Husband wants divorce, after my affair revealed,

[SM34]

Cat, where is the part where you challenge Flo to discover her own faults?

She has an affair, and her task is to figure out whats wrong with her husband?

You did not have an affair because of your husbands faults. The first step in healing your marriage is finding and fixing the fault within yourself that led you to believe an affair was the answer to your problems.

Your husband is responsible for 50% of the breakdown of your marriage. The affair is 100% yours to own! Dont get carried away blaming your husband because it could have been the other way around and you would never agree that it was your fault your husband allowed another woman into his bed.

Sometimes too much of the advice is aimed at finding which 'needs' were not being met. That may be the reason your were unhappy in your marriage or maybe not. A lot of times the unhappy spouse has an unreasonable expectation of what marriage brings and unrealistically feels marriage ahould MAKE them happy. In reality it is not your husbands job to make you happy, it is his and your job to SHARE the happiness in each others lives.

Find the source of your unhappiness. dig deep. If yoy are here trying to save your marriage, chances are your gut tells you the problem is not your husband.

[sandi2]

Hi, I just wanted to welcome you to the board. You mentioned the 37 things, and I wanted to explain that you will need to see yourself from a different position from that of a usual LBS who comes seeking a way to save the M.

Having an A makes you the wayward spouse (I know, I hate that term) and in a sense it put you in a WAW mode. So, even though he has actually left you physically, you had left him in your heart. Therefore, there will be some things on that Do and Don"t Do list that may need to be adjusted to your situation.

Giving him space and time and not chasing him does apply. He is hurt and his male ego has taken a beating. As with a lot of LBH'S, he almost has a little self-righteousness. This is the hard part for you. You know it took both of you to break down the M, but all he sees right now is you cheated on him.

Threatening a quick D is a common response for men. Don't panic over it. You can't do much to stop him, if he pursues it. But you can focus on yourself and what you need to do to get through this ordeal.

One thing that is different for you is that you will have to prove yourself to him. You don't do it by being his doormat or whipping post. You answer any questions he may ask.....as long as both of you can remain calm and he won't use your answer to punish you in the future. If he is the type to hold this over your head from now on, you will need to think carefully about a future together. He may not be able to forgive. Forgiveness is one thing......and living the forgiveness is another.

You will need to use grace, poise, class, self-respect, and truthfulness during the days to come. You may not feel those traits, but you need to use them. But the first thing you need to do is figure out, as best you can, why the A happened......what you can do to prevent it happening again........and to forgive yourself. Once you can take all your focus off your H, you'll see you have healing to do also. I wish this came quickly, but I doubt it ever does. He needs time to get through his, while you need to work out yours. Then if I hope the two of you can work together to have a MR.

Giving him time and space can work for you, even though you may not see it right now. He may not want to see your face or hear your voice, IDK. Don't push him.

Don't avoid him trying to contact you, as long as he isn't using it to hurt you for hurting him. Btw, you probably feel that you deserve to have him treat you badly, but it does not help with the healing or the R to "allow" mistreatment. Does that make sense? I realize it may sound ironic to some, but it is important to maintain a certain level of dignity. Again, it's not about what you may feel you do or don't deserve right now. You will beat yourself up enough......without letting others beat you up too.

Will you attend a different church now, or will you be expected to make an apology to his church? Repentance is important for your healing as well as your H's. I don't believe in wearing the Scarlett A on your chest for the world to see. We are all sinners. People choose which sins they believe are big sins and little ones. Just remember that fact if anyone tries to make you feel shame for yours. What has happened is between you and your H........and God.

It's not easy being on a board where the majority are LBS's, but this board was the largest influence that helped save my M. Hope you'll stick with us.

[JayMan]

I forgot to even mention another success story: the couple my W was staying with until last week - the H left that W for a little over a year. Lived with a woman who designed a full-sleeve tattoo that he obviously has permanently now. His W waited patiently on him, praying and being loving - and in their case, right before he came back, even HE says he was awful to her until he broke.

The key in both the WAS above was the Ws cut off communication unless necessary for kids, showed grace and patience and a smile when they did see them, and never rebuked or scorned them. Both of them actually said they spent time praying for the woman that their husband was with! Talk about grace! They did all this without even knowing about DGing!

