Unlearning conflict avoidance 6

[MrBond]

The fact that you see that sending your own children messages of love is considered "pursuing" shows you have a long way to go in terms of establishing deep relationships in general.

I hope you can stop being afraid of interacting with your own kids.

[LuckyLuke]

I just did not to drag them into the ditch my W and I are having.

[LuckyLuke]

Add 'want' to the above -

[LuckyLuke]

Add 'want' to the above -

[T1000]

Completely separate the two mentally.

Kids over here. ------------------------------------------ Wife over here.

The more normal you can make life for your kids the better.

[LuckyLuke]

Thanks T.

Good assertive stuff going on here - talking straight stuff to my patriarch dad, thanks to book Your Perfect Right - will meet a bunch of new alumni tomorrow - nothing from kids
or W.

L

[LuckyLuke]

Hi all,

I am back from Boston and mostly done with the "Your Perfect Right" book, about assertiveness, which this thread and my sitch are about.

So we are driving home from a chicken farm, with buckets of acrid, reeking chicken s*** in the back. Daughter is with. W starts ragging on me about how my mother never was able to run a tight, clean, household, which I found insulting. What is an appropriate response? We are 5 miles from home and I am driving.

This was a small conflict, and in some sense could be expected (she will rag on me again...). Are there other, tougher, conflicts that might be expected?

I want to take kids for vacations, for example, which costs money (and so the W would get less if we D). I'd like to gird myself in advance. The out loud rehearsal of a scenario and a response to it feels helpful.

The biggie will be that I am sleeping upstairs when son is here.

Do you have other 'commandments' for me regarding the kids? I found the 'separate W and kids in your head' very useful, as well as to be in touch with them every day (which I am now - thanks - and it is wonderful and feels right).

Gratefully - Luke

[AnotherStander]

W starts ragging on me about how my mother never was able to run a tight, clean, household, which I found insulting. What is an appropriate response?

"It sounds like you're angry about my mom, is that how you feel?" Validation. Seek to understand her feelings. Validation is not agreeing or disagreeing, it's just letting her know that you ackowledge her feelings. In RetroV they teach that when things like this come up you don't push to discuss the subject matter, you discuss the feelings and try to work through those feelings- to talk about them and determine how strong or weak they are.

[MrBond]

I found this late so can't offer any suggestions about what to do on the drive. HOWEVER, I will note that timing is everything. If she is talking sh*t about your family or anything that you find is disrespectful, hold up your hand and tell her that she is being very disrespectful and would appreciate it if she would stop. If she continues, you tell her that if she doesn't stop you will drop her off the side of the road. You have to strike right then and there and not wait till later because the impact would be gone.

I remember telling my W the same things before. She looked at me with shock and became the nicest person around for the rest of the day.

[Pudmuddle]

Agree with MrB. People often think their emotions coming out in their words means they are being honest and don't often realize it comes across as mean. Just because you think something or feel something doesn't mean you have to say it. That is the one thing we have under our control, our instincts.

This is something I am working on too. I didn't see myself as being mean, just sticking up for myself and being honest, but I came across as negative, naggy, mean.