JonF, sure looks like your on the rollercoaster. Not sure which is worse the idea you see and talk with W alot or like my sitch very little contact with distance between us. Something tells me the distance we have will be better once I am fully take control of me again. I'm definately getting there but it does take some time.....
Anyways, here's something that was given to me several weeks ago when I decided to start walking like a man again......... "Let Go, Let God"
Not sure if anyone on here is a spiritual person, but I actually was praying this morning, and very clearly felt God saying, "You need to get out of the way if you want me to work!" So, God and you agree!
LOL! I haven't had to just learn to have patience with myself and with my sitch, but with God too. After BD I went on a praying binge like none other. All hours of the day and night. Often at times like that it seems like our prayers are not being answered. But eventually I came to understand I was praying for what "I" wanted, and at the time thought I really needed (reconciliation) just to survive. But looking back I can see how damaged I was then, and how a quick reconcilation would not have fixed me. Even though I would never want to go through that again, I do see that it has made me a better person and maybe that's what God had in mind all along. I wish he had found an easier way to break it to me though
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P.S. My jeans weren't tight, just cool.
Hahaha! Point taken
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I dunno why I've been so thick about this ~ I've seen many posts that talk about how DBing is counter-intuitive, and it really is. However, it's finally become increasingly clear that my efforts to "connect" are not going anywhere; even though you all have told me about 50 times!
Hey, it's like the old saying goes, 50th time's a charm! I'm sure we've all done the same, I know I have. Back after BD I was a master of making persuasive arguments about why DB'ing didn't apply to MY sitch, and why smothering my W with attention and affection was a better path. Of course it didn't work, because it was NOT the better path. Sometimes we have to prove it to ourselves before we believe it. It's a good thing it really is a marathon, because that means we have plenty of time to make adjustments and compensate for the backslides.
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But for whatever reason, she is locking it down so she doesn't feel anything. Maybe back to what AS said about "She WANTS to be happy outside of the M and she's trying to convince herself she is, but she's still in turmoil and that is confusing her."
Right, it's sort of a protection mechanism. She's also probably "trying it on" to test her feelings for you, to double-check that the feelings really are gone. My W did a lot of that after BD, there was still a lot of physical contact and even ML.
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It's clear now that whatever "block" is in her mind has to come off before anything I say will have any impact, or any time spent together will mean anything, and I'm pretty darned sure that the block is not gonna come off from me yakking at her.
EXACTLY!! Only she can take the wall down, and it usually happens as slowly as it went up- brick by brick. All you can do is leave her to it, any time you try to intervene she starts putting the bricks back up again.
Rough day today. I feel like I've pretty much come full circle with W, back to crazy land.
But I feel more focused than ever, going dim except kids on Wednesday, and that will be for a few minutes. Also, focusing on detaching. Dropped S11 at practice, meeting a friend at practice to chat.
I honestly miss my wife, I think more so now because I've released her to God, and it feels like giving up.
But I keep telling myself that this truly is the only chance I have at our reconciliation, and God knows what he's doing better than me!
It is extremely difficult to release any control we thought we had... and to give it to God.
We can only control ourselves and that needs to be our focus.
Of course you miss your wife. It is still early in your sitch- everything is raw. LEt yourself feel the pain and then release it. But, one thing I have learned is that neither of you will be the same people on the other side of this. In fact she is evolving and YOU are evolving right now...the question is when you both change into these new people will you be on the same path? Not the same path as before, but a new same path.
Only time will tell. Be patient, try to find the small moments in life to enjoy, GAL when you can, and really try to focus on you!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
I feel much better now. I really focused in on what I was feeling, allowed myself to feel it, and released it. Took S11 to football practice and then went and got some pizza and brewskis with some new friends.
I've decided to start setting weekly goals for myself - my weight loss is going great, I am committed to going dim, but I want to start moving forward.
