Bringing this over from your old thread, Luke. _______________________________________
There is no let-up:
W is pushing it again, just asked me if I had had a chance to think about weekend's BD. Says she thinks D and new lives would be better for both of us. I said she may well be right, but that this was still a shock. She says you've known 10 years, I say, yes, but it is still a shock.
She explains that we should do paperwork now, as there is a 6 month waiting period, given that our daughter is still 15. After 16, there is no waiting period. I said I needed to think.
What to do? I leave for US in 36 hours. Filing here (Sweden) starts a clock ticking, as I understand it, D is final after a year:
A legal separation period is not a preliminary requirement under Swedish law. However, both parties will go through a reconsideration period under two scenarios: firstly, if both parties request for a reconsideration period. Secondly, they have a child below the age of 16.[20]
If one spouse does not consent to the divorce, a reconsideration of 6 months will follow before the divorce.
Please see the end of Unlearning Conflict Avoidance 5, where recent developments are reported.
All this was said clearly by her, without a shaking, emotional voice. We've had 10 years of no contact, so perhaps this is rational speech and the usual "disregard most of what they say" advice no longer applies.
Signing D papers makes things painfully final and concrete. Do I fight or give in?
One small silver lining to a divorce before the summer is that any bonus I get is later in the year, so she gets no part of that. I'd give her the bonus if it fixed things.
L
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Bringing this second post from your old thread, Luke. __________________________________________
Wonka, Mr. Bond,
There is no hurry to file in one way, as we likely should have the house until the end of the school year (just a lot less hassle for everyone). I also do not think she can finish all the renovation in 6 months. I always have the option of not consenting to the divorce, and thereby get 6 months more. She wants to file however, that is clear, and mentioned that she didn't need me to agree.
Talk about repeated blows to the gut.
Mr. Bond: T and I discussed setting up a lunch club for men, which I am doing. First date is Oct. 17. I also saw my French guy friend this past Saturday, for drumming to the sunset and dinner. That front is advancing at least.
Wonka: the funny thing is that I am often good with people - I smiled at a woman with a nice dog today, she smiled back, and then also at the supermarket, getting a nice gaze back from the cashier. I walk tall, generally (being tall helps). So yes, I can do that.
* * *
Not sure any of this will make a difference in the slide toward D, but at least I can be happier.
* * *
What attitude to take toward W? Do I help her out in this, make the D mutual (by also signing the paperwork), help out renovating? I don't want an enemy later, as I imagine we will still need to communicate sometimes. Do I embrace the D or fight it? I treated her in a confident manner during this latest round.
What a lousy way to have my world messed with, a marvelous send-off present for Wednesday's long trip to the States.
I still think my W is beautiful and smart and sexy and my physical type, but boy, is she difficult to live with. I am changing for the better, more toward her type, but it is quite probably too late (she said so).
Do I start internet dating (the EE folks have helped me prepare a profile) or go see an old (divorced) girlfriend in Denmark or contact a woman I met on the plane this summer? If this is to the final act, how shall it be played?
First things first as you're throwing up a bunch of questions that have no relation to each other.
1) Tell your W that since you are leaving for the US in a few hours, when you get back to Sweden, you'll tell W that you will work with her on D. Until you get back from the States, there will be no discussions on D. This way, you will protect yourself from confusing double-talk from W in the next 36 hours. And what's a few more days in the grand scheme of 10 years?
Do I start internet dating (the EE folks have helped me prepare a profile) or go see an old (divorced) girlfriend in Denmark or contact a woman I met on the plane this summer? If this is to the final act, how shall it be played?
My dear Luke...you're getting ahead of yourself. This wouldn't be a good time to start these activities when you are leaving for the States and still dealing with W etc. This is external noise you do not need to add on top of what you're dealing with now. Focus on you for the time being.
I walk tall, generally (being tall helps). So yes, I can do that.
Then start doing that inside your OWN castle in front of W and kids. Do this every day. You're the master of your own domain.
Thanks for your scheme re D and being in the US. Yes, it would be much better to not have to deal with this while on a trip. I will tell my W this.
I don't think it makes sense to get D before the summer in any case, as we can't move until son is back from college, daughter has finished her term, and W hers (she teaches), etc. I will plant tulips secretly, again, in any case, something I have done for the past few years, so we can at least enjoy those.
I don't want to do this dating thing. W "helpfully" suggested that I do this. It was more a question of principle...
What do you think of the idea of taking the apartment in the basement? Is hanging on to the old house a good idea, or is it better to make a clean break? I do love the view and garden and location.
Perhaps having a clause that keeps me in the basement will make it harder to sell the house, but it is a very fine property, and I am not a troublesome tenant, I think. This way W could sell her half in any case, and I could either sell or keep mine; either way someone else could live in the upper two floors.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
I want to leave you with something to think about before your trip.
Another gem from these boards is from Ellie (aka KML). She speaks of using aikido, quote below from her in another thread:
"In Aikido, you use the force of the attacker himself to throw him off balance, by yielding and turning (or some such)."
In your case, Luke, you would want to use emotional aikido with W. When she's pushing hard for D, remove the resistance against D and work with her. It does not mean that YOU do all the leg work in D. Instead, tell W to send you the paperwork to get it started. The onus is on W to take care of D paperwork since she is the one who wants one.
You can tell W that D is not what you want, but you'd look at the paperwork when she sends it to you.
The only option I have for the papers is to sign or not. If I do not, then we get this 6 month reconsideration period, I think. It would also change the narrative (though this may well not be a good idea): W divorced me, not we each other.
W seems to want D immediately after daughter becomes 16.
Do differently? Do my very best, with help from my friends here, whom I would tell about the situation, to be a real man. Work on me and increasing my happiness. Protect my soul better from the pain. If it gives me a year total (not sure it does), then maybe get to enjoy another summer and harvest season in this beautiful spot.
L
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
