The street fair (First Friday) is every month. Last month I didn't speak to her, but she sort of took care of it tonight. Asked me if I was going and I said I was there, so she asked me where I was, and that she was walking down. I hung out with my kids for about a half hour, and walked to meet a group of friends, and she texted me again asking where I was. She found me and walked over and stood by me. I was gonna get a coffee and offered her one, and as we were adding cream, she muttered, "This isn't a date."
Apparently she found out about the hot single chick that had been real flirty with me, and she asked me where my "girlfriend" was, and maybe we were "meant to be". I bit my tongue to not remind her she has hung out more with her EA's family, and I had one conversation.
So I and took S10 and SS5 to get food, and left her there. When I came back she was talking to a bunch of church women, and they were loving on her, so that was good! She also is having coffee Monday with a good friend of mine who actually has had a similar experience to W with an abusive ex-husband. W came back out and talked to me, which I was surprised because all our friends could see her. I then made it a point to tell her I was heading out, and left.
Sort of exhausting, honestly. The stepkids kept begging to spend the night, but I said no, D13 has been having really bad headaches, and S5 has been really bad, and quite honestly I don't think it's fair to be buddying them up with D pending. I did text W and tell her that I wanted to wait until we had everything settled to determine how to handle kids. I don't want this awkward situation where I'm their dad until W hooks up with a new guy, then it's, "Oh this guy is now your dad". Maybe I'm over thinking that...
I was gonna get a coffee and offered her one, and as we were adding cream, she muttered, "This isn't a date."
shrug your shoulders and say "ok". I probably see myself doing just that.
Originally Posted By: JonF
Apparently she found out about the hot single chick that had been real flirty with me, and she asked me where my "girlfriend" was, and maybe we were "meant to be".
Feels good to be noticed, eh? Both parties on top of that. You dog!
Originally Posted By: JonF
I bit my tongue to not remind her she has hung out more with her EA's family, and I had one conversation.
It's not about who's right.
Originally Posted By: JonF
Sort of exhausting, honestly. The stepkids kept begging to spend the night, but I said no, D13 has been having really bad headaches, and S5 has been really bad, and quite honestly I don't think it's fair to be buddying them up with D pending. I did text W and tell her that I wanted to wait until we had everything settled to determine how to handle kids. I don't want this awkward situation where I'm their dad until W hooks up with a new guy, then it's, "Oh this guy is now your dad". Maybe I'm over thinking that...
I don't think you will stop being their 'Dad' and you are over thinking this.
M35 XW34 D5 D4 M 6years T 10years Bomb 5/2013 Joint Petition signed 6/2013 Moved out end of 8/2013 Court Hearing of Joint Petition 9/2013 D finalized in 3 months - no news yet
Since Friday morning, this has been such a whirlwind! First W inviting me over for breakfast, walking around half naked, talking for 2 hours, to seeking me out Friday night at our town fun day - today was more low-key. W texted me to tell me she was taking step-kids into practice some orthodontic stuff on them; I went to S11's football game.
Been thinking a lot tonight: after a Friday where she was very open with me, and said she still wasn't sure about divorce, and hugged me several times, and flirted with me - I don't even know if I want this anymore. I believe wholly in my vows and commitment, but am maybe ready to let her go. I felt this way last week, and waited because a few people said it might be a false alarm, but I still feel that way.
Here's why: W had asked me to watch step-kids so she could go to a mutual friend's birthday party, then she bailed saying she didn't feel good, although she felt fine enough to take kids to pet store, dollar store, and run around. When I found out she wasn't going to go, I asked her to keep S5 because I was going to have 9 kids under the age of 10 + a baby, with only 2 adults. W threw a fit, said I was disappointing S5, that I was putting other "brats" ahead of my own, and she'd see me in court. What I think REALLY was the problem was W wanted a quiet night all to herself, and I completely believe she planned this. I DBed like a champ; explained the situation, told her I understood how she could see it that way, and that if she would work with me to make him behave, I'd consider taking him. I got there, and she was laughing, and joking with S5, and bouncing around, and as soon as I asked her why she didn't feel good, she got real sober, and said her head was hurting really badly, and then she didn't act fun anymore. I guess this is open to interpretation, but I believe she completely faked it because she hasn't had a night with no kids in about 3 weeks. So she ditched a wonderful friend to sit at home and watch TV, and used me to make it happen by threatening divorce.
I am so blessed with tons of friends, beautiful kids, a great extended family, close with God, a fantastic church, a great career - why am I torturing myself hanging around waiting for the slightest positive glance to come my way by someone who blames me for all their problems? Someone who refuses to even put in the slightest bit of effort to fix their own issues? Someone who has treated their family, parents, friends, and husband like dirt? What crosses the line of being a doormat/used, and being a loving patient husband?
