Husband wants divorce, after my affair revealed,

[MrBond]

I'm going to be honest here. If you want the situation to change, I hope you can understand that this isn't meant as a criticism but to get you to think.

"The decisions my husband is making right now effect his employment status and future employability. That would not be good for our children financially or emotionally. The fallout would be intense."

What you don't seem to understand is that YOU caused all this. These are the consequences of YOUR actions.

"The emotional pain of this awful. I want him "outed" for having affair with his employee."

It's not an affair. YOU had the affair which made him want to D you. That is a consequence of YOUR action. Stop blameshifting.

"He is trying to whittle me down on financial aspect of divorce, bc he is planning on marrying this employee."

Again, that is a result of YOUR action. Stop blameshifting.

I don't think you actually realize this fully.

[Flo]

I just want you all to know that I re-read your posts when I need encouragment. Thank you to cat o4 and love the hub and sandi2 and cbtdad especially. I don't really Get the mechanics of this message board, so I hope you all see this, but THANK YOU for sharing your wisdom with me. It is still helping me.
I am only able to consider one day at a time,. I would like to private message some of you, let me know if that is possible please.

[lovethehub]

Flo,
To the best of my knowledge we are not allowed to give out any identifying info on here so I don't know how to go about making that possible.

[Flo]

Hi Sandi2 and all
I am dbing again.
Husband doesn't want to take our three kids for weekend ever it seems. He wants to come here and pick each kid up individually and spend time with them, and then go back to his house. Kind of cherry pick the weekend. My thoughts are

1)If he never has all the kids at the same time for overnights, he isn't going to see what his divorced life will be like (he has to feed them, do hw, laundry, three sets of needs at one time etc). It is a false view of the future. I don't think he knows how much work it is with or without a spouse.

2)Frankly, I don't want his weekend free to spend time w OW. If he has our kids he can't see her.

3)But I also don't want him to think I am asking him to take kids for weekend bc I want to spend time w OM. (I am not)

4)But if he spends time with kids, I will have a chance to be kind to him.
Advice please?
Also, to Update:
I am waiting for my prescription for anti-depressants to come. I have never taken them before, and am hoping they will help me stop crying all the time.

[sandi2]

The AD's should help you stop crying all the time. They aren't like a pep pill, but rather they help you feel more normal.

Husband doesn't want to take our three kids for weekend ever it seems. He wants to come here and pick each kid up individually and spend time with them, and then go back to his house. Kind of cherry pick the weekend.

Well, do you mean he keeps one child the entire weekend or goes back and forth getting the next one throughout the weekend?

My suggestion would be to tell him you have made plans and he needs to keep all three or get a sitter. Is there a visitation schedule in place? If not, then do it. Otherwise, it is unfair and you don't know when to expect them to be gone.

Frankly, I don't want his weekend free to spend time w OW. If he has our kids he can't see her.

At least you're honest! However, having all three may be just the excuse he needs to have OW's help. I doubt you want that either. But you know, as much as you would hate it...it might just get his sand castle to fall around him.

But if he spends time with kids, I will have a chance to be kind to him.

Not sure what you mean here. You're not being "kind" by letting him see his own kids. He should be helping co-parent them.

Good luck with the AD's.

Hope you will post often.

[Flo]

Thanks Sandi

AD's are coming from mail order pharmacy so I am stalking mailman:)

H's plan for this weekend is for the kids to stay with me and he will take them on outings, to sports activities etc, and then bring them back to me. So I am still "on duty" and he doesn't have to deal with all of them at once. He also can see OW all night and still feel like a "good dad" bc he saw kids this weekend.

If he is dropping them off and picking them up from house though, I have a chance to say a couple of nice things to him is what I meant by "be kind". I want him to see our kids, no desire to mess that up.

My H would not bring OW around our kids bc they know her well and hate her. So if he had the kids he would at least be locked up for the weekend:) He is OW direct supervisor so he sees her everyday at work

We will have a child sharing schedule, but not until we are divorced. So we are w

So....with those explanations, do I tell him "you are taking the kids this weekend" because you are their Dad and need to do that occasionally, or am I "nice" and let him do what he wants.

I don't know how to navigate the stance of "I want to save my marriage and divorce bust" with the fact that he is divorcing me and I have to protect myself and kids.
Thanks for any advice you have!
I am thankful for this board, and am praising God in the storm.

[sandi2]

So....with those explanations, do I tell him "you are taking the kids this weekend" because you are their Dad and need to do that occasionally, or am I "nice" and let him do what he wants.

If you tell him he needs to see his kids.....it sounds like you are dictating to him and adding guilt(much like a mother can do). You don't want him to think of you as his parent. That really turns the WAS off.

As you've read before, you cannot control him. If you start telling him what he needs to do....he hears "control" in it. But you can tell him that you will be out on such & such weekend and plan to leave the kids with him. Maybe that's not much better than what you originally thought of saying, I'm not the best at wording things myself. If he complains or acts like a jerk, then tell him to sit down with you to work up a schedule of when he wants to have them.

As a former WAS myself, I think he may notice you not staying home all the time to care for his children while he plays around, faster than you trying to be nice to him the few seconds you get whenever he decides to drop by. But that's just me.

[Flo]

Mr Bond, I didn't like your input very much, and see you "ice bath" a lot of people on these boards. BUT!I see that there is truth in what you wrote, and it tempers my anger toward my husband. I am responsible for breaking my marriage vows. I am responsible for smashing my family with my infidelity. I am responsible for the horrible pain I caused my husband. But I am not responsible for him returning the favor, by having an affair (we are still married) and exposing our children to it on a daily basis. And his affair is now causing me pain, and making db ing and simultaneous divorce settlement negotiations hard.
So my question for you, since you seem to have the gift of tough love :), I see I need to "detach" from him more. In my heart. How do I actually do that? Do I just fake my detachment in front of him when we overlap with kids, soccer, church, school etc?
Right now I am kind of in jealous wife mode, and it is poisonous. I can see that