Newbies introduce yourself /moderation notes

[Preggonomore]

Hi, I've been posting for a week now, but my posts don't show up. I really need help with my relationship. H is acting very ambiguous in his will to stay with our family. I don't recognize him post deployment. I'm pregnant and he has found OW while deployed. Now he wants out, even though he is willing to go to counseling.

My DB question is: do I leave him alone and let him come around to talk about the R?

My post question is: why won't my threads progress and post?

[Harold]

Hi,

Harold here, first post. Looks like an interesting sight with a lot of helpful people.

Looks like there's a lot to learn and contribute here, and that's why I'm here.

Been married for 40 years to the same woman. We have a few good years and a few bad ones. It's interesting to see some of the issues posted here and what the thoughts are.

[John2112]

Hi I hope I'm doing this correctly because I really need your help. Here's a summary:
Me 50 Her 48
W left me a month ago. Married 27 years with no big issues.
One D leaving for college. Got the ILYBINILWY. She moved in with her parents. Says her feelings have changed and that there is no one else involved. I found no evidence of OM.
Says she does not want divorce and wants to work it out. Can't understand how that's going to happen if she doesn't love me. She hasn't cut me off and says she needs time and space to sort it all out. In the meantime I'm in limbo.
Been reading DR and DB but I'm emotionally devastated and can't stop building scenarios in my head. What next?

[30yearsover?]

In Sept. of 2012 my H of 23 years told me I love you but I'm not sure if I'm “In Love” with you. He wanted to separate. I asked him if there was someone else and he said “no”, it would be easier if he could say there was but that was not the case and he wasn't looking for someone else. He said it's not about sex, that I was enough sex for him, he just wants to be alone. He doesn't know who he is and he needs time to find himself. We have been married for 23 years and together for 30 years. He is 54 and I am 51. We have a D27 and S25.

Our marriage was good, not much conflict. We built our house together in 1997. We did things together as a family and separately just the two of us. We enjoyed many activities together ie: scuba diving, dirt bike riding, hiking, and trips to Hawaii. We were best friends. Our relationship was envied by friends and family. Everyone including myself are devastated. I'm very close to my 2BIL's and SIL. Both of his parents are deceased.

I'm in the process of reading DB and will be reading DR next. My H is living 200 miles away from me and I'm not sure how to apply any of the DB skills with this kind of separation. We are basically at NC. I haven't spoken to him since the end of May. I need some guidance. Any comments are very appreciated.

[T-boned]

Yesterday I was posting my introduction for the first time (I think) when all of a sudden the Post area blinked a couple of times and I could not write any more. I didn't think I hit Submit . . . Did I write too much? Or did something time out? Or is it my computer? Anyway, I was not able to finish my post nor could I find it, so if you see it and it is not finished, now you'll know why. It's too bad if it's lost because I liked what I wrote and put a lot of thought into it. Darn it!

[T-boned]