My W told me on Friday that she loved me, hugged me several times, laughed and joked with me - then spent all day Saturday hanging out with her EA, and is somewhere with him and his family today. What's odd is that W's XH cheated on her at least four times - you'd think she'd not want to EVER be anything like that! Maybe in her mind, it's just "friends" - but it's how full-blown affairs start.

One thing that someone said that has helped me a lot: an affair is like a drug. It's dangerous, and fun, and new, and makes you feel so great because the partner isn't a drag like you, the grumpy old spouse. If you can separate the affair from being another man/woman, then you can see that a WAS needs help a lot like a drug addict does. And you'll see the side effects: irrational behavior, very cold and nasty around you because you're "real life", spending money like crazy, living like a bachelor/ette, being a poor parent... Not all of those apply in all cases, but I've seen everyone of those on this board.

I remind myself daily - W isn't my enemy. Bitterness, resentment, selfishness - these are my enemy, and the only action I can take is to pray for my W, and eradicate those things from my life.

[cat04]

Cat, where is the part where you challenge Flo to discover her own faults?

She has an affair, and her task is to figure out whats wrong with her husband?

SM,

A few things...

If you had actually read my post, you would see that I did challenge Flo to discover her reasoning behind her actions...

That includes figuring out what the dynamic between her and her H that led her to have reactions that led to an A...

Everything has a butterfly effect...

The odds are that if her H met all of her needs and if she felt like all of her needs were met, she would not be in this situation.

Why?

Because she would have been happy, fulfilled, and focused on behaving in a way that protected her M from the dangers of an A...

While it is possible that he could have been perfect and her unhappiness was ENTIRELY one sided, it isn't probable...

Her H worked 14 hour days, which meant that he was not home much. What was her internal reaction to that?

Was she supportive or was she lonely and eventually angry? How did she fill her time alone? How did they fill their time together? What better choices could she have made than having an A?

Something that often comes across on these boards...

The LBS usually has some sort of feeling that the person who has an affair PLANNED it. Made a conscious decision to betray their marriage vows...

I don't believe that happens very often. From my own experience, I don't believe that people wake up one day, tell themselves they aren't happy, and that they will simply have an affair and that will be the answer to their problems...

I believe that people are usually in situations that aren't entirely happy, they eventually become vulnerable and the good feelings that they get from talking to someone, sets the stage for that relationship to grow into something more.

She has to find those answers before she can dig deeper...

As usual SM, the process isn't as simple as you want to try to make it.

On a board filled with LBS, the advice and questions are geared to helping the LBS figure out what their role in the marital breakdown was...

When dealing with a WAS, the questions are different. Because they are on the other side of this.

Often, in a place like this, the WAS will be attacked for being the bad guy. Simply because they can easily become ANY WAS in the mind of the LBS.

I don't want to do that to Flo.

She is here, because she wants to save her marriage. That is commendable.

Not all marriages get saved. That is an unfortunate reality.

However, I believe the bigger goal, is to help someone get to a point that any R they are in in the future, be safeguarded as much as possible, to the pitfalls any relationship can face.

Flo needs to understand herself and her reactions to situations, in order to be able to have those safeguards in place...

That requires the peeling of the layers, much like the peeling of an onion, and it starts at the surface...

[SM34]

I agree with what you are saying. I too am very happy to see a WAW here to work in her marriage. That is the best scenario anyone could hope for.

My only gripe was blaming the husband, since as you can imagine that is a sensitive issue...

We are all guilty of some amount of blaming others in our marriages and lives, and the challenge is to stop this and take responsibility for our lives.

If you a husband works a lot, rather than the wife focusing on how he must not want to spend time with her, why not focus on the fact that maybe he loves her SO MUCH that he wants to give her the good things....

If a husband is not good at showing love,.maybe he just doesn't know how. Maybe he needs help ro learn.

In a marriage both parties must learn to give the other the benefit of the doubt. We must all learn to see the positives in our lives and stop focusing on the negatives...and then, and only then, can one be truely happy.

