still in the post move-out dating phase. (Her love language is Quality time and Words of Affirmation.) Now that I have gone Dim, I worry that she does not feel loved, which is making it easier for her to leave me. I believe she subconsciously understood this - and that is why she broke off the dating phase.
Now, should I simply let this divorce filing run it's course, or are some sort of drastic measures in order? Should I 180 and start pursuing?
Does this sound like a WAS situation, or is she having an MLC? Or both?
How dark should I get? Should I still go on Saturday morning walks and coffee after?
I would appreciate any suggestions, or observations.
Thank all you so much for providing this BB and to Michelle for starting it all up.
Me:52 Wife:49 Married 19 years Son:16 Daughter:14 Bomb dropped with ILYBNILWY: May 2013 Wife moved out 2Jun13
4 years M, 10 month old daughter. Wife left home 6 weeks ago and took all her stuff out, lives with her mom. Says she wants quick divorce. Counseling did'nt work. Hopeless. Looking for help. Thanks.
I already started a thread but I'm on moderation right now. Ill repost here just to introduce myself and my situation:
New here and is love any help with my situation. Long story but I hope the background information helps.
My husband and I have been married for 12 years and together for close to 16. We started dating in my senior year of high school an the year after he graduated. We'd planned to attend college together but our parents were concerned about unintended pregnancies and at the last minute sent him to a college 3 hrs away from me. During this time we continued to date and I'd drive down to visit when I could...I stayed faithful but he eventually started seeing someone else. I was devastated when I found out. I suspected something was wrong and drove down to find him living with another girl who became pregnant.Id visited the apt several times and didn't suspect. According to him, their relationship was rocky. I broke things off immediately but was sucked back in when he called and said shed left him. I drove down the same day to comfort and be there for him and we picked right up where we left off. About a month and a half later I was pregnant too.. His oldest son was born full term in March and due to our daughter being premature (stressful pregnancy) she was born a week later. (Sounds so bad written out- sigh) ...fast forward, he and the girl did not get back together and she took his son moved on and allows him no contact...I on the other hand married him when our daughter was 1 yr old...
When things were good, they were really good and when bad- just down right horrible. I suspected multiple affairs however I never had enough to "prove" anything until we'd been married about 5 years. A friend of his from high school and he had a PA that I suspected because she was a little too nice. -let him drive her car -started hanging out in his office late at night -finally confirmed with a written note from her to him I was angry. I threatened to leave. I didn't. We said we'd get counseling but never did. I wanted to believe everything would be okay because I loved him and by that time we had another daughter, I was an on again off again student, and we both worked low wage jobs trying to support our family. We lived with his parents for a year before they payed for a six month apt lease for us, then we moved to his fathers rental home. Financial issues plagued the marriage as he didn't finish college and neither had I at the time. Eventually i found a job that supported us an thought things would be better. It was around this time that in addition to this extramarital affair, my husband admitted to being addicted to powder cocaine. I thought maybe the money was going to the now ex OW, strippers, or something. I was shocked to find out I was powder cocaine but i blamec the past affair on bad decisions because of the drugs. Luckily, my job had good insurance that paid for a 30 day stay at a substance abuse clinic and my husband came home. i stood by him as he did the 90 meetings/90 days and continued steps necessary for recovery. I thought if he was sober, things would be better. I continued in my job but my husband struggled with seeing me as the breadwinning spouse- he very much needs to feel like the "man" in the relationship. We had another daughter...now 3 kid, shaky finances, substance recovery for him, opening and closure of a small computer networking business he started later Hubby lands "the job of his dreams" as a network administrator for a real estate company. It is now 2 years into hubby's recovery and on the outside all is well. He is supporting the family, I started going back to college, we move into a nice home and buy 2 cars...To me, we'd made it. I found out i was pregnant again w/ our youngest child. It was a difficult pregnancy. I was never interested in sex as i was sick all the time. I was also tired due to having the older kids at home. Around this time, my husbands great job started to send him out of town to their satellite locations i other cities.
