He's not 'in love' with me

[AnotherStander]

But I'm struggling to figure out which texts to answer and which to ignore.

The DB'ing rule of thumb is to answer some messages right away, others after an hour or more, and others not at all (assuming they're unimportant). The idea is to make him see you've got your own life and are busy living it, you're not waiting around for him.

I'm also not sure what to say to the marriage counsellor. I don't want my husband to know I want him back because this will push him away. Do I tell the marriage counsellor that I'm continuing therapy because I want to keep our relationship amicable?

You'll see it said around here often that you should not go to MC with a WAS because they're only doing it to cross it off their list of "things I did to try and save the M but that just proved it really is dead". If you go, my advice is not to say anything. Just let your H do all the talking.

Our relationship was very mother/child. He had no responsibilities. I was always so angry with him. I used to shout at him in public. I wanted to know everything he was doing. I wanted to be in charge of everything. I had an opinion on everything and always had to be right. I can see now how destructive my behaviour was. I've really worked on my part in the marriage.

You're right, it's very destructive. You removed him from participating in the family and the M. Lots of resentment builds in sitches like that. It's good you're working on it, but please understand it takes months and months before the changed behavior takes root and gets noticed by the WAS. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

I'm working on getting a life. I've joined a singing group. I'm planning to start sign language lessons, something we had always planned to do as a family. I'm training for a marathon. I'm going out with friends and trying to have fun with my kids.

Excellent! Keep it all up!

I'm managing to stay friendly towards him every time I see him, pleasant on the phone. I look great whenever he's about, and most of the time when he's not. I don't answer all of his calls or messages, or I wait a few hours. I listen intently when he's telling me a story. I never ask where he's been or what he's doing. I don't bring up the affair our marriage or reconciliation. I never initiate a conversation and I don't contact him unless its about the kids and only then when it's urgent. I tell him not to feel bad when he shows guilt. I end all conversations before him, trying my best not to come across as rude.

Also all great stuff! But be patient, like I said above it takes a long time for the WAS to accept these changes are real and not just tricks to get them back after which you'll fall back into old habits.

But I miss him so much now. I just want him back.

Stick to your GAL efforts. These feelings of needing to reach out to him will fade over time, you'll get more comfortable with your "new normal". Just be patient with yourself.

[CallaghanClown]

Thanks everyone. I'll try to deflect any questions from the MC and let WAS do all the talking. Yes it may be just him ticking it off the list of things he tried, but he's the one that wants it. If he's just play acting I'll have to deal with that tomorrow and suggest we save the money. I'm getting IC FOC thanks to my mummy's health insurance.

[CallaghanClown]

Well he turned up to MC....first shock. He proceeded to explain to the counsellor that he didn't know who he was. That 36 year kids know who they are and he didn't. That he spend every night missing his family but that his feelings has changed towards me.

I validated his feelings as did the MC but we both asked why he wanted to continue MC if he was sure it was over. He said he thought it would help.

I backslide a lot afterwards when me and my husband sat and spoke about finances. He said he'd get a two bed apartment and decorate a room for the kids. I said it was too soon to think that far ahead. He continued, I asked him to stop, then i cried. I really tried not to, and I've not cried much at all, but I just couldn't hold it in. Im nowhere near ready for him to have them overnight, let alone decorated a room for them.

We're talking about a suicidal MLC'er here with two small children. Over his cold body!

[CallaghanClown]

I've been doing a lot of reading today and I'm wondering if there is any merit in part of it.

One of the issues in my marriage was that I treated him like a child and he acted like one. He had very little responsibility and often didn't live up to even that. This got worse as the years went on. I think he felt emasculated.

He's been offering to do work for me around the house and garden. Two things he would never do before. But I've been telling him I don't need his help. Do you think I should let him help me, even encourage it? This feels like a 180 and that it will help him fulfil his masculine role within the family?

[CallaghanClown]

He's taken his ring off. I think I need NC. I'm just not doing good with letting him do whatever he wants. I suspect he's still with his OW. I'm trying to concentrate on myself but I think he's lying to me, I don't want to be around a liar anymore. For my own mental health I think I need to pull back further.

[CallaghanClown]

My anxiety got so bad last night I was being physically sick, not great when you've not eaten a full meal in 5 weeks. Called my counsellor and I feel so much better. He's adviced that I need to stop feeling guilty and concentrate on myself. This includes stopping MC and going dark.

