I think you're using the term "going dark" (which has a specific meaning in DB which doesn't describe what you're doing) to mean "detaching" (which also has a specific meaning in DB that sounds a lot like what you are doing).
Detachment is good. It's necessary to survive this and to become someone only a fool would leave. You are doing a good job of learning to detach.
Do what works for you.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Adinva - thanks, you're right, detaching is probably the right word. I think that's what I meant anyway - in the context of DB/DR, going dark usually does mean an extended period of separation with very little contact. As they say, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder".
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I had a great exchange over Facebook with a mutual friend. W had really latched on to her a few weeks back and basically told her all of our dirty laundry, blamed me for everything. This woman had taken it, hook line and sinker, and actually had bashed ME to some of my closer friends, saying my W should leave, and so on.
I never said a word to this woman, would just smile and talk to her when I saw her - I knew she was getting one side of a story. However, she has seen me love my W through all of this.
She messaged me last night and told me that W just didn't know what she wanted right now. She said she was actually praying for us to have our family back under one roof! She recommended a book for me to read about loving abused people. It was just awesome to me that my changes and GALing and working on me are so obvious externally that a woman who has only heard bad things about me will begin to defend me and pray for me.
Simply awesome to get confirmation - along with 2x4s!
This woman had taken it, hook line and sinker, and actually had bashed ME to some of my closer friends, saying my W should leave, and so on.
I never said a word to this woman, would just smile and talk to her when I saw her - I knew she was getting one side of a story. However, she has seen me love my W through all of this.
PERFECT reaction!! That is exactly what the LBS should do. Don't try to convince anyone otherwise, just SHOW them you're a spouse that only a fool would leave. Sooner or later they will realize that your actions don't align with the stories they're hearing, and they'll start questioning what they hear.
Thanks AS - I wish I was as successful with W, but I'm getting there.
Tomorrow I get to see my stepkids for the first time in a week and a half, and I can barely wait! I love those nerds. I texted W tonight to make sure step-D10 knew I was coming to pick her up after school (she walks to W's apartment after school and lets herself in), and she responded "Yes". So I didn't respond back, not even an OK or thanks. Strictly business for now.
I'm curious if W will stay for dinner or not - she has been extremely tired, has told me more than once, and the times we have talked I can hear the exhaustion in her voice. I think moving, working 3-4 days a week, having kids full-time on top of depression is wearing her down, because it all happened at once. That's a bit of mind-reading/guessing, but interesting thoughts.
What's cool is that I know I am detaching more and more, and just keep lowering my expectations, because although I'm curious and it's popped in my head, I really don't have any expectations of her staying or not - I'm mostly happy to see my kids!
On the flip side, I have been really lonely today; must be obvious because S11 asked me, "Dad, do you get lonely now that W is gone?" What a great kid! I think I've just felt that way because I've been missing the step-kids, and knew they are coming over tomorrow...
Interesting - a very attractive single girl that I met a couple weeks ago, and is a bit younger than me messaged me on Facebook, and we ended up talking for 20 minutes. She is single, never been married, engaged for like 6 years.
It was nice to be honest and up front with someone and have them say NBD - no big deal.
Of course, I'm not one of the folks I see on here that hook up with some floozy and pronounce themselves "fixed", but it was an interesting point to hear her say, "I've seen you with your kids, and you're an awesome person and dad."
I hate to say this because I am not sure it's a good suggestion, but in a weird way it worked for me.
After 2-3 months of separation, I too met a pretty young gal. I was 43 and she was only 29. I knew I wasn't ready for a relationship, but she was special and I didn't know what to do and didn't want to miss my chance. After 2-3 weeks, we luckily fell into the "friend-zone" but what a friend she turned out to be. She gave me a female perspective on my sitch and myself as I learned to detach and GAL. She showed me hot spots and introduced me to things I had never done before. Frankly, I had a freaking blast! I did have trouble keeping up at times because we would sometime stay out until 2-3am on work nights and I had to turn around and get up at 5:30 for work. I handled it pretty well - I guess part of it was the adrenaline and thrill of hanging out with her and her hot friends.
Anyway, sorry, to my point: This young lady ended up being a great, close friend, and helped me go dark and GAL, but more importantly give me the female perspective. She felt some of the same things about her ex-fiancee that my W said she felt about me. That made me realize some of my mistakes, and frankly accelerated my healing and reinventing myself.
As a side effect, even though we weren't dating, it did create a cloud of mystery which would get back to my W. She started hearing I was running around with these young, successful ladies and going to the trendy places in town, and that did have some effect on her.
Oddly enough, now that we are back together, my W insists I stay friends with this gal, and now my W is friends with her too. In fact, my W and I spent this past Saturday afternoon and evening running around town and hanging at her house.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
Well, I'm 35 and this girl was 30 - but she's single, never been married, no kids, and I have a 13 and 11 year old, and can't have any more kids. I'm almost positive it wouldn't develop into a relationship, even if there was a divorce and all that. I even told her a bit about my situation with W, so she knows what's going on.
