Thanks GM. I went upstairs to read for a while now in response to your post. W prowled around house. After reading, I offered to make waffles. No to that. 'What sounds good?'. W: 'nothing, nothing,' annoyed.
L
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Breakfast, wished for by daughter, made by W, was apple turnovers, eaten together. W hardly looked at me.
One interesting twist to all this is that the cellar here could be lived in, with its small separate apartment (this is great for visitors). We could sell the house, or maybe my W just her half, and I could stay in the cellar. Another family could stay in the two upper stories, of which I could still own half.
Out to pick apples now.
L
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
"came home at 22.15, stayed outside an hour to build up my courage by rereading your posts and mentally rehearsing, came in quietly and went upstairs. W had taken my bed stuff downstairs again, so I just laid on the bed, clothes on, heart slamming, but no reaction from W."
I have you once before what is the worst she could do. I was thinking maybe chase you with a butch knife and threaten to kill you. You said she glares at you. As far as I know, glares have never killled anyone yet.
I thought you had resolved to turn your home life around by acting like the man of the house. Now you are actually asking why you HAVE A RIGHT TO BE UPSTAIRS IN YOUR OWN HOME! My gosh, Luke, why don't you just move outside and get a dog house to sleep in? B/c it won't be much longer that you will be asking what right you have to step inside your house. That is the most outlandish statement I have ever heard a man say!
The M is over, but you need to think about what this is teaching your daughter. She will think, "My dad is pathetic and I will make sure I find a man with some guts.". Then she will end up with some terrible person who treats her badly b/c she mistakes it for manliness. Your children have not had a role model of what the man of the family/marriage/home should be. They have seen you coward down and hide in closets to avoid their mother's disapproval. Their mother has been the man in their life. I hate to think how that will affect their future relationships with the opposite sex.
I hope you will begin making decisions about your house, instead of leaving it up to her. She didn't even discuss it with you. You heard the news of her plans through another person. People give their pets more consideration than that!
Find a good lawyer to make sure you get visitation rights to your daughter, and don't let W dictate that part of your life or you will not see her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks, though your post really upset me. I have never been good at conflict - as can be seen here - but am learning, I think, to be better at it. I feel like I am slowly realizing that I don't need to be afraid, as there is nothing to lose anymore.
My W had told me about her plans maybe a year ago - see my signature block - but this was the first time an external person heard this, making it public and more real.
I am/was not good at understanding/feeling my own worth. My T once asked me what I am worth, and I could not answer straight away. The "what gives me the right to be upstairs?" question was in the same vein. I need to FEEL the right.
I feel terrible about my daughter, whom I love endlessly much. What can I do to fix the bad things she has experienced? I want only the very best for her. I would be ripped apart by not being able to see her.
Decisions about my house will need to be against the background of my W wanting to sell. I can't afford to buy her out directly, I don't think, but as I mentioned earlier, there is a complete small apartment in the basement that I could live in, and so not lose it completely. I could also imagine a family living in the upper two floors (there are three in total), having bought my W's half, and then buying back my W's half, with me in the basement.
The thought of losing all the memories in this house and the kids' childhoods hurts. I don't want this to hurt the kids.
I guess all this is a lesson in becoming a man and learning courage. Unfortunately it appears losing my marriage was the price.
I can email a lawyer I worked with before about visitation stuff. Luckily D and related issues are a lot more straightforward in Sweden.
One important issue is that W did not want formal papers for a divorce, at least a few years ago ("this can just be an agreement between us"). This has the large disadvantage that my W would then still have rights to whatever social security payments I make, which I do not want. On the other hand, making it official, on paper, seems like the slamming of the door on our M, never to be opened again.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Why? She's perfectly right you know. You're afraid of your W. Allow her to walk all over you and yet rather than getting upset at her, you get upset at the members on this board.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Okay, I slept upstairs last night, without any further blowback from W. What is the next challenge? If I am going to lose my W, how can I become a better person, learn something, get stronger, in doing so? I owe my daughter this.
How to be pro-active toward W?
Again, I am very thankful to you all,
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
This sheet music was on the piano this morning, in the original German (and my daughter cannot read German, but my W and I can):
With love I am embraced, My sweetheart; my desire is for you, 'd always be with you. Can I purchase your favor, I intermeshing of great distress; or else I will die rather and wishes myself to death.
(Mit Lieb bin ich umfangen is the German title).
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
