All - I don't have much time right now, but will reply to your posts after reading them at work today - in LA now -
Here are ideas from brainstorming at 3am today, in no particular order: take another DB coaching session try Bettermen coaching, after reading NUTS again, run 9 miles on weekends, so that French friend and I can do this together, as he offered to last weekend. Talk to this friend - start by email? This month's Outside magazine has 'lifehacking' ideas How to be a good dad at a distance to daughter? show PMA in any case! The morning I left, I put in a storm window, because I thought it was good (warmer house!), and even though daughter said 'you should ask ma about that' don't ask for permission any longer, no more 'ma will know' or 'ma knows best' contact my favorite cousin, with whom I had a falling out contact W or not while I am gone? do not pursue. Must ask/tell her about wanting to take kids on New Year's trip, even if she does not want to come. Should book trip soon. Do ice rappeling, ice boating, talk to my Lebanese barber about any Arab drummers he may know, no one makes your dreams happen for you. Invite lunch club to hike on weekend after 1st meeting - everyone can walk! Beautiful torches at night in snow in Japanese movie Vibrator - something for us ? Help wife renovate? That which I choose, not that which she tells me. We have a door that needs work, for example. Is this honoring my W and myself? PMA - even though it bugs W. Not teflon happiness however. Validate her pain? More than I am sorry about how she feels? I am responsible for my happiness. Get therapy (EE leader, maybe?) to help break behavior patterns. Say good night and good morning every day. I am worried not seeing daughter in the evenings - she has a long commute each way to Stockholm and has been speaking about getting a room/apartment there. New jeans and new shirts. Grow a beard? W hates beards. W wants nothing from me - not the food I make, even. So what shall her xmas gifts be? She told me of one book she wants, I have another, I have a razor type she likes, and I think she would like the movie The East. Abandonment issue - Jealousy of my fancy job and travel and income I start interviewing college applicants to my alma mater next month, in Sweden. I am responsible for my own happiness and situation.
Later - thanks -
L
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
take another DB coaching session That's a good plan.
try Bettermen coaching, after reading NUTS again, How does that look to you? What do you hope to achieve after this?
run 9 miles on weekends, so that French friend and I can do this together, as he offered to last weekend. Talk to this friend - start by email? Geez...9 miles! That's way more than what I can do now. Good for you! Wow.
This month's Outside magazine has 'lifehacking' ideas This is interesting to me. I always learn something new from DB forums.
[How to be a good dad at a distance to daughter? show PMA in any case! The morning I left, I put in a storm window, because I thought it was good (warmer house!), and even though daughter said 'you should ask ma about that' don't ask for permission any longer, no more 'ma will know' or 'ma knows best' Good for you! Taking the initiative is showing some strength. Do you plan to text D and keep in touch with her while you're in the States?
contact my favorite cousin, with whom I had a falling out Cool! Hope you two can work things out. contact W or not while I am gone? do not pursue. That's right. No contact. Go dark on W.
Must ask/tell her about wanting to take kids on New Year's trip, even if she does not want to come. Should book trip soon. I'd suggest that you take charge and plan the details of the trip with your kids. You can offer W to join if she wants to. Keep it short.
Do ice rappeling, ice boating, talk to my Lebanese barber about any Arab drummers he may know, no one makes your dreams happen for you. This sounds like a real cool activity! Invite lunch club to hike on weekend after 1st meeting - everyone can walk! Hiking is fun and a great way to connect with people.
Beautiful torches at night in snow in Japanese movie Vibrator - something for us ? Forget about W. How about taking your kids there with you. It would be a nice bonding activity with your children.
Help wife renovate? That which I choose, not that which she tells me. We have a door that needs work, for example. Is this honoring my W and myself? I think it has nothing to do with honoring W. Just take charge and do projects around the house that you are able to do. Get up one morning and just tackle the door. Simple as that.
PMA - even though it bugs W. Not teflon happiness however. Validate her pain? More than I am sorry about how she feels? No R talk with W. Keep your mouth zipped. Unless W initiates R talk, then you can use validating statements. I am responsible for my happiness. Damn straight...you're ONLY responsible for your own happiness.
