Thank you for your good thoughts and taking time for this. Well, at least there was no note this morning, no confrontation at 6am, no s*** to start the day.
That said, Acc, you are probably right. You did say I had nothing to lose a year ago - and I did not carry the ball further.
It is time to get angry. Maybe that will be my LRT. What did you think of the draft:
I have been kind, generous, and respectful to you for 10 years. I have tried to rebuild our relationship again and again, in many different ways. I have tolerated your having an affair. You have been insulting, judgmental, and disrespectful, and made me feel like c--p in the process. Well, I am done with your treatment. If you cannot behave, then there is no point in our talking. I will always have feelings for you. If you had put some effort into this, we would not be at this juncture. What a sad day our efforts have lead to, what unnecessary pain, what a gift to the whole family.
L
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Oh, and I assume this should be said face to face? Scenario: she comes home later than usual tonight, and I propose a brief walk, so as to not have daughter hear.
If we do not do this tonight, then there is when I get back or via email.
Going to talk to an EE mediator friend in a bit, divorced maybe a year ago, and get some advice.
Do you have any thoughts on the house, and possibly staying in it? There are a lot of memories here, and the thought of losing them rips me apart. I could afford to pay rent for my W and advance her 100K$.
Alternatively, there is the cellar (built on a slope, so it has windows to the garden) apartment, where I could stay. What would be best for the kids?
L
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Thank you for sticking with me through this. You have helped immeasurably.
I have a few questions:
Fartiltre, you wrote "None of what you say can go against D". I don't understand what you mean.
Isn't Mr. Bond's "Ice Queen" name calling? It sounds like an attack to my ears.
I just talked to a friend at length about this. He suggested that I not attack my W via you statements, but instead stick to using I, like this, with the goal of maintaining some amicability to see things through (please edit as needed):
Here is how I see things, and you should know that I am very angry about this. I have been kind, generous, and respectful to you for the last 10 years. I have tried to rebuild our relationship again and again, in many different ways. I have tolerated your having an affair. I've felt insulted, judged, and disrespected by how you have spoken to and treated me, which made me feel like c--p in the process. Separating me nightly from our family was horrible. What do you think the kids thought? What did they learn? I did not appreciate learning from A**** that we were moving in the spring. There is no longer any need to be told that I have Asperger's, that my family is lousy, or that I am deficient in some manner. Well, I am done with being treated and spoken to that way. If you cannot behave, then there is no point in our talking until you can. I will always have warm feelings for you. I feel like if you had put more effort into this, we would not be at this juncture. What a sad day our paths have lead to, what unnecessary pain and loss, what a legacy for the whole, forever broken, by your choice, family.
Your p-ss-- off husband, L.
I think this sets my boundaries and expresses what I feel, without attacking her back. It may be wiser to not attack, particularly if I want to work out somehow staying in the house.
Tell her this tonight, face to face? Email from airport tomorrow morning? I leave the house at 5am or so.
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Fartiltre, you wrote "None of what you say can go against D". I don't understand what you mean.
I meant that your statement are NOT supposed in ANY way to convince W to do anything! You are done and that’s what you should tell her! So do not try to convince her to give things a second chance. Do not slam the door in her face - close it gently firm!
IMHO you are defending and explaining way too much – but do hold you horses until VETS arrive! GET THE VETS ADVICE BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING!
All the best, Luke!
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
You asked if I'd had a chance to think. Well, here is how I see things, and you should know that I am very angry about this. I have been kind, generous, and respectful to you for the last 10 years. I have tried to rebuild our relationship again and again, in many different ways, but it seemed nothing was ever good enough. I have tolerated your having an affair. I've felt insulted, judged, and disrespected by how you have spoken to and treated me. Separating me nightly from our family was horrible. What do you think the kids thought? What did they learn? I did not appreciate learning from A**** that we were moving out in the spring.
I no longer want to be told that I have Asperger's, that my family is lousy, or that I am deficient in some manner. I am done with being treated and spoken to that way. If you cannot behave respectfully, then there is no point in our talking until you can.
I will always have warm feelings for you, believe it or not. I also feel like if you had put more effort into this, we would not be at this juncture. What a sad day our paths have lead to, what unnecessary pain and loss, what a legacy for the whole, forever broken, by your choice, family.
Your p-ss-- off husband, L.
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
You asked if I'd had a chance to think. Well, here is how I see things, and you should know that I am very angry about this. I have been kind, generous, and respectful to you for the last 10 years. I have tried to rebuild our relationship again and again, in many different ways, but it seemed nothing was ever good enough. I have tolerated your having an affair. I've felt insulted, judged, and disrespected by how you have spoken to and treated me. Separating me nightly from our family was horrible. What do you think the kids thought? What did they learn? I did not appreciate learning from A**** that we were moving out in the spring.
