Some good news as far as my stepkids!!! W called me again; she has been really funny about me seeing step-kids, saying that I won't be a part of their life going forward. She has a lady watch them for a couple of hours on Wednesday afternoon because she works later. She asked me if I wanted take over Wednesdays and the kids would get to see me and vice versa. My first thought was cake-eating: but this lady will still do it, and W only gives her like $5.00. This is so odd - if we're getting divorced, and not going to be a part of each other's lives, why have me start hanging with the kids? She actually even said maybe we could do dinner, but only as a FAMILY. Again, are we a family? Not sure how I feel about this whole thing, but if it means I get to see my kiddos, I don't really care if she eats dinner or not.
Also, she dropped something off at the house, and I had the garage open, and she called me and was like, "You really did a nice job with the garage - it's so neat and organized, and it's all roomy."
Sheesh, this woman.
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Moving on, it's time to get off the rollercoaster, so here goes. I need to stick with my new topic, "Digging In".
I talked with my friend the other day about the whole "going dark" thing, and they suggested setting a goal of a month, minimum - since a week had good results, and especially since it seems like W is running out of excuses.
So that's my goal I set right now, and record it in public for all of you to see and slap me around on it. Zero contact initiated by me for a month - October 24th. If W contacts me, I will be polite, quick, and off the phone. Of course, once a month is up, I'm not necessarily gonna start contacting again; just was a date to pick, and then check on things. Even if W wants to do the Wednesday family thing, I will have zero contact outside of that.
I have even decided minimal texting. If she texts me, I will have a two text limit and I will then call and, if necessary, just leave a voice mail. I also will keep a minimum of an hour buffer or more, unless it's extremely important. Even this morning, W called me twice, but since she didn't leave a voice mail, I waited like 20 minutes to call her back.
Jon, that doesn't really sound like "dark" to me. But I am not the expert. Hopefully a vet will chime in. At best it might be more distant that is normal for you. You can't be dark for a month and have family meals on Wednesdays. I am not saying that it won't work for you. I think to be dark you have to have ZERO contact for days at a time and only respond when absolutely necessary. And when you do have to respond be extremely concise ... 1 text and done for another week or whatever. Maybe that's not possible in your situation. I haven't been dark in a long time myself.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
Yeah, I may be misusing "dark" in this context - I meant no contact from Wednesday at 7:30ish until the next Wednesday at 5:45ish. I'll just say extremely dim - 2 hours out of 168 in a week.
What Is it that you do (or don't do) that you equate to going dim? It seems like you are in contact with w every day. Is that you don't jump to respond when your w contacts you? Every situation has enough unique parameters that it is hard to know if I should be taking out a 2x4 here or not. But when you talk about being dark between Wednesdays meetings it just seems odd to me. I think most on here would agree that I am pretty far from being dark, but there have been many times I have gone a week plus with absolutely zero contact. My w and I are scheduled to have drinks on Thursday. We set that up Sunday. If we have zero contact between Sunday and Thursday, do I get 4 days credit for being dark?
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
Yes. Dark, very dim, is a state of mind, to me. It's where you've capably said, "I have achieved dominance over my desire to contact WAS" to satisfy your emotions.
Id your interested in reading more, the article you posted is the shortened version of the book "this is not the story you think it is, a season of unlikely happiness" by laura munson. It was a good read. Really gave me hooe at the time I read it a few months ago. Glad you're still talking to your wife Jon....stay light hearted w/ her and keep your emotions under your control.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Part of being dark is being mysterious and being disinterested in her game. By having that conversation you've confirmed to her that you are still on her hook and that she has some power over you.
If you have to have a conversation, just seem distant and somewhat bored, keep it short and just business.
I am not a dark fan. Sometimes the WAS has to know you are solid and there. You can have your own life, go out, GAL and do things. THAT's what makes you unavailable.
But saying that you have to look at how you were before. Were you always available to her or more distant? In my case I was distant, so I 180'd it and it worked for me.
Jon, if your W says "if" it's a good step, but she's not ready. Continue with your own life where she sees that her coming back is an addition to your wonderful life, not the cause to your life being wonderful.
In my version of "dark" I let H initiate convos other than kids or finance. I always reply and go where the convo leads. Do what works for you
You are really early on in this. I was the LBS and didn't know my own mind a month or so in. Take time...a lot of time here. One thing I've seen is an early reconciliation seems to not have addressed any of the problems, because as humans, we are lazy and it is easy to fall back into the patterns.
Yes. Dark, very dim, is a state of mind, to me. It's where you've capably said, "I have achieved dominance over my desire to contact WAS" to satisfy your emotions.
In DB'ing terms it means zero contact. There have been people here that have gone truly dark- they've had no contact whatsoever with their spouse for weeks or even months. As KP warns, this is risky because if the LBS was cold and distant in the M (as often is the case as perceived by the WAS) then going dark just looks like "more of the same" to the WAS.
For LBS's with kids, going dark is usually not sustainable. So they go "dim"- they still have some contact but keep it strictly kid-related. Short, businesslike and to the point. No chatting, no getting together for meals, etc.
You are right. If you were a distant, cold person, going dark is probably not a smart move unless a situation specifically calls for it. I think that's why people use words like "dim" - it's semantics, but I think it's important to be clear.
My W felt like I didn't care about her, etc, so going completely dark is a mistake. However, I know she needs time and space to clear her head, and she is battling against her feelings, so I've got to let that play out.
Going dark for me helped break the irresistible urge to text/call W. I don't go out of my way to contact her unless its for a specific reason, i.e. legal reasons.
Many have pointed out that I haven't truly gone dark for a long period of time - but with the kids involved I don't know that I ever truly could; so it's as dim as possible.
Zero contact initiated by me for a month - October 24th. If W contacts me, I will be polite, quick, and off the phone. Of course, once a month is up, I'm not necessarily gonna start contacting again; just was a date to pick, and then check on things. Even if W wants to do the Wednesday family thing, I will have zero contact outside of that.