Husband wants divorce, after my affair revealed,

[cat04]

My only gripe was blaming the husband, since as you can imagine that is a sensitive issue...

We are all guilty of some amount of blaming others in our marriages and lives, and the challenge is to stop this and take responsibility for our lives.

I hate to do this on someone's thread and Flo, I want to apologize upfront.

However, SM, I have to wonder if you have been working on your listening skills at all...

If you a husband works a lot, rather than the wife focusing on how he must not want to spend time with her, why not focus on the fact that maybe he loves her SO MUCH that he wants to give her the good things....

Ultimately, it would be great to look at working a lot as being an expression of love. Some people will feel that, others will not. I inferred from Flo's post about it, that she felt it was her H avoiding her.

That is why I dont believe in the argument that a not so perfect spouse can drive their spouse into the arms of someone else. To me that is a flaw in the internal reasoning that is driving that poor decision. And it is the duty of any ex cheater to explore this before they attempt to reconcile. A spouse, however imperfect, does not deserve the pain that your 'needs' brought on, and if you love them you will NEVER put them through it again. It is a soul wrecker!

While it would be wonderful to place all of the blame on the person who has an A, it isn't realistic.

Because two different people, can and usually do have to different experiences of the same situation.

Honestly, a not so perfect spouse actually can end up setting the stage for an A by their partner.

How you may ask?

Here is an example...

A woman is in a relationship with a wonderful man. A man who has needs and desires. Needs that include clear communication from her, admiration and appreciation from me, sexual needs...

Just as she has needs, that include most of the same things...

Due to crazy schedules, time together is limited. She is tired when he is awake. There is always tomorrow to talk, to say thankyou, to give the note or the gift, to make love. Tomorrow turns into another tomorrow and another, and then next week and next month.

He is lonely, she is lonely. They have both tried to make time, time to just talk even, and that talk is mundane and business like after a while.

She wants to tell him about this joke that she heard, and he is watching football. He wants to wake her when he comes home, and she grunts and rolls over... He tries to make love and she tells him, "I'm making dinner" or something else that says "you are not as important as what I am doing right now."

After a while, they are living, essentially, as roommates...

Enter a person of the opposite sex(generally speaking), who is awake when you are. Who hears your funny joke and laughs. Who smiles when you walk into the room. Who calls you to tell you something they thought of. Who says, "Wow, I love your new haircut..."

And the stage is set...

Regarless of whether it is the man or the woman who finds themselves in an A.

It really can be that simple. There is not always forethought that goes into it.

This is the impression I get from Flo's situation.

I don't believe she set out to have a fling with the pool boy because she was bored or wanted out of her M.

Maybe I am way off, only Flo knows that...

[cbtdad]

Flo, don't want to completely mind read your husband, but from my experience he doesn't want this to end. He would not hug you, say I love you, etc
He is just very hurt and angry. The opposite of love is indifference. If he's angry he cares. There is a very thin line between love and hate. I was told by a wise person that it was a good sign that W was showing so much emotion even after she filed for divorce. When someone truly stops caring there is no emotion either way.
My W affair was a little different. I didn't consider it an affair at first. She told she filed for D on 12/12/12. She went out of town where OM lived at end of January. I had my suspicions then but didn't get actual proof till the end of march.
At that time I viewed as we were separated and that she had asked to end it. So in the eyes of the church and state, yes an affair. In my eyes it was not.
She had lied to me for 3 months and that had the same effect as affair.
It wasnt till we decided to work on reconciliation that she decided to come clean.
She basically was in an EA for 3 months and it became physical at a horse show the week before he filed for D. But like she said, she was long gone before that.
I was gone as well. I left my W in a vulnerable place and some guy got her attention. That's my part. I did a lot wrong for a year leading up to that. I own that. She owns the A now. That's what must happen and then hopefully y'all can work on a whole new marriage.
I was warm with wife one minute and cold the next. Your husband is on an emotional roller coaster right now. He is also trying to make you see that he is desirable by talkin to other woman. He is building his self esteem back as well.