I no longer want to be told that I have Asperger's, that my family is lousy, or that I am deficient in some manner. I am done with being treated and spoken to that way. If you cannot behave respectfully, then there is no point in our talking until you can.
I will always have warm feelings for you, believe it or not. I also feel like if you had put more effort into this, we would not be at this juncture. What a sad day our paths have lead to, what unnecessary pain and loss, what a legacy for the whole, forever broken, by your choice, family.
Your p-ss-- off husband, L.
Too many words. Lay off all the guilt, it makes you feel better for venting but it won't do anything to her accept make her angry and fog up.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
What is best for the kids? I still resent my parents selling the houses I spent time in as a kid, still feel an ache for these places. S19 is at college (leaving him there the first time was painful), so more out in the world, but perhaps home is still important to him.
D15 lives here, and seems much more vulnerable. I so look forward to her being here tonight, before W comes, having dinner together, hearing how her day was. How do you protect kids from this?
The apartment in the basement is not the same standard as the upper floors, but it is here, where home is. Is staying on there a good idea? A possible idea?
L
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Isn't Mr. Bond's "Ice Queen" name calling? It sounds like an attack to my ears.
Bonds point is that your W has repeatedly asked you to stand up for yourself and to be a man. You don't have to use his exact words but you need to do this, even if it doesn't save your M it will be a start to get your self-respect back.
Quote:
Here is how I see things, and you should know that I am very angry about this. I have been kind, generous, and respectful to you for the last 10 years. I have tried to rebuild our relationship again and again, in many different ways. I have tolerated your having an affair. I've felt insulted, judged, and disrespected by how you have spoken to and treated me, which made me feel like c--p in the process. Separating me nightly from our family was horrible. What do you think the kids thought? What did they learn? I did not appreciate learning from A**** that we were moving in the spring. There is no longer any need to be told that I have Asperger's, that my family is lousy, or that I am deficient in some manner. Well, I am done with being treated and spoken to that way. If you cannot behave, then there is no point in our talking until you can. I will always have warm feelings for you. I feel like if you had put more effort into this, we would not be at this juncture. What a sad day our paths have lead to, what unnecessary pain and loss, what a legacy for the whole, forever broken, by your choice, family.
Your p-ss-- off husband, L.
Are you REALLY p*ss*d off about it? If not, saying you are without the emotion behind it will not have any impact. I wouldn't mention "tolerating her A" because it will reiterate her point that you don't stand up for yourself. She didn't separate you nightly from your children, you did. You allowed it instead of standing up for yourself. Do not say "if you can't behave", you are not talking to your child!
Do not tell her it is her fault and she should have tried harder. She is not the only one to blame; from what I have read she tried to tell you what she needed (someone who stood up for themselves and acted like a man) and you didn't give her that. I am not saying you have to or that you should be someone you aren't, I am saying that the breakdown is due to both of you. Why would she respect you and want to stay with you if you can't stand up for yourself? If you go off to the basement and allow yourself to be removed from your children's nightly routines? I would find that behavior to be a major turnoff, so again, listen to Bond and stand up for yourself, NOW. If your W won't go for a walk tonight then stand up to her anyway, just have a quiet anger (which can have a lot of impact) so the kids don't overhear everything. They know what is going on anyway, let your D see you stand up for yourself!
Quote:
What is best for the kids? I still resent my parents selling the houses I spent time in as a kid, still feel an ache for these places. S19 is at college (leaving him there the first time was painful), so more out in the world, but perhaps home is still important to him.
This is a personal choice and will not impact whether you D or not. If you want to stay in the home, and you can afford to, TELL your W, I have decided we are not selling the house because I am staying, you can move wherever you want to and I will give you xxx.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Yes, GM, we have a very nice house, from 1883, on a lake, within 5 minutes walk of downtown, and with arguably the nicest garden in town between the house and the lake. My study looks directly onto the water and the garden, where I can watch boats and ducks go by and absorb the beauty of the scene.
That said, a less expensive to run house would be nice. The cellar here has its own entrance, and is completely separate (you have to go outside) from the upper two floors. The new owners could charge me rent, for that matter.
Enough on that. ---
So you are also saying I should stand up for myself? Have that little talk with Wife? Living a complete (with sex, love, and affection) marriage seems an impossibility now.
When do I confront her? It has to be tonight or electronically from the States or when I am back. Do I agree to the D?
Thanks,
L
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
You have a good point re "p----d off". I am working on gathering my anger, and will rehearse before any talk happens. I can tell you that at EE I was very angry about this, so yes, it is in there.
I think the core is "I will not stand for more of this, I've turned my cheek too many times, and from now on things are different".
Yes, it is also my fault.
Thanks,
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
