NEW LIFE / NEW ME - TAKING OFF!

[sandi2]

I will follow your advice and invite W to my home on Saturday afternoon around 3PM.

It was just a suggestion. If you are not ready to have her over, then plan to meet for refreshments somewhere....or some of your other ideas you had.

[Fartiltre]

I received a text from W around 8AM this morning telling me that D6 was ill (nothing major, just a stomach ache) and staying at home. I didn’t reply but called 3-4 hours later to hear how she was doing and to talk with her. D6 actually came to the phone this time and we talked for a short while.
At this time I didn’t feel like inviting W over so I didn’t.

I have been working some wood all day but in the afternoon I drove to town to get groceries and at the supermarket I ran into W and D6. D6 saw me first and came running so I just sat down and hugged her and talked a little. Then I stood up and gave W a loose hug and a smile. Back on the floor talking further with D6. I told her that I had been considering to pick her up this afternoon and do something with her since W was working at home. (Properly not that smart but I had been thinking about it and it just flew out my mouth) She immediately replied that she wanted to go with me. I had to tell her no since she and W was on the way to pick up D4 and then home for dinner and the Friday evening routine. She asked 2-3 times more if she could come home with me and then I said: “No, but you can take mom and D4 tomorrow and then we can make hot buns and lemonade and enjoy ourselves for some hours”
Then a few minutes more talking and then W picked up and asked if it was at 3PM and we agreed on that. Major goodbye hug to D6 and a big smile to W and then I left.

So it is arranged!

I felt good at the meet up today. Better eye-contact, smiling and so on – but not that much focus on W anyway.

It was just a suggestion. If you are not ready to have her over, then plan to meet for refreshments somewhere....or some of your other ideas you had.

I know! But I have been thinking about it and I don’t think I will be ready for this soon. I will have to face this sooner or later.

[Fartiltre]

W called three times in a row around 2PM. I called back and she asked if they could come earlier since they had planned to visit neighbors but they were not at home.
They arrived at 2.15PM

We baked some buns, did homemade lemonade, D6 cut some flowers in the garden for me, harvested a few carrots, W and D6 played a little while I fooled around with D4, played a videogame all four together and much more….they left at 5.30PM

It was a nice time but there’s an elephant in the room and it’s big.

D6 was crying a lot when they left. She said it was because she didn’t win the videogame but I felt there’s more to it. Either she was tired or just sad about leaving.
D4 told me that she missed me as they left!

The awkward feeling was there at first but much less than usual and almost gone when they left.
It was great to see the Ds and I kept my focus almost entirely on them.
W said she thinks the house looks great and wanted a tour, so I gave her one.
She was very positive and enthusiastic all the time.
When they left she asked the girls if it had been a good time and when they said yes – she said that she thought so as well.
I didn’t hug W when they arrived but she positioned herself so I practically ran in to her when they left. (This is exactly what I did at first in sit – it was like observing myself )
We haven’t discussed anything but children.
She did tell me about some things she wants to do with them and things they have done.
Except the goodbye hug there has been no touching at all.
I do not read anything into her sayings and doing except her wanting more cake.

I believe I was able to keep a high PMA – I have been laughing and smiling a lot. My eye contact still s!cks but it is getting better. I haven’t asked W about anything but the subjects she have brought up and I haven’t initiated anything but children’s-talk.
Writing this I am hurting because it is so obvious that children are supposed to have two parents around them. At the same time I love this woman and it drains me to act this way around her! I just feel like giving her the biggest hug and sitting close to her in the sofa for the entire evening.
I am tired and exhausted right now.

W texted me 15 min after they left “Thanks for a nice afternoon. They both fell asleep in the car :-)”
I didn’t reply to this one.

I will rest for an hour now and then I have GAL to attend.

[hotwheelsaust]

F, just a short note. I think you are still handling all this sitch in the right way and doing it very well. It does seem you W still needs you in her life, she just doesn't know how much and how to go about it.....yet.
You are still so lucky to have her around and contacting you. Look at the other end of the spectrum.