I'm not sure how I'm going to manage this with the kids but I'll take my time and withdraw gradually.

[CallaghanClown]

I've been so snappy this weekend. The kids have been so emotional and it's hard being the only one dealing with everything every day. I'm so tired from not sleeping, I'm still not eating, although I've eaten more today than in a long time.

I'm just so confused. I know he's depressed, having a MLC but how the hell can he throw away 10 years together. He's chasing every girl he sees as far I I've heard. I feel so humiliated. This is so far out of character I just don't know what to do, or say. He's a stranger to me.

He wants to stay friends. I'm not his bloody friend, I'm his wife. I would never stay friends with someone that lies to me.

I tried to leave him to have some fun with the kids the other day and he snapped at me "I thought you wanted family time". Because the girls got upset, I stayed for a while to play, but I soon left quietly without a fuss. I don't want family time, I want my family back. He's not my husband, he's an imposter. Handing over my kids to him is going to be so hard, feels like I'm giving them to a stranger, it goes against ever mothers instinct I have.

Having said all this, I want to save my marriage. I love him, the him that didn't lie, didn't cheat, didn't chase barely legal little girls around to boost his ego, the guy that would do anything to help someone, the guy that you could depend on, the guy that didn't have an ego.....

Since the MLC he started paying attention to his kids, which is lovely, but means I have to see him, listen to him every night on the phone or at my house. It's really not helping me go dim. Any advice?

[CallaghanClown]

Feeling much better today. Detachment is an uphill struggle that I feel I'm winning today. It's not about no contact it's about not caring about what he does or doesn't say when I do have to have contact with him. We have kids together, I'm going to have to have contact with him for the rest of my life. The sooner I except that the better.

I've been reading up on MLC and its becoming clearer that this is the situation I'm in. I've had 3 bailiffs at the door today, so I'm guessing its not just the affair that he's been hiding. This explains why there is no money in our account.

I need to deal with the guilt of abandoning him, while he's so ill. But I know that I can't fix him, I can't fix anyone. By trying to fix him, I'm trying to control him, which I don't want to do.

So NC is unrealistic, it's not possible with two small kids. But I've detached from him. I'm learning to validate is feelings but not to believe anything he says and very little of what he does.

I can't help but get excited when he is nice to me, but I know that I shouldn't. He's not of sound mind, he doesn't know how he feels. I just need to concentrate on me and the kids.

I've been looking at the timeline of his MLC. Initially I stupidly thought this started the day he started the affair, however now I understand that it has been going on for 1.5/2 years.

This is when we moved to a new area and he felt under pressure to bring money into the house, he'd never done that before. Then he had to take a part time job because his business was failing. Then I started suffering from depression, which he'd suffered from for years but refused to address, and he wasn't capable of being supportive. I then lost my job and he became the breadwinner. At first he refused to work, then slowly I helped him build his business up and he became successful. But he frequently let customers down and the business often dipped, until I found new customers and the cycle would continue. Around this time he became suicidal. He'd often be incoherent, confused and withdrawn, I became his full time carer, I lived my life by his moods.

I frequently stopped helping him, got angry, sad, cried, yelled, pleaded and then built the business up again. Nothing ever changed. Then suddenly he bought into a successful company and I offered support from home. He started working all hours of the day and night with two of his friends. He started bringing in regular money. I was so happy I gave him a free reign to build his business himself, I trusted him implicitly. The fact his two friends have divorced and now have very young girlfriends never bothered me, I never expected him to ever cheat.

I do believe this all stems from his childhood. As do my issues with control and fixing people.

[Preggonomore]

Callaghan, you just described my H. He is also suicidal and its awful how those guys don't take into consideration how this whole MLC affects the little ones. They are strangers, aren't they? My H is an impostor as well. I don't know this man.

But let me tell you something: ever since I started to detach and not let my feelings take over every interaction, I feel my self esteem go up and feel more sane and serene. I highly recommend. Whether we will get our H's back, or the men that we knew, back, I'm not sure, but the feeling of peace is priceless.

[Mimi00]

You seem to be handling things well.
Your sitch kind of reminds me of the book "this is not the story you think it is, a season of unlikely happiness" by Laura Munson....you may want to check that out if you have the time.

Continue to focus on you and the kids. Keep up a positive attitude. All the best to you!