Get therapy (EE leader, maybe?) to help break behavior patterns. I would suggest that you start working on the boundary setting worksheets that can be found through Google. EE would be good.
Say good night and good morning every day. I'd suggest that you do that to the family. Not directed to only W.
I am worried not seeing daughter in the evenings - she has a long commute each way to Stockholm and has been speaking about getting a room/apartment there. Isn't she 16? You allow her to move out and live on her own at age 16? Not sure how things are like in Sweden. New jeans and new shirts. That's good. Do this FOR you to make yourself feel good about you.
Grow a beard? W hates beards. Is this action bringing you closer to the goal? If this repels W, then you might want to reconsider it.
W wants nothing from me - not the food I make, even. So what shall her xmas gifts be? She told me of one book she wants, I have another, I have a razor type she likes, and I think she would like the movie The East. Forget about taking W to the movies or any type of activity. She's not interested in you at all. As for Christmas, let's wait until you get closer to the holidays. A book would be a simple gift that is appropriate for W. Nothing romantic or anything like that.
Abandonment issue - Jealousy of my fancy job and travel and income You're mindreading. You don't know unless W has specifically expressed this to you directly.
I start interviewing college applicants to my alma mater next month, in Sweden. That's a good way of broadening your skills. Good job.
I am responsible for my own happiness and situation. You might want to rephrase it to "I'm responsible for my own happiness and actions" You really don't have a lot of control over your sitch. Actions do matter and it is within your control.
All - I don't have much time right now, but will reply to your posts after reading them at work today - in LA now -
Here are ideas from brainstorming at 3am today, in no particular order: take another DB coaching session Sounds good IF you think the marriage is worth OR capable of saving. 10 years with no sex is going to be hard long haul for both of you to repair/overhaul. AND she is not interested in it. In fact she wants out. So maybe , ask for coparenting advice
try Bettermen coaching, after reading NUTS again, as long as the various approaches do not confuse or conflict, do it
run 9 miles on weekends, so that French friend and I can do this together, as he offered to last weekend. Talk to this friend - start by email? Pick up the phone and have an upbeat attitude about it. Email is silly. Nothing to do be nervous about. Why email when you can call?
THINK ABOUT WHY YOU WOULD EVEN ASK THIS^^...it's not a date. Call the guy, check in and ask how HIS life is going, then ask about the run. No biggie.
Why email and then wait and hope he even checks it? Pick up the phone. There are a ton of things in this area to do (call me too while you're at it)
and DO, no more thinking or planning or wavering. Like the commercial says, "JUST DO IT". I have to run but real quick--
But please do not let your d move out so soon. She is 16!
And don't think for a minute she's not leaving partly b/c of the tension at home. B/C you see, "avoiding conflict" was easier for YOU but it was costly TO HER....
more later
This month's Outside magazine has 'lifehacking' ideas How to be a good dad at a distance to daughter? show PMA in any case! The morning I left, I put in a storm window, because I thought it was good (warmer house!), and even though daughter said 'you should ask ma about that' don't ask for permission any longer, no more 'ma will know' or 'ma knows best' contact my favorite cousin, with whom I had a falling out contact W or not while I am gone? do not pursue. Must ask/tell her about wanting to take kids on New Year's trip, even if she does not want to come. Should book trip soon. Do ice rappeling, ice boating, talk to my Lebanese barber about any Arab drummers he may know, no one makes your dreams happen for you. Invite lunch club to hike on weekend after 1st meeting - everyone can walk! Beautiful torches at night in snow in Japanese movie Vibrator - something for us ? Help wife renovate? That which I choose, not that which she tells me. We have a door that needs work, for example. Is this honoring my W and myself? PMA - even though it bugs W. Not teflon happiness however. Validate her pain? More than I am sorry about how she feels? I am responsible for my happiness. Get therapy (EE leader, maybe?) to help break behavior patterns. Say good night and good morning every day. I am worried not seeing daughter in the evenings - she has a long commute each way to Stockholm and has been speaking about getting a room/apartment there. New jeans and new shirts. Grow a beard? W hates beards. W wants nothing from me - not the food I make, even. So what shall her xmas gifts be? She told me of one book she wants, I have another, I have a razor type she likes, and I think she would like the movie The East. Abandonment issue - Jealousy of my fancy job and travel and income I start interviewing college applicants to my alma mater next month, in Sweden. I am responsible for my own happiness and situation.
