Hi all I welcome advice and/or happy stories from anyone is who is on the other side of the mountain. I want to reconcile but my husband is deadset on divorce. My H and I have been married 22 years. We had ups and downs in our marriage, but it was characterized by a loyalty and love to each other and God, and our mutual great parenting of our four children. From the outside we were "the perfect family". In a fit of selfishness, loneliness, stupidity, resentment and anger I had an affair. If you told me in March 2013 that I would be having an affair in April, I would have never believed it. Don't ever believe you are not capable of something so terrible, bc that is when you are most vulnerable-in your arrogance! I broke off the affair, and three days later my husband discovered something that forced me to confess. He moved out immediately (July 2013) and has said he could never love/trust me, no respect for me, staying with me would literally kill him with stress, that I divorced him the moment I slept with OM, our kids will be fine and he works with divorced families all the time and kids are fine. I did LOTS of no no's, in fact I did them all:groveling, begging, crying,pleading, I Love Yous, convincing, cell phone record spying, texting, sexting. I want to fix our marriage. I am devastated by my hurtful affair , the effect it has had on my H, how our children have been hurt and changed. At one point I thought long and hard about what we were "good" at as a couple. The number one thing was being parents. Our children are really amazing people. So I told H I wanted to have a fifth child with him, and that child would be OUR MARRIAGE. We would plan, feed and nurture it like we have our children. That it would be a new marriage. He complimented the beauty of the metaphor, but said he was not on board. I love him for who he is, and who he has been to me. Of course I feel guilty bc I am the cause of this, I know he would never have divorced me except for adultery. I think divorcing is just an "easy out" for him to get out the terrible pain he is in, because the affair gives him a biblical justification for divorce. He is completely committed to divorce. He made an appt on SEPT 19th for a mediator which in FL is to reach settlement out of court. (The word "Mediator" is deceiving, it is not about reconciling it is about splitting assets and children peacefully) I am not calling him as much, let his calls go to vm, looking good when I do see him, working on GAL. But I seek advice on any things I can do so the divorce doesn't happen. Thanks.
H:50 Me: 43 S 18,8 D 16,15 Married 1991 H moved out July 2013
Have you read DR? Start there and then after that, I would suggest "The Five Love Languages," and maybe "After the Affair."
So what do you think the problems in your M were? What are the things you didn't like about your role in the M? This is the starting point.
But second to that, I think you have to really dig into the "whys" of the affair. You have to figure that out so you can ensure it doesn't happen again. Your H is right...the trust doesn't come back easy, and the stress of worrying about it can be too much.
My XW was in a similar place as you, and I can tell you, from this side, I'm not looking for any of the old things I used to get. I don't care if she looks good, or talks nice to me, or any of that (I'm not saying you shouldn't do those things, just that they aren't enough for me). She has apologized a few times, but never in a way that I felt like she really understood what she had done, the damage to me, and the idea that she is not who I thought.
I'm looking for a change in the way she thinks. I want to believe she understands how much damage has been done, because only then will I believe she'll understand the effort it will take to repair.
Your H will likely need to make changes too, but you can only control you, so that's what you work on.
A good friend of mine got emotionally attached to a guy and had a "one-night stand". It brought an immediate realization to her what she was doing, and she was BROKEN. She said she remembers lying on the floor on her face.
Her H was very much in love with her, and it still took a year to fully forgive her, so be aware that it isn't a quick fix.
Just a point of reference - the couple are both Christians now and have a great marriage.
Another couple I know - the H left for TWO YEARS and lived with another woman while pushing divorce. She never really fought it, just prayed for him, and after two years he came back. That was 5 years ago, and they are syruppy in love even now...
I think most of the folks here have been cheated on, but still wanted to save their marriage and wanted their wayward spouse back. We probably don't have many folks on this board who got cheated on and wanted to end their marriage as a result.
That said, I was listening to a radio therapist the other night and she said the first step is to make amends -- to apologize very sincerely, and to expect nothing in return and to make no justifying statements. It has to be a totally selfless act. She said that if you do that, you establish a starting line to repairing your relationship.
She said where many people go wrong is that when they apologize, they make excuses or point out the other person's role in the breakdown, and that just makes them more resentful. It has to be a 100% "I was wrong" with no excuses. You may have done that already, but I figured I'd throw it out there as I know I would have appreciated that.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
First time posting. We have been married 22 years and have 4 children. I had an affair for 3 months. My husband discovered the affair. He moved out within 48 hours, which was mid July. He is adamant about getting a divorce. Will not try to try or go to counseling. He is a strong Christian and says that adultery is only valid reason th divorce, and he is taking it. He is extremely hurt. I am sick with what I have done to our family our marriage. He says he forgives me but could never ever trust me again. I want to Create a new marriage for us.Help! Thank you.
Brought over from other thread.
Hopefully we will stick to this one until 100 posts.
I second Accuray's idea and would recommend that you rehearse saying sorry. As your husband is hurt, he may strike out at you verbally, but you must not be goaded by this, or defend yourself, or attack, and so need to be prepared.
It may help to visualize your husband there, or have a picture of him in front of you. Say you are sorry and mean it, nothing else that dilutes or clouds the message.
Good luck.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Of course I have no idea what to do in your situation. BUT, something I read triggered some thoughts..........and maybe i'm way off base here, I ususally am. If your not answering his calls, letting them go to VM, and your looking good when you do see him. What message do you think HE'S taking from that? Myself, I would be thinking heck you cant answer my calls, your spending your time looking good, but is that for me or the OM? I would probably be taking it as your still to busy with OM or a new man even. I don't think that's a way your rebuilding trust with him, he might even be resenting the situation more.
I know its not a typical situation we see here, but acting like your moving on and not always available might be sending the wrong message to him in this case. His calls are maybe his way of testing you and your availability. They might even be confirming his thoughts on the divorce cause he's wondering why your too busy to answer the phone.
I dunno, like I said im probably totally wrong here. In this situation I would probably being going out of my way to BE available. Make sure he knows where and what your doing so he's not wondering if your "out" again. Start building some trust back up, not leave him wondering where you are or even more importantly WHO your with. His mind is always going to think the worst right now, and your helping his mind go to those places.
My advice is probably totally wrong, i'll let the vets chime in. I apologize if i'm wrong again, and maybe there is a better way. I'm just trying to more or less put the shoe on the other foot a minute from your husbands prospective. He feels betrayed, that's an issue you must work on and his feelings about it. Give him his space, and time to think, but being unavailable after an affair might be helping him move along faster.
