Thanks, NTX - glad to see you made it through, and congratulations on your efforts!. I have no expectations at this point, and have mentally prepared myself for a very long haul.
I just actually had to put up a bit of a boundary. I have W's grandmother's piano still in my house, and she texted me demanding a Monday or Friday where she could bring people to come get it.
I replied that I worked those days, but I worked from home Tuesday and Thursday. She said she had movers (one of which is the guy she had an EA with and broke it off), and I simply said that I didn't want people I didn't know in my home, but I'd be happy to help her on either Tuesday or Thursday. She started cussing at me, so I simply said, "Please contact me again when you can speak to me politely." Then I quit responding. She called me an "a$$hole", but I ignored it.
I wasn't nasty, didn't respond to her cussing, and set a boundary. It IS her piano, and it is been passed down to her, and I absolutely think she should have it, but I'm certainly not going to try to take off work to accommodate her demanding a time.
It is a little scary - my head screams at me, "You're gonna ruin any chance you have at reconciling", but my heart says, "It's time to quit rolling over." I remember a very similar scenario with XW1, and our dynamic changed from her demanding and me scurrying to make her happy, to her politely asking permission (and typically getting it).
Oh, and I forgot, down another 2 pounds, 23 total! Within 10 pounds of my first goal. I have a goal pair of pants, and I was able to easily button them. Still a bit snug, but wearable.
I'm about to step up my exercise routine a little, so the next 10 should be a breeze!
On the piano, can you move it into the garage (if you have one) so she can pick it up up whenever she wants? That's what I did with my W's stuff. OM was helping her move and I didn't really want him in the house, so I put the stuff in the garage. If it were me I wouldn't particularly want to be there when they're moving it out.
Great work on losing that weight! I'm actually on the opposite track, I'm on a bulk phase right now so my progress is measured by how much weight I gain Not as easy as it sounds though, because I'm doing a clean bulk which is a lot harder than a dirty bulk (IE, pizza, ice cream, etc.)
That reminded me when W1 left almost 20 years ago. I actually sat in the living room while her friends moved her stuff out.
Let me preface by saying she was not the tidiest person. She kept herself looking good, but cleaning the house was a different story.
Anyhoo, one of the last things she insisted on taking was our new vacuum cleaner. She was like, "oh, and I'm taking this with me too!" I ran to my filing cabinet, and rushed back to her, and said "here, you'll probably need this", as I handed her the owners manual. Even she couldn't hold back a smile.
M-44 W-45 S21,S18,SS16,SD13,S5,D4 M-9y BD- May 2013 Piecing- Dec 2013
I don't want any man who's had any relationship with her, past or present, on my property. Period.
When my w moved out she specifically asked me not to be there. I thought for sure an OM would be there helping her. That was very painful to think about at the time. But I knew that asking about this or complaining about this would just push my w away. To this day I don't know if she was helped by an OM or not. Draw that line if you need to, but my gut says you should let it go. What she is doing is disrespectful for sure. But she will see you as controlling if you try and stop her.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
The boundary is the way she spoke to me. I haven't decided on the garage yet, but that's probably a good plan.
However, nothing will happen until she speaks respectfully. It was a big problem in our marriage so this is a 180 for me to basically stop the conversation when she is rude. Its also the first time I've really stood up to her since BD, so it feels good! I'm not angry or looking for revenge, just calmly stated my case. I even dropped off a piece of mail that came to the house and let W know. No response. Knowing her the way I do, she is probably seething that I pushed back, but I guess that's mind-reading...
Thanks for advice! I almost post my thoughts here for a gut check now!
I respect where you're coming from. I hope to get to the point where I don't have to worry that if I stop taking her crap our marriage will end. Right now she gets it eat cake while I eat crap.
M-44 W-45 S21,S18,SS16,SD13,S5,D4 M-9y BD- May 2013 Piecing- Dec 2013
The boundary is the way she spoke to me. I haven't decided on the garage yet, but that's probably a good plan.
However, nothing will happen until she speaks respectfully. It was a big problem in our marriage so this is a 180 for me to basically stop the conversation when she is rude. Its also the first time I've really stood up to her since BD, so it feels good! I'm not angry or looking for revenge, just calmly stated my case.
I'm working on the same thing too. I just let my W walk all over me before and even more after BD. This has to stop. What exactly did you tell your W when she acts up?
M35 XW34 D5 D4 M 6years T 10years Bomb 5/2013 Joint Petition signed 6/2013 Moved out end of 8/2013 Court Hearing of Joint Petition 9/2013 D finalized in 3 months - no news yet
Not as easy as it sounds though, because I'm doing a clean bulk which is a lot harder than a dirty bulk (IE, pizza, ice cream, etc.)