Unlearning conflict avoidance 5

[LuckyLuke]

W, who was invited out to lunch by dance teacher on Saturday, and got a bottle of wine into herself, told him that we were moving next year. This, while not unexpected, is the first time that any such public statement has been made. Another variation on BD, I guess.

Luke

[Accuray]

How did you find out? If she told you, I hope you said "well I'm not moving" and didn't just quietly leave.

[LuckyLuke]

No, dance teacher told W told him, during this alcoholic (we hardly drink) lunch.

Luke

[MrBond]

"during this alcoholic (we hardly drink) lunch"

I don't think you understand what this means. She was drinking to get her mind off of things and relax. What have you been doing to change your attitude and actions?

[LuckyLuke]

The dance teacher had just gotten paid by all his students, so had a fat wallet and was feeling in an expansive mood. After the Saturday ballet lesson for the older women (my W included), he invited them all to lunch, on him, at the town's best restaurant. Between the French woman friend, the dance teacher's wife and my W, they let loose and had a few bottles and then pear cognac. The whole thing may just have been my W having her tongue loosened by the unaccustomed alcohol and her women friends nearby, though it should be said that she is pretty steadily working on renovating the place on the weekends.

My changes: recognize when I can be assertive, and then do something. For example, from today: look at my wife during dinner, complain (back) to a colleague about not cleaning up her computer code (which I then had to do; she had complained to me about not cleaning up mine), realize that I can stand where I want to on the sidewalk and not also have to think about impeding others (without being a jerk, of course), look a pretty girl in the eye and smile this afternoon.

Recognize the situation, react. Keep asserting myself in mind.

Daughter's school (an hour away) went to 7 tonight. W gets home shortly before 6 and tells me about this after looking at the schedule. I say I am going to get her and do so. Clean decision and action.

I see T tomorrow.

Luke

[MrBond]

Okay, but you are still being RE-active. You need to be PRO-active. What other new activities or actions can you be doing? You're still overthinking things too much. For a moment, stop thinking of being polite or "civilized". What does the primal side of you want?

[MrBond]

Not that I'm encouraging you to become an alcoholic, but maybe you need a drink every now and then to let your inhibitions go. I think you've forgotten how to do that.

[LuckyLuke]

I'll drink to that (haha).

It'd be fun to horseplay with my wife or daughter.

When I'm frustrated I feel like hitting things sometimes.

No answer yet from any of the 4 new people I wrote to last Monday, so I am down on more writing just now. Besides, they are all on other continents. I am available and visible to them on Skype if they are interested.

Dance teacher and I met for a single edged razor shave today, at a local barber's (who btw used to shave the prime minister here). Dance teacher missed the original time this morning, so was apologetic, and bought me my shave. I bought him a coffee after.

I leave for the US in a week. Will see my parents in Boston for 4 days during that time. Have also become active in my (also Boston) alma mater's alumni activities and get to interview and advise prospective applicants over here. This should be interesting.

Perhaps put out a "the guys are meeting at XYZ" this weekend email? I like Adinva's idea of organizing hikes - perhaps something in that direction. There are 5-6 of us this would go to.

Let me think some more about the pro-active stuff.

Thanks,

Luke

[MrBond]

"It'd be fun to horseplay with my wife or daughter."

So why don't you do that? Start with your D first.

"When I'm frustrated I feel like hitting things sometimes."

So do it. Go out and get a punching bag and let loose. You have to let that side of you out every now and then.

"Perhaps put out a "the guys are meeting at XYZ" this weekend email? I like Adinva's idea of organizing hikes - perhaps something in that direction. There are 5-6 of us this would go to."

So do it. You went to Boston and you don't drink? That's a first. Just kidding. What did you like to do before in Boston? Surely you weren't so prim and proper back then. Start doing and stop thinking.

"Let me think some more about the pro-active stuff. "

Good.

[LuckyLuke]

Hola Mr. Bond,

In Boston? We had adventures - winter hiking and camping, biking in Iceland, hiking, cooking together. I weightlifted. We had romance: my wife covered my bed in roses one day. We had a crate of open Lindt chocolates under our bed for the lazy, lay in bed mornings, my then girlfriend (now W) coming late to work.

And sex, drugs and rock'n'roll, though not necessarily in that order, too.

Have put up the pictures (which I like) which W gave me. Will make up my son's bed, with my wife at home to increase the assertiveness challenge, which is currently stripped, and sleep up there before I leave. Why should I be isolated downstairs when I do not like it? Doing nothing and just accepting things as they are is not good.

* * *

Just saw T - very interesting: she said to be more concrete about a guys' get together - say when and where instead of just asking a vague ''would you be interested?' question. Also, as I work alone, without much human contact for most of my days, and then do not do anything at night, she proposed that I start a lunch club for guys who work alone here in town. Her challenge (and we meet in a month again to see how it is going) is to have contacted guys I know about this and put concrete plans together. She knows a bunch of guys who she thinks would like this, and will do her part also, spreading this by word of mouth.

Thanks,

Luke