"I hear your anger and resentment coming through clearly in what you’ve written. It still, to me, sounds rather accusatory and combative, particularly the “If you cannot behave...” bit. It feels rather abrupt and short and my guess would be that it wouldn’t go down very well and may not help you work through divorce in a way that will minimise the hurt and damage to everyone concerned.
I get and understand that you are angry about the way you feel you have been treated. It’s tough but maybe this is not the time to address those issues. I’m not suggesting that you don’t stand your ground if you are treated in those ways in the future. More that you stand your ground on an incident by incident basis. If and when they occur maybe something like, “I really don’t appreciate you <criticising my mother/whatever>. I find it offensive and upsetting and an unwarranted and unnecessary personal attack. I’d like us to be able to work together on the divorce and get it done in a calm way without fighting or criticism each other. I’m asking you to stop <criticising my mother/whatever> ” so that we can concentrate on getting through the divorce in an adult way.”
You probably need to tweak the words according to what sounds right to you and how you normally speak. Have you come across Non-violent Communication? I can’t remember the web site but I’m sure that Google knows about it.
I’m wondering if the time to raise all of the long standing issues about the past is after the divorce is over and you have some time and distance to put forward your feelings in more considered way. My feeling is that what I’d try to do is to give your wife an assurance that you want to work on the divorce together and that you’ll proceed with it when you get back from your month away; that you need some time to come to terms with what’s happening and to figure out what you want. You can also point out that the month isn’t going to make very much difference to the length of time it will take. Then use that month to work through some of things above, do some work around how you want to communicate with her, where your lines in the sand are and how you are going to handle those thing if they come up. Doing some role play around your responses might help too."
I disagree with him that now is not the time. L
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
You asked if I'd had a chance to think. I have. I have tried to rebuild our relationship again and again, in many different ways, but it seemed nothing was ever good enough, nothing would loosen your heart. I've felt insulted, judged, and disrespected by how you have spoken to and treated me. Well, I won't accept abuse like that anymore. At Christmas, for example, when S is here, I will sleep upstairs, here in my house. You can sleep where you want - it doesn't really matter to me where.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
You're leaving for the States in a few hours. This would be a good time to regroup and gather your thoughts while you're in the States. This way, you can work with us here to plan and execute the next steps when you return to Sweden.
Meanwhile, you can inform your W before you leave for the States (today) that you will work with her on D, that you're sad about it and it isn't what you wanted. Any discussions on D details will have to wait until you get back to Sweden as you don't take this lightly. And zip your mouth. No more adding on to this. Short and simple. Stand your ground that you will not discuss the details until you return back home.
When you arrive in the States, study up on boundary setting by printing off worksheets from Google. You will have 4 weeks to do this before getting back to Sweden.
Oh and if there are any emails from W and you want to respond, my recommendation is for you to come here first before responding to W's emails. The vets can assist you with them. I've done it when I first came here and grizzled vets helped me out with my emails to Ms. Wonka.
So no confrontation talk tonight? I hadn't planned on acquiescing to a D tonight, but maybe that is not what "working with her on this" means?
I just had an extremely good skype rehearsal with my dearest friend, and found the anger and pain that I need, in the phrase "f*** with my family", adding "if you are going to force me to deal with this s***, and f*** with my family, then we are doing this as equals". The rant ends with, if needed, "this is not a discussion".
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
I feel your pain Luke. However, one of the most important things that my DB coach taught me is how destructive anger is in these type of sitches. Yes, we feel it but it never really does any good to share it, it seems. I have reconciled with my H but only because I consciously let the anger at his leaving and putting me through such pain for a year go. Maybe you don't really care anymore but it really will likely do more harm than good to express toxicity. Just MHO. Take care. It does get better. Be the better man.
You don't want to play the victim in your interactions with W.
What will a confrontation with W today just before leaving the States accomplish? If it's for the 'feel good' factor, then go for it. But what then? Exactly. I am not a supporter of a confrontation before leaving for a long-term trip. That is just me.
However, I do think it is important for you to respond to W's request for D by using the script above before you leave. You're not agreeing to a D, but work with her on it. However, it's imperative that W does the leg work by getting the paperwork together and present/send it to you.
"Okay - we have a split opinion here. Confront or not? Tonight or when I am back? Agree to "working on D" tonight or not?"
This isn't a democracy, we're talking about YOUR M here.
Stop asking for "votes" and start getting some b@lls. A real man makes a decision on his own and sticks with it. He doesn't think about what others think or what they think of him. This HAS TO BE YOUR DECISION. If not, then you are going to second guess yourself.
For God's sake man, STOP BEING AFRAID AND MAKE A DECISION! There is NO right or wrong answer. Be confident enough to do what you want to do. Your W once asked you to do what James Dean would do. DO THAT!
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