That is why I dont believe in the argument that a not so perfect spouse can drive their spouse into the arms of someone else. To me that is a flaw in the internal reasoning that is driving that poor decision. And it is the duty of any ex cheater to explore this before they attempt to reconcile. A spouse, however imperfect, does not deserve the pain that your 'needs' brought on, and if you love them you will NEVER put them through it again. It is a soul wrecker!


Anyway, lets move on to helping Flo now. We are on the same page aa to what needs to be explored so lets help as much as possible.

Flo, tell us about your feelings towards your husbands work. Do you feel he works too much to avoid you? Or because he loves you?

Im also curious as to if affairs are common in your extended family. Often times it is those examples that can influence behavior negatively.

I will be following along. This is excellent progres Flo! I really do comend you for being here! It takes courage to face a forum full of hurt spouses, but you will learn a lot about what affairs do to the loyal spouse. Stick with us...

[Accuray]

For the Husbands who were cheated on:
1) what was the most healing/generous thing your wife did for you/Said after the affair?

In my case, nothing. I'm here because I wanted to save our marriage, but I did it largely one-sided. I would say the most generous thing was to agree to go to 3 MC sessions with me.

If you Google "Affair Recovery", there are excellent resources for things you can do to fast track rebuilding trust, and DB coaches are obviously very helpful as well.

2)what was the thing she Did that kept bringing back the hurt? The mistrust?

Not showing any remorse, empathy, or apologizing. Any type of secrecy. Generally the betrayed spouse will have "triggers" that will set off hurt. If you can figure out what your H's triggers are, you can endeavor to avoid them.

3)are any of you reconciled happily?

I am reconciled but wouldn't classify myself as happy with my marriage. I think the ideal situation is that the WAS commits to returning the marriage and is willing to do the work. In my case W was willing to return to the marriage but without doing work, and that has turned me into more of a WAS myself. As I guess others have pointed out, often the roles will reverse.

4)how are your children doing? How is their relationship with their Mom? You?

I have 3 kids. The older two sensed that things were going on right after BD, the youngest remained fairly oblivious. W and I did a great job of insulating the children from the sitch, so they really didn't see much of an impact. They are fine.

Hope that helps

[Breakdown]

I think you are getting some great advice here, and your sitch is a bit opposite from most of the folks seeking help here, so take that into consideration as well.

For the Husbands who were cheated on:
1) what was the most healing/generous thing your wife did for you/Said after the affair?

My W is only scratching the surface, but she has taken ownership of the affair (not the problems in the M, as we share that). That was a huge step, as before, she was constantly blaming me for her choice.

At one time my W unlocked her phone...that was a big deal for me as I had been asking for complete transparency (which I think is necessary to build trust). Unfortunately, each time I chose to look at her phone, she was still talking to OM...so she kinda blew it.

2)what was the thing she Did that kept bringing back the hurt? The mistrust?

I think Acc pegged this one. There are different triggers for each of those...figuring them out and addressing them is key. For me it was her disappearing for hours at a time, not answering calls, coming home half lit, missing kids events, hiding her phone, etc etc. Any one of these things takes me back.

3)are any of you reconciled happily?

There are definitely happy ending stories out here, but it's a lot of hard work, and it requires both people to invest heavily, so they are probably less common than divorce.

I'd like to think I might be one of those happy endings eventually, but my W is still trying to figure herself out. She wants to reconcile, but I'm not willing to at this point.

4)how are your children doing? How is their relationship with their Mom? You?

It's a mixed bag. All in all, I think we are co-parenting very well, but the kids still don't want us to be apart. I think they are adjusting, but it's hard work.

[cbtdad]

For the Husbands who were cheated on:
1) what was the most healing/generous thing your wife did for you/Said after the affair?
2)what was the thing she Did that kept bringing back the hurt? The mistrust?
3)are any of you reconciled happily?
4)how are your children doing? How is their relationship with their Mom? You?

Trying to see things from his point of view!

