Husband wants divorce, after my affair revealed,

[Flo]

Thank all of you who replied. I covet your wisdom and experience.

[Cadet]

Hope you are still on here.

Yes she is still here cause her post count went up by one today.

[littleGTO]

Flo- It has been 14 1/2 months since BD and my H has been involved in an EA for over 20 months. He only recently apologized for screwing up our lives. Sincerely.

It MAY provide us with a starting point. It was HUGE to me. I think if nothing else it will lead me to a point of forgiveness in the future.

So, I agree with Accuray, that is where you need to start. Pure and heartfelt and without defenses.

[FlyOnTheWall]

Flo,

I might be WAYYYY off on this, and im sure the vets will correct me if I am. But, imho, you not answering the phone and letting it go to VM might show, at least in your husbands mind, that your out with OM again. Looking pretty every time you see him too.

Let me explain, right now your husband feels betrayal, broken trust and thinks you might be going "out" on him again. If your not answering your phone, his mind is instantly thinking your too busy to answer cause your with HIM again. Thus the further push for the instant divorce. Maybe as a 180 would be to actually answer the phone and put his mind at ease, let him know where u are, what your doing. I think your going to have to eat a lot of crow for the near future while you build that trust back up VERY slowly. If he's calling, that's a positive, he's reaching out- even if its in anger right now, if your not answering, he might just give up altogether.

Like I said, I might be totally wrong here. But rebuilding the trust has to start somewhere. Being unavailable doesn't seem like trust building to me. Sorry if im wrong.

[PatientMan]

First time posting. We have been married 22 years and have 4 children. I had an affair for 3 months. My husband discovered the affair. He moved out within 48 hours, which was mid July. He is adamant about getting a divorce. Will not try to try or go to counseling. He is a strong Christian and says that adultery is only valid reason th divorce, and he is taking it. He is extremely hurt. I am sick with what I have done to our family our marriage. He says he forgives me but could never ever trust me again. I want to Create a new marriage for us.Help! Thank you.

Your husband is clearly hurt, as you have acknowledged. Trust CAN be rebuilt over time, but it will take TIME.

He is definitely using the technicalities of the Bible to rationalize his "out" of divorce. However, I disagree that divorce is the Christlike response here. Christ never stops pursuing his bride (the church), no matter the transgressions we commit. So in my opinion, modeling Christ's behavior would certainly not be to divorce a repentant bride. In time he may realize this or have this pointed out by someone influential in his life, but it shouldn't come from you.

Of course, I don't know the intricate details of your M and can't speak to the entirety of the situation, it's just my personal opinion based on what you've posted and my personal faith.

I don't recommend telling your H any of that^, just know it for now. Follow the DB'ing principles. And I agree with others that rebuilding trust with him is paramount.

Also, remember that divorce is not necessarily the end of marriage.

God bless,

-PM

[Flo]

I have read all of the posts, and thank you all for your input.
THANK YOU to the person who wrote about RECOVERED couples who are happy and sappy now. That is so good to hear!
Re the problems in my marriage before I had affair were present for sure. We went to counseling in summer of '12. My pre-affair faults were that I didn't put fuel on the good stuff my husband did. I put fuel on the things he did that I disliked or hurt me, and that drove him to be at work more to get positivity and emotional needs met. I am not focusing on his "faults" because I don't own them. I stopped praying with him because I didn't feel I could reveal my inner life to him anymore. I am sure I was not assertive enough or specific enough for what I needed from him. I just withdrew, and got very very angry, bitter and hostile. Slow stew. That was not a good choice. I should have written down thing s like: Hold my hand at home, be at work no more than 10 hours a day (14 hour days were norm-and be with me instead some of that time (he coaches two of our children in sports),and ask him to tell me the same things for him.
To the man who replied about how he wanted to see a change in how his wife thought, thank you for sharing that. That is helpful to hear from "his" p.o.v.

Also, a bunch of you posted about providing evidence that I am not with OM by answering phone when he calls etc.- when the bomb first dropped I was a begging crying groveling mess. Since reading the 37 things, I avoid that most days. Today I am of twon and my H is staying with our kids at our home. BC of what you said, I made a point to video chat my daughter this AM and made sure I got kids to bring phone to their Dad so he could see me in hotel room by myself . I like the idea of planting seeds of proof-even though he says he doesn't care.
I have a phone session tomorrow with one of the coaches from DB, any tips? I have a list of questions for him, like
1)Given that my H says he wants a divorce. Period. No trying, no counseling-what can I do to promote hope?
2)How do I figure out WHY I did this?
3)Everyone knows I was unfaithful (my H told 4 co-workers, and it went around town like wildfire. H is a community leader). Does that ensure there is no hope? How do I handle the public shaming?

Any suggestionis of questions for coach are appreciated.

[SM34]

I second this. acting as if you are ok with moving on is NOT for the cheater (not trying to insult you, just wanting you to think about the severity of the hurt here).

As everyone else said, you should probably be available and accountable for yourself at all times. It will take time for him to let his guard down but I can tell you from a mans perspective, its certainly not over if he is calling you. Just my opinion.

He is deeply hurt and is probably cycling through anger, hurt, resentment, fear, compassion etc. when he reaches out to you, he is in a compassion/forgiveness moment, and getting your voicemail pushes him into anger again.

We are all here for you. As people who have mostly been cheated on, we are very happy to see someone like you who is ready to admit their mistake and fix their marriage! I applaud you.

[Flo]

For the Husbands who were cheated on:
1) what was the most healing/generous thing your wife did for you/Said after the affair?
2)what was the thing she Did that kept bringing back the hurt? The mistrust?
3)are any of you reconciled happily?
4)how are your children doing? How is their relationship with their Mom? You?

Trying to see things from his point of view!

[labug]

No matter the situation the only answer is time and patience. He's done with you right now so respect his wishes and let him be done. If you want to stand for your marriage, do so but without expectation.

Decide who you want to be through this and be that person. When (if) he heals from his hurt and anger, he may be willing to reconsider but he has to heal first.

[cat04]

Re the problems in my marriage before I had affair were present for sure. We went to counseling in summer of '12. My pre-affair faults were that I didn't put fuel on the good stuff my husband did. I put fuel on the things he did that I disliked or hurt me, and that drove him to be at work more to get positivity and emotional needs met. I am not focusing on his "faults" because I don't own them. I stopped praying with him because I didn't feel I could reveal my inner life to him anymore. I am sure I was not assertive enough or specific enough for what I needed from him. I just withdrew, and got very very angry, bitter and hostile. Slow stew. That was not a good choice. I should have written down thing s like: Hold my hand at home, be at work no more than 10 hours a day (14 hour days were norm-and be with me instead some of that time (he coaches two of our children in sports),and ask him to tell me the same things for him.

You want to figure out why you had an affair...

What I have quoted is a very good place to start. It is obvious to me that you had needs that were not being met by your H...

Instead of finding a way to try to communicate those needs to your H and see if change could happen, or trying to find a way to meet your needs for yourself, you turned to another man to have those needs met for you.

So I would ask, WHY did you feel like you could not approach your H?

Why did you feel like you could not reveal your innerself to him anymore?

While you don't want to focus on his faults, there will come a point where you have to recognize them and determine if they are things that you can live with...

If you reconcile and your H continues to work long days, leaving you alone, HOW would you handle that?

Good luck with your coaching session. There is no simple fix for this and no easy answer.

Keep posting and being as open and honest as possible. It will help you in the long run.