Later - thanks -
L
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I live an hour or so, from where you are staying. And I think you still have my number or you can get it from EE
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
That is an offer that I gladly will take you up on - thank you. The only difficulty is finding your number. Give me a bit to look around my office this morning. I am the only guy in Sweden on the EE graduate list, if that helps.
I am up in Culver City tomorrow morning.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
I cannot find you in the EE grad directory. The EE administrator kindly pulled a current list of all the CA grads (I am included there also, though my permanent home is in Sweden), but no cigar.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Jet lag is finally providing me with a few hours to respond - the silver lining of waking at 2 am. Thanks for all your posts, which I'll try to answer, but in no particular order.
I contacted the EE leader, and he is willing to provide T via Skype. Behavioral change - a la Pavlov - would be a goal.
No contact from W or D since I left, though I emailed daughter to wish her a happy week long school trip that starts tomorrow.
Speaking of daughter: she has started at a high school a good hour away by train, each way, from home. Her school days are often long. W works at a school about halfway between our house and daughter's school. There was recently the possibility of sharing a room, near daughter's school, with dance teacher's daughter (and one of the moms would stay with the kids too), who now goes to royal ballet school in Stockholm. This shared room arrangement fell through at the last minute.
Our best friends in Stockholm have offered to put daughter up overnight when she needs it, and I think would actually like this, as their own daughters are moving out. Best friend woman is actually daughter's god mother.
All this tale is just to say that daughter having her school so far away (and in Sweden, as the school system is done by vouchers, and you are pretty free to choose where you want to study, kids often live away from home when in high school) is a factor somehow here. The state pays for either their housing or for their train tickets to commute. I don't like this early atomization of the family - kids should be at home until they are 18, I think, but that is how the Swedes do it.
The men's lunch group is taking more form. I've asked the guys who are interested in coming to let me know, and would ideally talk to them ahead of time.
Yes, PatientMan, DB and your posts were a crutch, comfort and refuge sometime.
I really like what you wrote:
"Do what is right. Be honorable. Be someone only a fool would leave. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and confident at all times... Be true and honest and respectful to YOURSELF".
Thank you for this.
I am staying with my MIL again, which feels a bit strange given the current home scene, but I have said nothing, and remain cheerful.
We have an old wooden sailboat, which W asked me to sell. An acquaintance in Sweden has offered to buy it, and I sent him a reply stating the (low) price. W was not copied on my reply, as I am taking care of this.
The 9 miles is a goal for the weekends - I usually run 4 - so I need to ramp up again. Running in Sweden, on dirt roads and along lakes, through woods, is very nice. Just not during moose hunting season!
MLC - I take your point on what conflict avoidance has cost my daughter, and am ashamed. She means the world to me. I will write her via text messages every day, maybe for instance sending her a picture of the drum circle and political conference I am going to today.
My ee contract starts with " by trusting and reaching out to others, and inviting them to join me in activities...", which I am doing. Yes, I was too often waiting for life to happen for the last 10 years, a passive, depressed, sorry person. That is changing for the better. I look forward to getting friends.
Yes, W may have problems living on her lousy (Sweden is bad with this) teacher's salary, but selling the house would give her a big chunk.
Cellar has windows on three sides, but you know, a different apartment near the lake might work too.
You know, I will take a T session with the EE head, focusing on cementing self worth. He went to the same college I did, and understands the peculiar mindset there, something that EE finally loosened the grip of.
I would like to take d on a 3 day trip over fall break, but not ask permission of W. On the other hand, as this involves non refundable tickets, I should know if it will work before doing any booking.
This needing to know conflicts with going dark - how to handle? The same applies to Christmas vacation, when I'd like to take one or both kids on a trip also.
W is alone for a week, starting tomorrow, as daughter is in Germany with her school.
That hopefully covers at least some of what you wrote -
Gratefully -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Oh, one more small thing - MIL, with whom I stay here, often wants to call W/her daughter on Sundays, and then has me talk also. What do I say if she says "give XXX a call!" ? Is there nice way to bow out and stay dark?
L
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