After my first failed attempt to post my introduction, here is my second attempt.
I am new to posting but have been watching this website since I discovered it in May. After reading many of the posts regarding the MLC and WAS, to which I could have signed my name to many (look at 30yearsover post just above!!! I could cut and paste some of her lines into my sitch!!!!) , and after seeing the consistently good advice, I decided to take the plunge and log in and become active. On one hand I feel good that I am not alone in all this craziness, but on the other hand it's sad to think there is so much pain and heartache being experienced by so many people. I hope I can find some comfort and peace here.My sitch - see signature for the generalities.
Details - my best friend, lover, and what I thought was my rock of a husband decided he doesn't want to be married any more. Feels like his life hasn't turned out the way he thought it would (welcome to reality my friend), doesn’t know who he is, and thinks we'd be better as friends. Says he didn’t want to hurt me and was a coward for not telling me sooner. Sound familiar???? Said there was no OW, would be easier if there was, made a mistake . . . etc – you all know the lyrics. Sure, we had some difficult issues in our marriage, but we were always a team and I thought we just were experiencing some ‘bad times’ in our marriage –nothing we couldn’t overcome. Over the last 4 or 5 years he has seen me through some pretty major life changes; menopause, loss of a great job situation (felt like a divorce),loss of my father, and the granddaddy of them all, breast cancer of which I am two years out from my last dose of nasty chemotherapy. And you never saw a better husband through all this, or so I was lead to believe. Said in the initial DB he had been ‘checked out’ for the last 4 or 5 years and that I should have seen the signs and signals. Ironically, we had been seeing a MC both as individuals and a couple for the last 4 or 5 years to deal with our issues. Even the MC didn’t see this coming-was shocked. As well as family, friends, and neighbors. H gets an Oscar for his performance.
Two hours after H DB, said he couldn't stay home and went to be with his family about 250 miles away, leaving me to deal with it for a week with limited support (he has a large family). Since then he has never fully returned home. I have been working out of town about 3 ½ days a week for the last year (not a permanent sitch), so during this time he’d stay at our home while I was gone then find other places to stay when I returned home. In mid-May he removed his wedding ring but said he was not intending to start dating. Having the summer off, he spent it with his family/friends. Phone calls/texts, mostly initiated by me, have been nothing but business and very polite. H did start seeing an IC (recommended by our MC) before the summer and resumed upon returning in August. H agreed to meet with me and our MC a week after returning from summer break to talk about where we were in all this. We met outside the MC office and had a nice chat. Hugs upon arrival. In office, H said he did a lot of soul searching and realized he is really ‘F’d up’, that I married a ‘freak’ and he was sorry to have dragged me along for so long on this journey, and would not consider trying to make one last attempt to save our marriage. That if it would make me happy he would come back but he would be miserable – and then asked if I would I want that? What a loaded question. Says it has nothing to do with me. It’s all him. Told him then to send me the divorce papers – he said we didn’t have to do that right now. Haven’t heard any more divorce talk since. I’m guessing he has been too busy trying to get himself settled. So I’m waiting for the other shoe (bomb?) to drop.
Currently, he rents a house about 5 minutes from our home. We communicate once a week on average (again mostly me). Told me it’s hard for him not to talk to me but also hard to talk to me. Actually had a rare visit with him at his place – talked on phone earlier, he said to stop by. Hug on arrival and a “It’s good to see you”. Hug when I left. Texted him later that day about some business and said it was good to see him too.
I have mostly been upbeat and positive but not good at being mysterious. I am working on GAL. I still see our MC once a week. I struggle with not buying into his story, although I agree he has some serious personal issues he needs to deal with based on his emotional display at our meeting. I do believe he still loves me; however, I ‘m afraid his pride will not let him deviate from his decision that divorce is the answer. Tried LRT – started that in May/June when I discovered DR. Still doing it – but have backslid a couple times. Doesn’t seem to have made any difference –unfortunately, maybe I’m in that group where you can “ DB until the cows come home” but to no avail. Have had three phone counseling sessions. Am considering three more. Read Sandi’s list a couple time a week. Our 12 year wedding anniversary is Oct. 6th (this Sunday) and I have been pretty down the last couple of weeks thinking about it. I know I need to detach more and just live ‘as if’ we’re done and get on with life. Accept what I can’t change – change what I can and hope for the best. Easier said than done.
Any suggestions or comments? Vets, I would love to hear from you.

[Tina825]

9/2012 found out husband was having EA. He moved out in 10/12, asked for a divorce but never pursued it. We started counseling and he moved back in home 2/13. Things seemed to be going well until end of 7/13, I felt something not right. Sure enough, 8/13 caught him talking to her on secret phone. He moved out immediately into one of our empty rentals.

We own our own business (I do paperwork), he drives, and have a 9s. He will send texts about "us" and call during the day, then goes silent for a few hours then starts texting and calling again. I'm tired of being on this roller coaster.

Went to IC and she helped in set up boundaries. Problem is, I can't get H to commit to a visitation schedule with our son. He still seems to be doing what he wants, when he wants. BTW, he is now using his regular phone to contact OW.

I'm at my wits end, I'm tired of being strung along and not knowing what to do. Any thoughts?

[Tina825]

Congratulations on a 40 year marriage, I think that's incredible to say the least.

[T-boned]

Hi John 2112,

I'm so sorry about your sitch. At least she doesn't want a divorce - that's a positive! And even though you got the ILYBNILWY statement she still DOES love you. Just needs to fall BACK in love with you. In reading DR, it is suggested you aim to become that person she initally fell IN love with. You are still that person - just got to get back to him. It's there.

Even though I'm no vet, I just remembered this advice from DR.
Hope this helps.

[T-boned]

As you can see I'm not good at brevity. However, at the time of authoring this dissertation I felt as though I was being fairly brief. It has been a long 5 months.

After seeing H at his place this past weekend, I have decided to go 'dark.' Not going to phone/text him or reply to any of his contacts unless it is an absolute necessity. My problem will be how to explain it too him if he asks why I haven't answered him. Like I said before, I'm not good at being vague or mysterious. He can read me like a book.