My first goal is recommitting at work: I've had to take some sick/leave time the last couple weeks - just have been so unmotivated and lethargic. I took the entire day off tomorrow so I can just get re-charged. So 9/30-10/4, my goal is to be working by 7:30am, and be done with all the necessary work by 4:30pm. At 4:30pm, I will stop working, and do whatever I want. Go for a run, read a book, take a nap, etc.
I am going to a chili cook-off with a bunch of guys on Friday, a bonfire at a friend's house on Saturday, and church and the zoo with the kids on Sunday. Gonna be an awesome weekend!
Zero contact with W until maybe Wednesday, and even then, civil, polite, short, and no attempts to engage like I usually do.
I honestly miss my wife, I think more so now because I've released her to God, and it feels like giving up.
DB'ing is counterintuitive. It is right, but it doesn't FEEL right. The reason is when we're happily married, whenever our spouse is distant/ sad/ mad/ etc. the solution is for us to reach out, pursue and build up their self-esteem to bring them back around. But BD is something else entirely and all of those techniques that work in a healthy marriage are the OPPOSITE of what you should do in a dead marriage. It's just really hard to rewire our brains though.
And like Turtle said, it's important to process the pain properly. Too many people convert pain into anger towards their WAS and their own healing slows to a crawl or completely stops.
Sounds like you've got some good GAL activities coming up this weekend, good! Keep it up!
Just following along... Its important to get back to work, it will help keep your mind busy and off your M for awhile. I try not to "allow" myself to think about my R during "office hours". It doesn't always work, as I find myself on here often. But, its a goal and I keep working towards it.
Good for you to have such a GREAT weekend planned. Enjoy!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Thanks for the encouragement AS and magic. I have made such resolutions before and fell through, but even though it's sad, I know I can do it this time.
W has always had what we called "her movie crush" with Norman Reedus who plays Daryl on the Walking Dead tv show (mine is Charlize Theron). She got to see him at a convention a few days ago, and sent me a picture this morning she took with him, and teased me, "Dont be jealous".
I had like 15 jokes or comments that sprung to mind, then it struck me that its not necessary to respond. So I didn't.
I'm just chiming in with the others, you are getting great advice here.
It's weird, when I was in your shoes two years ago, this advice didn't make sense at all, and I tried to mind read and cling to every word and interaction with my W hoping for some glimmer of hope.
But now that I've made it through the other side, this all makes sense now and it actually works.
Early in my sitch, I hoped for a quick fix, I hoped she would see the madness and come running home. But now that I am wiser, I know that would have been a big mistake, we would have eventually gone right back to our "old" marriage which I can see now wasn't working. And now I know I don't WANT that old marriage.
The year apart was crucial, my wife and I both needed to grow up some, learn about ourselves, and have new experiences and make new friends. We both went to counseling (not together). I went a lot more than her and I learned so much about who I am and how to work on problems constructively.
And as an added bonus, I implemented some great projects at work that still are making me a hero here, I got into way better shape, and I met some new friends that are in my and W's life now.
So hang in there, learn about you, and try to enjoy this time alone. We are rooting for you!
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
I'm just chiming in with the others, you are getting great advice here.
It's weird, when I was in your shoes two years ago, this advice didn't make sense at all, and I tried to mind read and cling to every word and interaction with my W hoping for some glimmer of hope.
But now that I've made it through the other side, this all makes sense now and it actually works.
Early in my sitch, I hoped for a quick fix, I hoped she would see the madness and come running home. But now that I am wiser, I know that would have been a big mistake, we would have eventually gone right back to our "old" marriage which I can see now wasn't working. And now I know I don't WANT that old marriage.
The year apart was crucial, my wife and I both needed to grow up some, learn about ourselves, and have new experiences and make new friends. We both went to counseling (not together). I went a lot more than her and I learned so much about who I am and how to work on problems constructively.
And as an added bonus, I implemented some great projects at work that still are making me a hero here, I got into way better shape, and I met some new friends that are in my and W's life now.
So hang in there, learn about you, and try to enjoy this time alone. We are rooting for you!