[Flo]

Re my husband working alot to buy nice things-doesn't apply. My H is a salaried employee, so his long hours weren't buying us new cars or whatever. He would have made same $ if he was great or mediocre at his job. But he is a very successful, highly educated man-he would never just clock in (I wouldn't find that very attractive either!) But balance would have been nice. He worked hard bc he loved his work, and felt needed and successful there. That was a big point for him-he goes where he is successful, and he could never be successful with me so he just worked more. He has 75 people a day who tell him he is fabulous at work, so coming home to my anger at 1030PM wasn't positive for him. He feels his work is his mission from God, and when I asked him to change his work or hours, he felt that was too much to ask (I started asking in 2006). That he shouldn't sacrifice something he loves and is good at, when I might still be unhappy with him anyway after that. But this all BEFORE MY AFFAIR, so it is kind of pointless to rehash. Yeah, I wasn't getting my needs met. I was lonely and needed my husband to nest with me. But the affair trumps all that. And after the bomb dropped, and my H moved out and said he was done with me, I saw the OM a few times. Now I realize H was testing me, to see if I really wanted to reconcile. So he thinks I am "unrepentant". I had no contact w OM, and then H made me call him (long story) in front of my H. That was not helpful to my personal recovery or any hope of marriage recovery (another example of a time I should have told my H "no", and didn't. It would be better to stand up for myself in the beginning than seemingly comply and sneak behind his back out of hostility)
So in line with what DB Coach told me about seeing what works, and doing 180's, I am working on empathy and documenting what happens to see patterns.

[cat04]

Flo,

I disagree that it is pointless to rehash.

Understanding our actions allows us to also understand what other choices might have been made.

It is what led to your A and it is an issue that you will continue to deal with if you reconcile your M.

Did you have an exit plan prior to your A? (Sorry for my bluntness...)

I am not trying to get you to bash your H, simply to understand the dynamic that led you to the choices you made.

You say your H doesn't see you as repeantant. Which is completly understandable.

Having been on both sides of this fence, I know that simply apologizing, isn't enough.

It is something that takes time, actions, understanding and patience.

Reread Sandi2's post to you.

And work on implementing the DB coach's advice. It sounds like a productive session.

[Flo]

No exit plan prior to A, never thought of having an A or leaving. I re read Sandi2,
and the part about proving myself rang true.
Also cbtdad can't find your thread on piecing.....
To SM34, my Dad cheated on my Mom after she had lived out of state for 3 years for her career. And I am focused not on re-hashing past, bc that gets me focused on how hurt and neglected I was. I am focusing on how I can be a better person now, and have empathy for my H. Thanks for input everyone, a lot!

[cbtdad]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=34&page=1

It's on that forum Flo.

Not sure how your H is on this, but if y'all get to reconciling and working on things I can tell you from my experience that I can't just let it go and not rehash it.
The W is very very good at that. She can completely move on and put it in the past. She says nothing positive can come from discussing what has happened in the past. As our MC told her that's not healthy. Rather you lock it up or not he feelings remain and the will show their ugly head at some point if not resolved.
However, my wife brought up in therapy last week that she doesn't like discussing it because I hold things over her head. I am working for hard on that. So I can understand where you are coming from on that

[sandi2]

So how would I not be in that situation again?
1)The pain on my h and children's face will never get out of my brain
2)I would articulate my needs specifically: get home and talk to me for 1 hour, no phone, no kids, no dog, no chores several times a week; stand up to him on his rules and such; fill my heart with scripture for when people disappoint me; recognize that delayed gratification is something I am capable of.
3)Not hide from God.

These all are good. I want to encourage you to find some way to fill your needs, as best that you can, without depending on your H to do it. It's hard, b/c there are certain needs that only the H should meet. If he doesn't see where he fails to at least "try", then we are left feeling so terribly empty and lonely. It is like starving our souls for years and years! It's not that we plan on having an A, but it's usually b/c we are weak and vulnerable due to many years of emotional starvation. When I read that a woman has been M for over 20 yrs and then has an A, I have to think it wasn't b/c she is a harlot. I know it happens with some b/c of other issues in the MR, but usually it is about needs. As I said, the H should meet some of those needs, but you won't be able to "depend" on him to make you happy. I know when I got M, I thought my H was suppose to make me happy. Man, was I in for a rude awakening!

