We did text a little more later - mostly about next Wednesday. I thanked her for letting the kids come over, and that I appreciated her going from "We're not friends" to coming and hanging out even though things are weird right now.
Man, I see this little odd glimpses of her poking through, bleah! So now, I'm going to not contact at all until next Wednesday. I'm making home-made chicken and dumplings!
When W came in, I was wearing jeans I haven't been able to fit into for a long time (down 22 pounds now). They were the jeans I wore on our first date, and W always said they drove her crazy.
I also was wearing a blue shirt that she said made my eyes all crazy hot, and made her weak at the knees.
I don't know if she's even close to reality, but I bet I messed her up! Workin' it!
You seem to be handling things well. I'm envious. As we learn how to respond and make changes, we're going to make mistakes, but you seem to be learning quickly. It sounds like your children help fill your time. I need to find something as fulfilling.
Well, I'm not as all put together as maybe you get from my posts. I did talk to W about starting out as "friends". She was VERY against it this morning, but wouldn't say no tonight.
I know that I looked good, smelled good, the step-kids love me, and she is VERY confused. I know that friends and family are praying like crazy for her. So, I have made a significant impression on her, and now I believe it is time to go completely dark until next Wednesday. I have bought a couple of weeks legally, so a week of darkness will be perfect. I know that she is struggling financially, that S5 is way more than she can handle, and that every day that goes by is another day for her to lose the "new car smell" of having a new apartment and being alone brings. She's trying to fill it with parties and other friends, but its falling flat.
So you asked her twice today? And who's on the roller coaster?
Do you want her to come back just cause things are difficult? I get it, I had those thoughts too early on, but I want a loving partner, I don't want to be just any port in a storm.
Tell me more about this: "to being a full-time single mom, working 4 days a week, sometimes a 10-hour day, taking care of all the cleaning and cooking. I did a lot of that for her before." Did you see yourself as a partner to your wife in maintaining your home? I'm guessing you lived there, ate there, etc. Or was it her job and you helped her out?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Bug - right now, I'm still on the roller coaster. I'm not gonna try to sugar-coat it. It's getting better. A week from now, I guarantee it'll be better.
I want to just be FRIENDS. We were best friends; there was no one who I would have rather spent time with. But I also know she is still seeking out crappy high school friends she hasn't spoken with for 15+ years, and going to shallow meaningless parties with kids in tow.
Finally, no, I wasn't a partner. I took care of crap because W didn't take care of it. She was too messed up emotionally. Why did I do that? I dunno. Because I believed with medication and counseling, she would become the woman I knew she could be.
So right now, I know she's considering being friends. Thus my reasoning for going dark for a week - let her see for another weekend how shallow her new "best friends" are.
I'm not questioning why you did it, but what you said earlier was you "did a lot of that for her." You lived in the house so it was yours to do just as much as it was hers.
Has she become the woman you knew she could be? From the way you describe her, it doesn't sound like it.
Back off, you both need it. You're all over the place. You go dark for you, it's not to teach the S a lesson or punish, it's to get your sh!t together. You don't have children together so you could go dark until you figure out who you want to be.
What were some of your W's complaints about you? Have you turned those around?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Well, I'm not as all put together as maybe you get from my posts. I did talk to W about starting out as "friends". She was VERY against it this morning, but wouldn't say no tonight.
Brother, stop with the pressure. You're slipping and backsliding. Review Sandi's DB tips every single day until they're burned into your mind.
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I know that I looked good, smelled good, the step-kids love me, and she is VERY confused.
Yes she's confused, but not about the M. She doesn't want the M. What she's confused about is why her emotions are all over the map. She WANTS to be happy outside of the M and she's trying to convince herself she is, but she's still in turmoil and that is confusing her.
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So, I have made a significant impression on her, and now I believe it is time to go completely dark until next Wednesday.