That is where five almost six years ago my husband met this most recent OW. they got to know one another as he would often have to make trips from Houston to Dallas to set up a new computer network for the company. This OW got pregnant however I did not find out until maybe 3 months after the child was born. I can only guess that my husband felt guilty and left a hint for me to find out and confront him- he left a picture of her holding the baby on his phone home screen. I cried, I was devastated again. I didn't threaten to leave this time as i was 1 month shy of completing my Bachelors degree with 4 children and no job- and I loved him. He assured me that the affair had long ended and he was unsure if the child was his. I accompanied him to take the paternity test and of course he was the father...despite the child, hubby and OW had rarely any contact until child was almost 3. The OW would occasionally contact me to deliver pics of child to hubby. Eventually I told her I didn't need or want to be the middle man and suggested she email pics of child directly to hubby. For a while, this worked and everything stayed about the child. Our whole family went to visit the child on her B Day so she could know her siblings...video chat w/ the hubby, kids, and the child were conducted in the living room w/ me present. I think things started to change this past year - family style video chats ended and personal Skype and phone video started about 6 months ago -he started working more and being emotionally distant 3-4 months ago -stopped responding to ILYs -stopped being interested in my day -has a home office and will stay in there until 2 and 3 in the morning -my husband travels for work on the weekends which now coincides with when she posts to FB that she will see her "baby." -confirmed ea/pa via email and messenger on FB where he talks of learning things on the Internet that will "revolutionize their sex life." -he calls her his "babygirl" and even had a pic of her pop up when she calls his phone. Meanwhile, he switched my contact from wifey to my first name when I suspected previously and threatened divorce. -I told his mother and he tried to explain everything away. We'd had problems in the past due to this OW but my hubby painted a picture of my just being hyperviligent and suspicious for his past actions. He says to me, her, and everyone that he wants nothing to do with this girl. I showed his mother the proof and she believes me but he became so angry that he has asked me not to contact his family. His mom is acting distant too. -He won't confirm or deny the affair and doesn't have to for me. He keeps saying I don't know what's going on and since 8/25 stayed angry with me for snooping and getting the information. He was spewing all sorts if nastiness that is not typical for us ...blaming me for "never listening" and using curse words when talking to me "u don't know what the #%\% is going on." -when I found out I went into his email he was so angry he stopped ML for a couple of weeks and barely spoke to me. It was excruciatingly painful as prior to the last several months we were close I thought physically and emotionally. - -he refuses to go to counseling now and is only making small changes to make himself look good. *comes in from home office around 10/11pm *has ceased hateful speech and cursing *tells me where he is going although I think he is lying. -either he is the dumbest husband ever or he wants to be confronted-at this point he is leaving things easily accessible for me to find. Maybe he thinks ill throw a fit and leave. He seems to not be able to say he wants out...he leaves tickets to the River Walk in SanAntonio out when he was supposed to be in a different city. - I just found a business bank card in her name with a combination of their initials as the business name. The ATM receipt which was left on the ironing board says he just made a deposit yesterday. I knew of the existence of an account which he says he was depositing child support into but not a business account. Yesterday's deposit was $800.00
I dont know what to do as none of our marital issues has ever really been addressed. We would just sweep things under the rug and keep going. I want this marriage to work although logically i know it may not. I am the only person trying to heal. He is not remorseful has not apologized, etc
-I've been lurking so I kind of understand about GAL and 180s ... - I read the blurb on ML to spouse if u feel it is right, may bring you closer, and don't feel used afterwards...but it seems as if hubby is only interested in sex "just sex" and providing money for household expenses "no cuddling or other affection.
I went twice to counseling without him because he wont go. My therapist want to spend sessions of me writing down every bad thing he had ever done an have me read it to an empty chair to move me "from shock and denial" to "anger so you won't take anymore of his bullshit" - didn't sound pro marriage...
As I write this, I am just realizing that hubby may be hiding small assets or trying to. -large deposits into OW and his account -came in from out of town and purchased a second vehicle for 1000- put 700 dollar rims on it :-(
Is it time to see a lawyer?...my head is spinning- is this fear or sensibility ruling?