1. The most healing thing she did was to accept her decision. Thanks responsibility for what she had done. She said to me, "I know that you had a lot to do with us getting to the separation, but I feel like the 6 months are all my fault"
She also became an open book. Gave me the passwords to email, facebook, phone account and doesn't lock her phone anymore. The first few weeks I check these things a least once a day. Now maybe once a week. It is definitely building trust

2. One thing for sure that gave me mistrust was when I looked at her phone a couple times there were texts you can tell she deleted. She said she deleted them becuase she was afraid of how I would react. Very understanble, but brings up some serious trust issuess. The biggest thing she does to sill hurt me is her lack of empathy. She gets up last because I can't let it go like she has

3, I'm not sure what's considered full reconciliation, but its been 3 and half months since separation and we have moved to a new city, closing on a new today actually, see a MC once a week and tell each other we love each other.
There is still a lot of work to be done, but we both feel we are headed in he right marriage.

4. We have one 4 year old son and he has adjusted well to us being back together. It was roughy at first because he had just got use to us living apart I believe.


The biggest thing I will tell you from my point of view is that my self esteem was shattered. That hurt leads to anger. Of all things I would have lot of empathy for your husband. The last thing I would do is give him space and the usual DB things. I want nothing more than for my W to show me he wants this everyday and that she pursues me

[cbtdad]

PS, my latest thread is on the piecing board. You can see a lot of my emotions and roller coaster ride there

[Flo]

All of you, thank you for sharing your experiences. It means the world to me. CBTDad, I am getting mixed messages from my husband:calling me to confirm things necessary for our appt with divorce attorney, and then hugging me when he sees me and says I love you on phone now. Then him stating that "one day" maybe we would be intimate, "if we aren't dating anyone". (That didn't make me feel very good, like he was divorcing me but wanting benefits) But I decided to take that as a positive, at least he is verbalizing marital behavior as a possibility. It is a push pull.
I don't want to open my electronic life to him until I have some commitment that he wants to try. He constantly grilled me in the beginning, for every gory detail, and then brought it up those details a lot. Didn't really help him at all, I think it made it worse. I know he is talking to other women now "exploring relationships", and I know his ego probably needs that.
I had a phone session with DB coach for first time. Very helpful. Mainly said that my husband is a Walk away spouse, and I need to show him empathy. That I see his point of view and show him loving detachment. Take every "good thing" he gives me as a good thing. To NOT protect my heart from him (that is a tricky one, with being called a crazy whore etc), and to apologize about a thing that I done/said the day before.
Well, after I apologized (basically I criticized something he did w re our kids and implied he was neglectful) and essentially used the words coach had given me (I meant every word, they just are not natural for me. Need practice! When I feel like I am defending our kids from his neglect I get harsh) he melted a wee bit. And that afternoon was when he made the "maybe we will have sex in the future" comment, so I am seeing that as a positive change in me.
DB Coach encouraged me to meet with H as he asked, re going over finances etc in preparation for divorce.Coach said it "was golden opportunity" to show him I am capable of change. I felt like meeting was "making it easier" for him to divorce me, and probably not good idea settlement wise for me. But the coach gave me words to use if I do not agree with something, or do not want to disclose something-that show I see/hear his point of view, even if I do not agree. So that is tonight.
As far as WHY I had the affair, I was not open enough with my husband. I had shut off my heart from him, bc I felt like he was undependable/absent. I should have gone to his workplace in the evening, bring him dinner etc to at least connect with him somehow. Lord knows all of my fussing didn't work, and drove him away. I should have done certain things to make myself happy (that might have angered him) like go on vacation with the kids without him (I used to do that when I realized we would never go as a family), or buy a TV (we haven't had one for 5 years bc it "is bad for kids"). Certainly not deal breakers. But instead I shut down. When we went to counseling before my affair I compared his relationship with work as "an affair". I was jealous of his love for his work, the time and thought he put into it. And then I got angry, a real seething anger. That was probalby what set me over the edge. The OM was more than willing to spoil me with attention and time, and once I felt that, I was hooked. It was 60 days before it got physical, but I was hooked before that.
So how would I not be in that situation again?
1)The pain on my h and children's face will never get out of my brain
2)I would articulate my needs specifically: get home and talk to me for 1 hour, no phone, no kids, no dog, no chores several times a week; stand up to him on his rules and such; fill my heart with scripture for when people disappoint me; recognize that delayed gratification is something I am capable of.
3)Not hide from God.