You start off every post hanging on her every word, mind reading what she might be thinking or doing, whether she's very open or more low key.
Then the next paragraph is im "ready to let her go"? Please go back and re-read your posts, your all over the place still, and you know what, your supposed to be!!! Its still VERY early in your sitch. STOP trying to figure things out and give yourself, and maybe even her a break.
Its been 4 months!!! FOUR!!!!since the separation. I'm sorry but you have a LONG LONG way to go, im afraid thou that your still too vested in the outcome because your not really detaching yet. That's ok, its gonna take time.
To answer why your "hanging around waiting", its cause you want your marriage to work..........PERIOD, end of story. Your also carrying a fair share of resentment still with comments like "someone who refuses to even put in the slightest" type comments, that too will take more time. I was a wreck myself after 4 months, its to be expected.
You gave several reasons to be happy, but still let the ONE reason continue to bog down your changes. As a matter of fact, what changes are you making for YOU, what got you into trouble in the first place? Still so many of your actions are reactions to her. You have a lot of work to do on yourself, but you are trying to make changes and TELLING her your making them (the ring thing). Do it for yourself cause you need to, not to be noticed.
Your going to make it buddy, really you are. But you need to get a hold of your emotions, stop thinking so much about the outcome of your marriage like you have some kind of say in it right now. You don't!! Either your going to give her the time she needs or your going to push her away further and forever. You CANNOT fix your marriage right now, im sorry, but you can make mistakes to end it. Start preparing yourself that either your going to give this at LEAST another year or your not. There is still no missing you yet, a day or two here and there is still too much in her face, and prevents you from detaching.
Your still trying to convince yourself for the wrong reasons, theres no forgiveness in your tones, just jealousy/resentment/anger at the situation, or her lack of effort in them. There is NO effort on her part!!! She cant miss you and your still trying to make changes to get noticed. Are those really changes? or your way of forcing your input on a situation that's out of your control?
If she hasn't had one day off from the kids in three weeks it is not unreasonable for her to be desperate for a night in, and it's sad that she had to fake a headache to feel deserving of it. Why were you so judgmental about that?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Fly, thanks for the reality check; I am much more likely to release my frustration and crap on here, just to vent; it really doesn't accurately show how I feel day to day. And you're almost completely right on every count.
I'll specifically address your question about changes in me, specifically control, not caring enough about what hurt W, etc:
1. W got mad about me not picking up S5 after planning to. Normally, I would've told her to quit being a drama queen, and to stop making every situation into a fiasco, and then not done it just to make a point to her. This time, I explained how I thought she might have misunderstood my intentions, and then offered a compromise where he could go.
2. I was playing with W's new phone, and she started talking to me about something about work. I had actually started playing it before she started talking. Before, I would've just said, "Look, I was playing this first, and you interrupted. There is no need to be mad." Instead, I closed the phone, set it down, turned to face her, and said, "I'm sorry, that was rude, I'm listening fully to you."
3. If W didn't feel good, I'd be like, "I go to work sick, so you'll have to suck it up." She didn't feel good tonight, and I had all the kids, so I texted her to ask if she wanted a milkshake from the place we were going, and got her one.
Baby steps to be sure, but they were genuine and from the heart, not even practicing DB, although DB showed me the way!
---------------------------------------
I hung out a lot with the kids today, it was a lot of fun. W had been up most of the night with some bad food, so I took them so she could sleep, and man, do those kids love each other. I texted her about a milkshake as mentioned above, and got her one. It was funny - I was joking around, and told her that I deserved a kiss or something for it, and she was like "fine". I about choked. I took the kids back and was helping her fold some laundry as she was feeling a lot better, just chatting, and just leaned over and kissed her. I even paused "going on" to make sure I wasn't forcing it or anything. It's the first time we've kissed in about 6 weeks. I walked out of the room, and was checking on kids, and when I came back, I could see through the crack and she had this big smile on her face. I walked in, and she said, "Doesn't mean I felt anything." Sigh, WASes always spoil the fun. We sat and watched some TV together, and I laid with my head on her lap, and she was OK with it; just laughed with me at the show, and joked around.
She did bring up some D talk with the conference tomorrow; she asked me a few questions about my attorney which was weird, but I figured she'd meet him tomorrow. I said something like this not being the only route, and she said she still would consider dismissing it, but if I were to ask her right then, she'd say no. I told her that seemed odd since she was so adamant about things not working out between us, so what would change her mind, and she said, 'Time. God'. She also said it's gonna take at least a few months, so it's not like we have to rush anything. I just said, "That's cool". I got the kids and left.
We probably should have done a smaller dose of time this weekend, especially with W not feeling well, because I could tell she was getting a little stressed and frustrated with the D talk at the end. Glad I left before she got too peeved. It's weird.