[T1000]

You sound like you are doing good F. The family time went well by the sounds of it. Yes it was hard and wasn't natural but you will get used to it.

Sounds like W maybe saw part of a life she used to have/could have and that is a good thing.

[Fartiltre]

Today has been a bad day!

I was at a cardgame until 3AM last night. Fun and good!
W called me once to ask about a password for something.

I woke up late today and I have been doing nothing for the whole day. I have been missing my family and W so much today and the get-to-gether yesterday properly tricked this.

I am mindreading and focusing on everything but me today. I have been feeling like calling W! I feel like doing all the things I am not supposed to do! I won’t do them! I won’t backslide.

Tomorrow is a new day and I will get my grips back!


I have spoken to S10 today and we will go to the cinema Tuesday. I will text W later and ask if I can pick up D6 as well.

You are still so lucky to have her around and contacting you. Look at the other end of the spectrum.

I understand what you are saying and I do try to look at it this way – still hard seeing her! She just seems shut down and gone!

You sound like you are doing good F. The family time went well by the sounds of it. Yes it was hard and wasn't natural but you will get used to it.
Sounds like W maybe saw part of a life she used to have/could have and that is a good thing.

Today is not a good day but tomorrow will be!
I hope yesterday was good for the Ds and hopefully the sit because right now I do not see it as being good to me. I guess I will now go back to declining invitations and just stay on my path.

Thanks guy’s – for being there!

[hotwheelsaust]

Just typical rollercoaster stuff F. Sometimes I think we need the down days.......don't know why.......maybe for us to continue to improve ourselves.
At least you are not backsliding.

[Fartiltre]

Yesterday was bad but I will make today awesome!

I didn’t text W yesterday about picking up D6. I decided to wait since I was too emotional.
I texted her this morning instead:

M: Good morning. Can I pick up D6 Tuesday if she feels like it?
W: Hey. She is having dinner with a friend and would like to be at my place afterwards. Have a nice day.
M: I forgot about that. Have a nice day
W: :-)

[BKS]

Hey F,

I have just recently learned how to find peoples threads and I found yours today.

I just read through your situation. You are doing great. Better than me with the DBing. Keep it up.

I see that your are having a down day. I was cycling up and down so much at first too. As of late, I have not been doing that as much for some reason. I think it is because I have dropped my expectations to zero and I am mentally prepared for the D.

The cycling will ease up as time goes by. At least that is my experience so far. I am not happy about my situation but, it is what it is and it aint what it aint.

Keep focusing on you and understand that cycling is part of the process. Knowing that will help you see when a down cycle is coming. Knowing when a down cycle is coming helped me accept the fact that it IS just part of the process.

Thank you F for checking in on my thread. I will check in on you later and offer whatever small help that I can.

BKS

[Fartiltre]

W called this morning about three issues.

Before these she wanted to share that D4 isn’t using her diaper these days

First she wanted me to remember to bring some special food to D4s kindergarten on Thursday.
Second she wanted me to know that the doctor will examine D4s eyes once more before she gets the glasses.
Thirdly she wanted me to transfer child support so we had the talk about the bill. She – off course – wants to keep things separate. I also told her that I have asked her about how to share the economics for the 5 months we lived together and that I would like this settled.
I agreed to transferring money now and she will come back on this.

Then she asked if she could come here so we could go over some tools she would like to have. She left in a hurry and she left several items here belonging to her. I told her that we can do that. She wants to come here on a working day without children.
At the same time I addressed that she will have to empty the barn before spring and that I would like my possessions back. She said something about being busy but that she will also look into this.

I ended the call. It was all nice, calm and pleasant.

This only leaves Christmas planning and I will be through the list. I didn’t bring it up today since the timing seemed all wrong.

She has been on my mind constantly since Saturday. I am not feeling that down – just a little sadness and broken love. I need to get her out of my head and put focus back on me. I feel like I lost some control over me after her visit.