BD One Year Later

[hopefulinga]

I think whenever progress is made, and it is progress, it is never too late.

I appreciate that Ruby, and it made me think. If H were truly done, he would have told me to go to h3ll. Not that he might not after Tuesday, but he is putting in the effort.

Tomorrow is our first Friday review of the finances. We are meeting at my office, which should be neutral territory. I told him that he is welcome to look at my firm finances while he is there.

Since we had our discussion, he's coming home a little bit earlier, not quite dinner time, but close. I haven't tried to contact him at all during the past 2 days.

Today he called me to let me know that he was riding with friends, so I shouldn't plan on him for dinner. I told him I appreciated that he let me know. He also told me he was going to a mini HS reunion type thing that they do once a month tomorrow. And he gave me his dates for his ride to TN.

I have an appointment with a lending counselor before we meet with our accountant on Tuesday. So, Tuesday is a pretty big day for me. I'm going into the accountant meeting with no expectations.

Even if we can find answers to the financial problems, there are other areas of the M that need help. However, getting through this would take off a lot of stress. I know it won't happen with 1 meeting.

H's friend and I have cooled it down quite a bit. I got really busy preparing for a trial last week and couldn't really talk to him. That started the cool down. I found out he is in an R, actually just got M, but she is in another country with no Visa. He knows I am not done with H. I think I'm over the enticement of the possibility of his being interested in me. We are going to try to get a beer as friends this weekend.

[hopefulinga]

H and I sat down today and the meeting went well under the circumstances. He outlined what financial information he wanted me to show him so that we have a starting point, which I agreed to provide. So, a little bit of progress. Again, I have no expectations of any outcomes, but it does get us communicating.

[labug]

He's MARRIED! Put the brakes on, girl.

[Breakdown]

H's friend and I have cooled it down quite a bit. I got really busy preparing for a trial last week and couldn't really talk to him. That started the cool down. I found out he is in an R, actually just got M, but she is in another country with no Visa. He knows I am not done with H. I think I'm over the enticement of the possibility of his being interested in me. We are going to try to get a beer as friends this weekend.

I think this is a personal decision, but I seriously doubt this stays "friends." Been there, done that. And he's just recently married? Does anyone else here that loud siren noise?

[hopefulinga]

Ok everyone, calm down. I'm not looking for any other man right now. And I'm not looking to be anyone's OW. My focus right now is on seeing if H and I can come to any agreements, and if not, moving on with my life, which I may do anyway.

I am not emotionally detached from H, which is going to prevent me from getting too far with anyone else right now. I have a very guilty feeling soul.

[subguy]

(((hopeful)))

[hopefulinga]

I met with the loan originator this am and H and I met with our accountant as well. We outlined a plan to try to get out of debt. The accountant told us that we needed to change the lifestyle, so now the test is if H can follow through with that.

I brought my budget and H once again said that his business doesn't allow him to be on a budget. The accountant told him that after all of this was paid off, that the lifestyle needed to change or we would be right back to where we were.

H made a few hints about the money missing from the savings account, but now he's doubled the amount that was in there. Whatever. I've offered to go through all of the finances to show him exactly where things went.

He doesn't seem to understand that the more credit card payments from his business, the less income he makes and the more money comes from savings to cover expenses.

I've decided that the finances is my line in the sand. I've busted my butt since BD to get my finances in order. I haven't been out of town in over 2 years, haven't seen my dad in about 3, and I can go on. I can no longer do this and watch H travel all over the place by himself, because at the end of the day, my salary is covering that.

I've decided I will no longer live off the clearance rack when I know I earn enough money not to. So, we'll see how the next few weeks play out with the plan.

[hopefulinga]

Big day for me today - I signed the loan paperwork. I need to provide a few more pieces of information regarding D's disability before they send the paperwork to underwriting. I think I will qualify for more than I thought I would, which made me happy.

I sent H an email and told him that I signed the documents and stood by what I told him last week, but that I needed to keep moving forward. I also told him that I appreciated that he was opening up to me a little bit more and that it helped me to understand where he is.

I then left to go to a conference for work that I will be at until Friday. I've met a few people that can help me with my new state work. I am finishing an online certificate that I need to teach, so my nights are full while I am here, which mean not much time for loneliness.

I've also thought about other boundaries for me with regard to H. I am trying to keep a PMA, but I realistically don't think he is capable of giving me the respect that I deserve and treating me the way I should be. I don't think I will ever be #1 again in his book, and I've felt that way for a while. The desire to feed his ego is too great. I wish I was wrong, but after 18 years, I feel like it will take a bolt of lightning.

I almost feel a little bit numb tonight. The fact that I am closer to freedom is giving me mixed emotions.

[JuneReN]

Wow!! You can do this

Scary and exhilarating all at the same time, huh?

When all the obstacles are taken out of the way, the path is clear, but I believe it is human nature to toss more in the way.

You have such a gift right now to be able to see down the path very very clearly. It won't last long, so make the best of it

Love you!

[hopefulinga]

Thanks, Ruby. It is scary and exciting, and I also have mixed emotions on my M. Part of my, as noted above, knows that H will never change. And part of me still holds out hope that he will. Every so often, I see him peek out and check the temperature.

He has still made no effort on the D. A few weeks ago he was bitching to our mutual friend about me and the guy told him to quit bitching and file if that's what he wanted. He said that shuts H up. If I didn't force the accountant issue, then H would sit and wallow in the debt and do nothing.

He did open up to me a few days ago and told me he has PTSD. I will not go into why, but this is the first time he's told me this. He also told me he has nightmares that wake him up at least 2x per month. H does not believe in counseling, so I don't know what else can be done there.

I go back home this afternoon. I've got a list of homes to drive by and sent my realtor a list that I would like to visit. I haven't slept very well in the hotel bed, so I am looking forward to my own bed.