W got really nasty last night - man, as my rollercoaster smooths out, her rollercoaster seems to get more choppy. She has yo-yoed down to "we're not a family, I don't want us to talk, we're not friends". She even changed and said she didn't want to come in for dinner anymore. Sheesh. This from a woman who a week ago was hugging me, talking about our future, and who yesterday was talking about some things that she would want to happen if we got back together. She also made a point to tell me she was going to go get pictures taken with just her and the step-kids. Gloating, almost...
Then this morning, she called me about needing to pick up some groceries, so she might be a little late getting to the house for dinner. She told me, "Don't go snooping around my apartment when you pick up D10" - and I was like, "I helped you unload some stuff, and you showed me all around it. I already know what your underwear looks like, I'm not gonna be sifting through your drawers."
I did say one thing to her R-related. Whether it's true or not, she feels like everyone in her life has let her down or quit on her - her parents, her ex-husband, friends, etc. That's part of the reason I don't go completely dim. She asked me why I wasn't just signing off on the divorce. I told her, "I'm not against divorce because it's 'sin', or because of some moral code, or I can't let go. The fact of the matter is, you can push me into divorce eventually - I can't stop it. I realize that. I'm against it because I will not be a part of the group of people that quit on you." I know the general rule here is to let them think they've lost you, or you are uninterested, but I think that would have the opposite effect for me. It's been said - she knows it now, I'm not going to keep repeating it or bringing it up.
And actually, after that, she kind of calmed down and started telling me about her new job, and we talked for awhile about more mundane stuff. As we hung up, she said, "I guess I'll come in tonight and we can talk for a little bit more."
Sigh. I'm glad I chose to step off the roller-coaster! It still swings a little bit, but it's usually minutes that I'm thrown off, instead of days...
It sounds to me like you are still heavily involved in each others lives but sleeping in separate buildings.
I'm pulling for you my friend, you can do this.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
Well, I am GALing, believe it or not. Have lost 22 pounds, been going Monday nights to a local brewery with friends, Tuesday night S11's football practice and I work out, Wednesdays I have my kids and will have step-kids now, Thursday more football practice and another workout, and Friday-Sunday I have my kids (XW1 has them Mon, Tues, Thurs). I am working on the house Saturday, taking the kids to the zoo on Sunday, and we are planning our winter vacation!
From a faith standpoint, I firmly believe that W is desperately still fighting God, and losing the battle, and just doing anything she can think of to keep fighting. Today, she literally brought up one time like during the first couple of months we were dating when I found a few pages of poetry she had written. It wasn't even a private journal or diary; but she was like "I don't like it when you mess with my private crap". I was just dumbfounded she would bring up something from like 2.5 years ago! I just said, "I understand that was very personal, and I'm sorry that it happened like that."
I'm really stuck against time - my attorney is filing a request for more time to "review" which will buy us a couple of weeks. Unless W would agree to a stay or a delay, I'll have to file a response and push the divorce out, or I can sign dissolution paperwork, and it'll be over in 30-90 days. I know the general feeling on here is don't help them with D, but don't stop it either. If it wasn't for the pressure of that... I don't know how to proceed honestly.
Lastly, I think it's a huge step that she has allowed the step-kids to start coming over every Wednesday - even while she says "we're not a family". A classic case of actions speaking louder than words. Of course, she could change her mind, that's why tonight is going to be light, no R talk, just kids and chatting.
Man, I feel very scattered! I think I'm going to go take some chill time!
Well, had a good time with the kids. It's obvious that the four kids have been a part awhile. Ds argued, but Ss got along OK. S5 found a little football helmet, and he went with me to S10's football practice and sat and watched them for a few minutes wearing that little helmet - cutest thing ever!
W called me a couple of times to coordinate, and was very grumpy. She DID come in, and stayed longer than I thought she would. The kids were all eating pizza in the kitchen, and I was in the family room, and she actually walked in and sat in a chair in the room with me; talked mostly small talk, about work and stuff. I just told her what the kids did and stuff. She dyed her hair a darker color, and it looks really good, complimented her on it.
She finally left, and told my kids that they could come over whenever - I had to run grab D10s coat, and when I came back out, W rolled down her window and asked me if I wanted to keep the kids again; said it was fine unless I "made her mad", and grinned at me.
She was very tired,and I told her I could tell, and generally asked about her sleep and stuff. She has gone from basically lying around - to being a full-time single mom, working 4 days a week, sometimes a 10-hour day, taking care of all the cleaning and cooking. I did a lot of that for her before. Also, just in the past 6 weeks, S5 has gotten very mouthy and disrespectful. W told me he has been awful. When I met W, and S5 was barely 2, he was out of control, and it took me a year to get him in line.
Anyway, I used to lie in bed with W and massage her hands - one of her favorite things in the world. When we were talking at the car about her being tired, I said, "You know what you need?" and took her hand and massaged it for about 10 seconds. W didn't pull away, just said, "Ah, yes". Then I dropped her hand and said, "See you next Wednesday" and left.