Many of your posts like this one smack of "strategy". Strategies don't work with a WAS. They see right through them. They KNOW why the LBS is implementing strategies and they see them for what they are- tricks to get them back. DB'ing is not about strategies. It's about focusing on YOU. Detaching, GALing. Leaving your W to travel her path. You're not doing this, you're still trying to "wake her up" by strutting around in tight jeans and making contact with her interspersed with your version of "going dark" which rarely lasts more than a couple of days.
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so a week of darkness will be perfect
What exactly does that mean? It will be perfect for what, waking her up? Quit thinking that way, it's going to be many, many more months or a year or more before she comes out of the fog (if she ever does).
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I know that she is struggling financially, that S5 is way more than she can handle, and that every day that goes by is another day for her to lose the "new car smell" of having a new apartment and being alone brings. She's trying to fill it with parties and other friends, but its falling flat.
Take it from the king of mind-readers, that is total mind-reading. I too thought that my W would "wake up" once she moved out. Once she was in her own home and had to do everything herself, once she didn't have me to carry half the workload around the house, once she had the realities of bills and less income and more headaches to address well OF COURSE she would realize what a huge mistake she had made!! Except the opposite has happened, she loves living on her own. She loves having her own place and decorating it with nick-nacks that I would have turned my nose up at. She loves the independence. All of that was a wakeup call for me. I quit waiting for her to "see the light" and really rolled up my sleeves and doubled down on my efforts to be the best me I could be. THAT is where your focus needs to be.
I was going to type a reply but AnotherStander wrote everything that I was thinking.
I just want to add - the talking about being friends or not, that is pursing and will drive her further away. You need to be indifferent and disinterested. You can show interest in the kids of course, but don't question or talk about what kind of relationship you have right now or will have in the future. It just sounds needy and makes it sound like you need some kind of reassurance from her.
I'd almost be careful about the kids. After the way she dumped them off on that other family, she may start taking advantage of you for free babysitting. Have the one day a week reserved is perfect. If you feel the need to see them more, I wouldn't plan it too far in advance and ask just a few hours before. Just my two cents.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
@labug - she's not even close, and she knows it... That's why, even when she wanted to reconcile a couple weeks back, I sort of suggested she stay with the 1 year lease in her apartment, to give us both time. I have changed significantly. W even says it, but doesn't believe that it will last. Apparently, I'm a professional actor since I've been the same for almost 8 straight weeks! There are many more things I can improve, believe me, but I have really asked God to change my heart, and focused on releasing crap that doesn't matter.
AS - thanks. I needed to get a good punch. Not sure if anyone on here is a spiritual person, but I actually was praying this morning, and very clearly felt God saying, "You need to get out of the way if you want me to work!" So, God and you agree!
P.S. My jeans weren't tight, just cool. Guys in tight jeans are gross.
NTX - yep, it's once a week on Wednesdays for about two hours, and W is working, so it's not like I'm taking them so she can go party. But my mindset has shifted. W is not a good parent right now, and she can't handle S5, never has been able to. The kids only get to see their biological dad for 6 weeks in the summer. And none of this is their fault - so if I can be a dad to them, and a place of security for them while W is rattling all over the place, then I think that's a blessing for them. I don't want to play games with them to try to tweak W.
I dunno why I've been so thick about this ~ I've seen many posts that talk about how DBing is counter-intuitive, and it really is. However, it's finally become increasingly clear that my efforts to "connect" are not going anywhere; even though you all have told me about 50 times! It's sort of dumb of me to try to connect when we already have that, even if W is fighting it. W says she loves me, and it's clear that she likes being with me, even hugging me. She admits it. But for whatever reason, she is locking it down so she doesn't feel anything. Maybe back to what AS said about "She WANTS to be happy outside of the M and she's trying to convince herself she is, but she's still in turmoil and that is confusing her."
It's clear now that whatever "block" is in her mind has to come off before anything I say will have any impact, or any time spent together will mean anything, and I'm pretty darned sure that the block is not gonna come off from me yakking at her.
I guess when even God shows me I need to stop, then maybe it's time to listen!
