She was rude to me via text and I simply said, "You are welcome to contact me when you can be polite.". Then I stopped texting. I later was nice and dropped off an important piece of mail later and let her know. She ignored me, and when we picked up our kids today, she drove by real snotty; she usually pulls up and lets S5 wave. She will do that expecting me to text her and apologize and accommodate, but I won't until she speaks respectfully. Its scary when you are feeling like you're walking a tightrope. But I guarantee if done as a man, not a jerk, any woman will respect it, even if they throw a fit.
W is going to get her first taste of me contacting only for important stuff, and not taking her crap. I will do it with respect for her as my wife, and I won't attempt any control. So either she's worth something and will see a man deserving respect or she's a total waste of time and will be walk further away. Now, I get to see.
Just realized I hit 48 hours of extremely dim, and letting W go. I initiated one contact about an insurance paper, which I thought might be important, but it was a short text.
W sent me a picture of her, didn't respond. She texted me later about getting her piano, and was disrespectful, so I ended that convo. Have heard anything since. I know 48 hours is a blip, but I'm just reminding myself baby steps.
I was certain she'd try to take away me seeing stepkidd, but so far nothing...
She's invited to a mutual friends bonfire tonight, but would be shocked if she showed up. If she does, its PMA, and I won't initiate any chatting.
Struggling a lot with anger these days, really don't want to go down that path, so just putting feelings out here.
Jon. What would it be like if you had 48 hours actual zero contact? What if you let the piano issue wait for a few days, did not respond to her requests at all, did not drop off letters, waited a few days on the insurance,... Try and do 48 hours even when there seem to be business issues that need to be tended to... What do you think would happen? Have you already had 48 hours where nothing came up? Could you wait an extra day if something did come up? Since you backing off like you do it seems to work for you, could you step it up?
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
Sure. Assuming W doesn't come to cookout tonight, I won't need to see her until Wednesday when she gets kids, so at least 4 days. Even then, I'm planning on being on my riding mower when she gets there, so she'll have to go out of her way to come see me if she wants to talk.
I am still having sad moments when stuff comes up that we would do, but the detaching is really starting to kick in. Certainly a long ways to go, but feeling stronger.
W is going to get her first taste of me contacting only for important stuff, and not taking her crap. I will do it with respect for her as my wife, and I won't attempt any control. So either she's worth something and will see a man deserving respect or she's a total waste of time and will be walk further away. Now, I get to see.
Jon, detachment isn't something you do out of hostility. And it's not something you do to teach the WAS a lesson. It's something you do to save yourself. Your above comment and your comment about staying on the mower when she comes by tells me you are not detached, you are still trying to do things to control her. You're still trying to snap her out of it, to teach her a lesson. But there are no quick fixes for a WAS, there is absolutely nothing you can do that will speed her along her journey. MWD uses the term "loving detachment" in some of her writings, she didn't say that in DR that I can recall but I wish she had because if "loving" were always placed in front of "detachment" then people would have a much more appropriate idea of what detachment is. It's not being cold and indifferent, it's just removing yourself from the roller coaster so that you're no longer affected by her mood swings. You retain your PMA no matter what she's going through. You said you're struggling with anger, I'm glad you recognize it because I do hear it in your posts. You're not going to get relief by trying to control her, you've got to reach within to deal with the pain that is causing your anger. Not sure if anyone has suggested The Happiness Trap to you, but it helped me a lot in understanding and dealing with my emotions.
I for sure think you need to go dim, but just remember it's for you and stick to it regardless of how your W reacts to it.
I am angry - furious even. I think the LBS fog is lifting, and it hit me today that my W really is a WAS. I think for a long time I kept thinking, "No she loves me and the kids too much, she's always done the right thing morally, she loves God, she won't really do something like this". But then I had to just kinda face the truth: at least right now, she's a lying flaky horrible person who will hurt everyone around her - she isn't my W.
I also have had like 3 mutual friends approach me - one even apologized today and was in tears because they were supporting W and very much against me, but have seen over the past few weeks how I just was not willing to say bad things about W while she went everywhere blaming me and lying about me.
I will be mowing not to teach W a lesson but because I just can't even stand seeing her right now. It really is for me - and again, not because I'm trying to teach her a lesson, but simply because it's what I need right now.
I dunno - maybe by Wednesday through prayer and focus I'll feel differently.
Man, after an awesome weekend, I feel like I have been rudely introduced into full-time detaching and AS IF living.
On Friday, I went to a guys night chili cookoff with ping-pong and a movie, it was awesome. My shoulder is still sore for 4 hours of ping-pong. Saturday, I enjoyed S11's football game (even though they had an off day), then took a nap, and went to a gathering of friends' bonfire. Finally Sunday, joined in worship at church, then left early and spent several hours at the zoo, hit the mall, and ended up with wings/pizza at our favorite restaurant.
W would've loved the bonfire and was invited, but didn't show up. She was invited to the zoo, but was taking pictures of just her and the step-kids to push in my face (she admitted this). But I had a great time - I was able to enjoy the animals, love on my two kids, and although I missed my step-kids, I had a fantastic time.
It sort of feels like peeling off a scab before it's ready, but my path is becoming clearer without W. It stings a little still, but not the all-consuming stomach-churning crap it was before. It feels good to be done with the nauseating junk!
Now, on to bigger and better things! Every day, I realize I ate so much crap for W, and she never gave a THING; never committed, never loved, never sacrificed. Only when things got tough, she went for an EA, got drunk and made out with a guy and only didn't have a PA because friends dragged her out, ran up $25,000 in debt, and went around telling all my friends I was awful and lying about me.
Although I believe in unconditional love, I would challenge anyone to tell me what I'm waiting for? I'm seriously considering just signing the dissolution and handing it to her, but I don't want to make an emotional decision to close my marriage.
I would say despite all the things she is doing/you are feeling you are not ready to make that decision.
It will be like when they wake up from their fog, it will be like that for you, one day you will just know. So don't do it if you still don't feel there yet.
I admit, I am feeling the same way lately, what am I waiting for? But it's all part of the process of healing, some just take a little longer than others.
Sounds like you had an awesome weekend! I would love to have that kind of stuff going on. I seemed to have lost a lot of my going out friends, because most of them were bitter angry, drink a lot kind of people and that started to get old.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Thanks, 2nd and Pud. W did tell me she wouldn't go hear a pastor we both loved and go to the zoo because she had pictures scheduled. She told me, "It's just the kids and I". She really made a point to understand it was just the three of them - she's a b1tch right now.
Again the fog has lifted. I am $10k in debt, and without her, I'd have $50k in the bank, and that's an extremely low estimate. She gave away $8k that'd I'd have in a retirement fund, and I have the text where she admitted doing it out of spite just to make sure I wouldn't have access to it. I have a 7 minute video I took where she calls my kids jerks, [censored], idiots, then punches me in the face to stop the recording. I would have my Civic with less than 140,000 miles that gets 32mpg, and instead I have an Odyssey I bought for her that gets 20-22mpg that I have to fill up once a week; she took the other car that gets 28mpg because I paid it off for her.
So, I think right now, good bye...
It's so weird to me that the LBS fog is as blinding as the WAS fog...