One of the many mistakes I made along the way, was believing I would never cheat. I was not the "type"....as some say. I was a good, proper, Christian wife....yada, yada. This was a mistake b/c every person needs to realize that all humans are capable of succumbing to temptation. When we think we are above such things as "affairs", that leaves us wide open. Trouble walks in and we are not prepared. I knew all the "Thou shalt do or not do" and I thought it was enough. I was devoted in my faith, etc., but I began playing games over the Internet, and at first if any man started flirting I would discontinue. It's a long story, but one day a man began a "nice" friendly conversation....and it soon led to ego food rest is not so pretty. I was ignorant of how this can so easily happen if you are not prepared to protect the MR from what seems to be just friendly chats. As you may research, we need to "affair proof" our M.

Your H is threatening D. Both your lives have been shaken. I'm sure you are feeling very badly and don't want to lose him. Him saying he wanted a D intensifies you wanting to cling to him tightly. If you live on his income, then your security may be in jeopardy. You are wondering if you will be alone, and an assortment of other things bombard your mind. Some LBS's may want to respond by saying you should have thought about that before the A. Most of them won't say those things like that, and they will try to help you and even seek your view point from the other side of the fence.

You have admitted your fault. It sounds like you take responsibility for your part of the M breakdown. You are trying to find out how to deal with the fallout. I was very angry and resentful toward my H b/c he said he had done nothing wrong....and yet I saw decades of neglect. You are correct, they do see an A trumping everything they may have done over the years. I have even seen it said several times here on the board that no H deserved to be cheated on.....regardless of his treatment to the W. I don't think they literally meant any or all types of bad treatment, but it was spoken out of deep pain and anger.

It took a long time for me to deal with my resentment and anger toward my "self-righteous" (IMO then) H. He would not agree to go to MC or see any professional for help. Yet, he said he wanted to see me put a 100% effort into making the M work. I felt that I was the one who had always been the one putting in the effort, while he just reaped the benefits. So, without any professional/outside help, and with me coming to the board every single day, my M was saved. I give a lot of credit to the board members who were here at that time.

I had to practically be spoon fed until I could find the strength to break it off with the OM. I did not realize the addicting pull an EA had! I was in such a mess, but I finally got through it. But I had to discipline myself and get informative on the subject of how A's work on women. I had to read about what not to do....that had helped me cross over into that dangerous zone. It would be easy to return to the OM, and you have to be proactive in making sure it doesn't happen with another man in a second A.

If a WAW works with her affair partner, she needs to find another location to work. Wherever there was a chance to see him (school, church, stores, favorite eating places, local events, etc.), she needs to stop attending those places. Of course, if he is a local person, there is always a "chance" of accidentally being at the same event, but you try extremely hard to prevent it. I can tell you more about this, if you need me to. Have you ended the A and made the OM know without any doubt that it is over? Is the OM still trying to contact you?

[Flo]

Update:
Having to remind myself 180s and such are for me, not to win him back.
I had one meeting with H to discuss terms of settlement, and I was "so good" . I listened and while I was very emotional, I was not angry. I asked him for his side of story. It was bleak, but I didn't defend or argue. I was proud of myself. For being compassionate to us both. We met again tonight, and I was "so bad". I was angry, jealous and mean. I am so mad at myself! He is so done with me. I have failed at the one thing that really matters, my family. He told me he is hurrying bc he wants to date. I still don't understand how he hasn't had one day since he found out 60 days ago where he said I will try. He said if I love him I will prove it by giving him a divorce easily so he can move on. Today is appt w attorney for mediation of agreement.

[Flo]

The sorrow for what I have to us is devastating. He is so done with me. He will never love me again. I killed his love and I ruined my precious family.

[MyNewStrength]

Flo, while our stories are a little different, we are feeling same thing and it seems like you are feeling a little hopeless. I know that feeling VERY well. I have been feeling it since the day my H said he wanted a D and he is passing GO and not stopping.

But with all of the responses and questions posed by the folks who have been at this for some time on DB, I didn't realize until my H "woke me up" with a threat of a protective order.

We all backslide at times. So don't be too hard on yourself. I know you want him to return to the M. But like you said (and I am really just beginning to take this advice), doing the 180 is for you and not him. Be patient with yourself and with your H.

The sorrow you feel is totally understandable and I now how heartbreaking it is. I mean I am relatively an amateur on advice, but I wanted you to know that I hear you and feel what you feel at times. "Patience is a virtue"..at least that's what they say..