It's amazing how the balance of control shifts by just putting up a boundary.
I didn't respond to W's texts and she texted me again this AM, and said, "It'd be really nice if you'd acknowledge what I'm asking. Geez". Cracks me up a little that someone can have an EA, leave church, dump her friends, parents, and extended family, and break up a family, but by gosh, it'd be nice if someone acknowledged her!
Now ahe is the one asking nicely, and its crucial to note here that I made no efforts at control. I simply set a clear boundary then went dim, almost dark. Zero contact of any kind except for one email with an overdue bill, and that was sent with no comments. (I didn't want to be on the hook for the bill)
I may or may not respond today; I will have to text her tomorrow to let her know I'm taking kids to the Y, but that will be one text, very matter of fact... It feels good to not feel helpless; and it hasn't flipped to anger or hatred, just simple patience!
I decided to not respond to W. About 5 hours later, she sent just "????". I decided not to respond again.
There's no reason not to at least be civil about it. She's no doubt perceiving this as you exacting some revenge on her for BD. Just reply back and work something out with her, get the silly thing out of your house.
Quote:
I also am going to take S5 and D10 to the YMCA pool on Wednesday so I can just drop them off and not see W - that way I don't have to decide how to act at this point.
You should act "as if" whenever you see her. That means to act as if everything is fine, like you fully accept your sitch and you are OK with it. Also project PMA. Be confident, happy, independent.
Quote:
Interestingly enough, I had a great night - ate dinner with a friend, and went over to another friends house to watch some Monday Night Football. My one friend told me several people pointed out that they noticed I had lost weight, and was funny, relaxed, and just enjoyed hanging around with me. The guy that hosted our Friday night get-together even told my friend "YES! JonF is coming!"
Awesome stuff, that's EXACTLY what you should be projecting around your W as well!
Quote:
In talking with several people, it was my first realization that everyone around me has given up on W.
Don't read anything into that. They're just telling you what they think you want to hear. They'll turn around and do the same with your W.
Quote:
I could walk away right now and everyone that knows us would know it was her
As 25 says, "drop the scorecard".
Quote:
I'm not angry anymore
Be patient with yourself, you're still cycling. It was just 3 days ago that you wrote "I am angry - furious even." I know you want to be "cured" of this, but it's a long journey and you'll cycle back and forth through a full range of emotions. You're not done yet!
It's amazing how the balance of control shifts by just putting up a boundary.
"Control"?
Quote:
I didn't respond to W's texts and she texted me again this AM, and said, "It'd be really nice if you'd acknowledge what I'm asking. Geez". Cracks me up a little that someone can have an EA, leave church, dump her friends, parents, and extended family, and break up a family, but by gosh, it'd be nice if someone acknowledged her!
You sound just a little too gleeful about this, like you're finally getting one over on her. You need to really search your heart on this. Feeling a need for revenge is not going to help you along your path.
Quote:
Now ahe is the one asking nicely, and its crucial to note here that I made no efforts at control.
And yet, what did you say above? That you shifted the balance of "control"? I do think you're trying to control her.
Quote:
I may or may not respond today
Quit holding the piano over her head. Get it done and over with.
I agree with the others.... she is now asking "politely", why can't/won't you just respond? Are you trying to "contro" a situation?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Easy guys, don't beat me up yet! I actually did text her back this AM - I have been reaching out to some friends because, even with working out, I can't move a piano by myself! Just told her it would have to be next week, and she said that was fine. Also, I am not interested in control, other than control of myself - it was just an observation that when I stopped letting her push me around, things very quickly changed in her demeanor.
W then asked me if I had signed her dissolution (which I had already said I wasn't going to) - and I just said no. She was mad about it, and initiated a bit of R talk. I told her I couldn't sign it because it was wrong. She said I had two years to do the "right thing", it was too late, she's moving on, etc, etc, standard script. One thing that is different is the excuses she has for divorce are running pretty thin because of my DBing. I know I vent and spazz out on here sometimes, but have been pretty calm and collected with W.
She said, "You can't stop me from divorcing you", and I said, "You're right. I'm simply doing the right thing and not quitting on you as I promised."
I felt like a DB champ instead of a DB chump (don't laugh)! I validated, told her I was sorry she felt so badly, that I understood her fears, that I regretted that things had been in bad shape. She told me she couldn't believe me when I said things, and I responded that made sense, that's why I was willing to show actions.
Then I said, "If you want to discuss further, you're welcome to call me later, but I have a meeting now. Have a nice day."
No response, but I'm pretty happy. I know I probably didn't do perfectly, but my first real R conversation where there was no trying to change her mind, no feeling queasy, etc. Just calm clear responses for the first time in almost 2 months.
Hey Jon. I think that you are mostly doing great.. There are a couple of things that might have a huge effect in the wrong direction. Unfortunately not signing dissolution papers because you are standing for the marriage is getting in the way of the D. This will push her to want it more. You could slow it down by having an lawyer look at it or whatever. Be busy, be unavailable.... But I think you need to come across like you are going to allow it to happen. Again, not getting in the way of the D is a big part of DBing
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
I actually did text her back this AM - I have been reaching out to some friends because, even with working out, I can't move a piano by myself! Just told her it would have to be next week, and she said that was fine. Also, I am not interested in control, other than control of myself - it was just an observation that when I stopped letting her push me around, things very quickly changed in her demeanor.