Unlearning conflict avoidance 6

[LuckyLuke]

Just to clarify, please, Wonka, "work with her on D" means that I sign the papers?

[Wonka]

Just to clarify, please, Wonka, "work with her on D" means that I sign the papers?

1) After that line to W about not wanting D, but would work with her on D. Then you sit back and wait for W to send the paperwork to you.

2) When you do receive the paperwork, go to someplace alone and look it over. Does it talk about division of assets, separation, child custody issues, joint bills, etc? If yes, then it would be best to retain a L who can assist you with these complex issues. Don't negotiate with W alone. Let your L handle these stuff and he/she will have your best financial interests in the process.

Another scenario to keep tucked in the back of your mind.

If your W has not yet filed D paperwork and is pushing you to do the paperwork, tell her:

W, remember we talked about this before. I am waiting for you to send me the paperwork. How's that going for you?

[LuckyLuke]

I can see that resisting her wish to D makes her push harder, that D seems like it will take away the pain she must have.

I can buy time, maybe, by saying I will deal with any D stuff when I am back from the States. She could, if she wanted, get the paperwork assembled while I am in the US, and give me a "welcome home, honey" present on my return.

Does it make sense to say "let's deal with this stuff when I am back, first"?

Thanks,

L

[JayMan]

LL - I finally told W to send me the paperwork, I'd sign it, and I'd move on. We were converting it from a divorce to a dissolution. I kept asking her to let me know, kept getting back from her that the attorney was busy, etc, etc. It's a VERY simple procedure, should've taken a couple of days, and it's been almost two weeks.

When I told her I was "done and ready to sign", she then asked me to give her more time to think about things, and so on.

I can't guarantee that agreeing with her on the D is the right thing for YOU, but I know that many WAS use the D as a weapon because they know it's what you fear. I think I'd absolutely say, "Hey, let's wait until I get back - I'm going to be flying, jetlagged, etc, and I want to make sure I can focus on it." If she pushes it, firmly say, "No, I am not going to take it lightly, and I won't deal with it until I return."

Just my two cents...

[LuckyLuke]

A more careful reading of Wikipedia on Swedish divorce law shows that we would have 6 months reconsideration before D becomes final, as our daughter is younger than 16. If no children are younger than 16, divorce can be immediate.

So we would presumably still live in the same house, divorced, until at least June next year, for reasons mentioned earlier.

Our mortgage comes due to be renewed just after my return from the US. Interest rates are low, around 3%. I'd like to lock into another 2-3 year fixed rate. This would give me a good scenario if I stay on as a part owner. If you make no choice, then it automatically changes to a 3 month adjustable rate. Any advice on this?

Tx,

L

[LuckyLuke]

Hi Wonka, hello JonF - thank you for the advice. I know a lawyer that I like, so that should be easy to set up. The tone of "I am not going to take this lightly" is great.

Your responses are also a chance for me to be firm with W and set the schedule, instead of letting her steer the boat (a la Costa Concordia).

Most obliged -

L

[LuckyLuke]

The funny thing is, I know she loves the house and garden here, loves to be outside and work there. On the other hand, her actions indicate wanting to move on (she ordered extra used silver cutlery, for example, and all the silver is now organized by type and tied together with thread), and renovates instead of doing fun things or relaxing. She doesn't like to eat the food I make (though she did before), and says she can't stand being in the same room as me. A visceral dislike.

One thing I'd like to do, if this does come to pass, is to understand how to do better next time and not have it happen again. It is probably not a good idea any time in the next year, but I would like her input on what was wrong, and what broke the camel's back.

A major deal is also the kids and what to tell them, if/when it becomes necessary. I tried and I know W did also, each in our own way, to fix things. My daughter, especially, deserves to not be scarred by this. I think it is fair to say that my feelings for her (daughter) and her protection are at least as strong as those about my W.

Luke

[MrBond]

Okay, here is my take. Now it may not be the same as everyone else's so you can take it with a grain of salt.

The only thing you haven't done in your sitch is to get angry with your W. She has told you from day one that she wanted you to challenge her. You're still giving in and in her eyes, that makes you a wimp. No woman wants someone they can keep walking all over.

CAse in point...

"BD again. W says it is too late. She plans to sell the house, separate and move in spring. Says our ways are parting.Asks that I not sleep upstairs as she can't sleep and can't stand having me nearby. I said I would think about it, that I understood."

Why on earth would you say that you "understood"? She contribute to the problem as much as you did by emasculating you the way she did. At that moment you should have fired back and said. "What makes you think me sleeping up here has anything to do with wanting to be with an ice queen like you?" All while looking her dead in the eye. And then move on to tell her that you were being polite in letting her have her way all these years, but that enough was enough. That she will NOT continue to talk to you in that manner and that it is your home. And that if she does not like it, she is more than welcome to pack up and leave.

So when she says stuff like this...
"Says she thinks D and new lives would be better for both of us."

Stop agreeing with her!

"She says you've known 10 years, I say, yes, but it is still a shock."

No you tell her that you did not know for 10 years. You reverse it and tell her that all you knew was that for the past 10 years she's been nothing but an insufferable nag for whom nothing you did was good enough for. And that if she even gave it one ounce of effort, your relationship would have been so much better.

Plus tell her that you do not appreciate her telling everyone your business before even you find out about it.

Let it all out. After all, what's she going to do...divorce you? Sorry that's already happening. You have nothing to lose at this point.

I would say assert your manhood already and in a drastic way. It's time to stop wondering if what you're going to do is going to elicit a negative reaction from her. That ship has long sailed away.

Start asserting yourself and see what happens. Just my 2 cents.

[LuckyLuke]

Thanks, Mr. Bond.

Mr. Bond has proposed an alternative path. Anyone else out there - what do you think? Confront or go with the paperwork flow?

It would feel good to let it all out.

Luke

[MrBond]

Let's face it you haven't done this and it is something that she's been telling you she wants you to do. I don't know what's been holding you back. Think Tony Soprano. Be large and in charge.