NEW LIFE / NEW ME - TAKING OFF!

[BKS]

Hey there F,

Just checking in on you. I know what you mean about, "not feeling down-just a little sadness and broken love."

It is a sad time in our (LBS) lives. We just need to understand that cycling is all part of the process.

Get out an GAL and hang out with friends. You are doing great, keep it up and stay positive.

BKS

[Fartiltre]

It has been a nice day today. I picked up S10 this morning and he stayed home since he had the fever yesterday when he went to bed. I have been working some today and he has been with me in the office at home.

I have also cached up with old friends today and in the upcoming weekend I will take the children to visit them. We will stay a night and visit a local Tivoli. That will be nice.

Tomorrow I have yet another appointment at the doctor and afterwards I will pick up the Ds. It will be great seeing them. They will stay two extra days this time and I have taken these off so I am looking forward very much.

W is still very much in my mind but it is getting better and better although detachment seems so long down the road.

An hour after the convo this morning I received a text about lice at school.

W: PS. 6 children’s with lice was sent home yesterday from school. So the hair goes up and gets combed :-) I will tjeck them both to night, so if you can do the same in the weekend it will be great.
Me: Will do

I find it hard to stay dark or even dim. It’s feels like we almost communicate every day. I initiate almost nothing and if I do it is only regarding children or money.
I once again read her text as nice, pleasant and well meant.

You are doing great, keep it up and stay positive.

Thanks for checking in on me again and thanks for the kind words!

[hotwheelsaust]

W is still very much in my mind but it is getting better and better although detachment seems so long down the road.

Pretty well exactly where I am F. It's a long road, but you just have to focus on the positive, the new us.

Sunset, beers, cows and sheep. Take care.

[Fartiltre]

Fell asleep early yesterday and was up around 5.30 this morning.

W called yesterday evening at 22.15 but I was asleep and didn’t see it until this morning. She texted me at 23.10.

No lice this evening :-)
Tasty hour went well
D4 wants to attend gym. Let’s talk about it
Their bag won’t be ready until tomorrow afternoon. I hope that’s OK

Tasty hour is a one-time-event for children aged 5-6 years. They meet up at a gourmet-restaurant without adults and get to taste all kind of strange things, meet the Chef, se the kitchen and so on.

I replied W this morning:
Totally OK
I will be at your place around 14.30

She replied: Top (meaning ok but a bit more jovial and happy)

Before my doctor appointment I picked up bags at W. I was there less than 2 min because I was late for doctor. No hug, no nothing – just a quick pick up. W told me a few things she and the girls will do next week. (Vacation week) I listened and told her that it sounded great.

I picked up the D6 first and she declined girl scouting again but without tears. She just decided to stay with me. Then off for D4. She is asthmatic and didn’t sound well at all.
We attended a quick birthday at neighbor and then home where I decided to call W to hear if the asthma came today or if she had medicated her the last days.
It came today! We talked shortly about her medication and then I told W about the girl scouting.
Then she told me that she was babysitting at mutual friends and her tone of voice was just the sweetest and kindest I have heard in a long time. I know I shouldn’t think about this, but it is hard as a man in love not to! It won’t let it affect my path and I won’t let it confuse me, but this special female voice: slow, low, soft, a little too much air and with an almost sexy touch just does it for me!

Doctors are pleased with my own healing. They tell me that I will properly be just fine in about two weeks.

I need to work this dark/dim thing because the above surely indicates that dark in fact is very light

I am doing just fine again

[Fartiltre]

Another typical day of staying dark

I texted W this morning at 7AM
D4 stays home today. She is quite ill.
I think you forgot to put socks for D6 in the bag. It will be hard for her not to have these.

W called shortly after and we spoke a little about D4s asthma. Then she asked if it would be all right if she put the socks in D6s locker at school. I agreed to that.

Half an hour later I received a text “Socks are in the locker :-)”

At 11AM she calls and asks about D4s health. We talked shortly and she asked if D4 wanted to talk. She did; so W and her chatted for some minutes and then they hung up.

Everytime we talk I try hard to stick to children and money. She seems to be doing the same but still she also tells me about something that she is doing alone or with children. She is sharing a (very) little part of her life.

Otherwise a nice day. Ds and I got apples from the garden and made a huge apple cake. Neighbors came over for coffee and cake.

I also got a call from Ws cousin this evening. He will visit me on Sunday – it will be nice seeing him again.

I am still trying to get the focus back on me. I find it hard!
Other than DBing in general I do not feel I am doing things to “win” back W but I sure am thinking a lot about her and missing her a lot these days. I have been thinking a lot about the changes I have made. Are those truly me or am I just doing things because I want her to know that I am doing great and for her to miss me. After evaluating I have come to the conclusion that I am doing things for me (and children) but at the same time I do hope these things will help my sit.
I think I find myself in a new kind of roller coaster. It is no longer controlled by her sayings or doings. It is now controlled by my own feelings for her and life without my family.

[hotwheelsaust]

I can fully understand your last paragraph F. Yes, we are changing, for us, but in truth, for our W's to see us in a better light and come back.
Have you got to that point yet, where you still want your W back, but really don't know how comfortable it would be anymore? That is how I feel. I have had her gone for so long, it would be like a complete new relationship.
Yes, it is a new kind of rollercoaster ride now. Easier to get off and doesn't go as high anymore. Just simply goes up and down, but now smaller dips.

[sandi2]

Another typical day of staying dark

I think the better term would be closer to "detached" instead of staying dark. About the only way a man can successfully go dark is when there is absolutely no contact of any type from either side. It's like dropping off the face of the earth! A few years ago, I noticed a newcomer using the term "going gray", which was supposed to be his version of not being quite dark. Shortly afterwards, others started referring to the gray....which I'll have to admit, really irritated me for some reason. Isn't it funny how we humans can put so much into how somebody says something? Like, how it made you feel when you heard your W speak in her "sweet" tone of voice?
That's why I have tried to encourage you about the way you or tone you speak to her...and looking into her eyes, etc. You may never know how it affects her.....just as she probably didn't know how hers affected you when she told you about the babysitting. (Or maybe she did! )

I think I find myself in a new kind of roller coaster. It is no longer controlled by her sayings or doings. It is now controlled by my own feelings for her and life without my family.

You've made great strides in the last few weeks. I wish I could tell you that this will all turn out like you want it to, but that's just something none of us know. Do you feel better about yourself and how you are choosing to deal with your stitch?

I have one other question, and please don't get upset b/c I'm just asking. Have you given any thought to going out with another lady sometime in the near future? I mean like just a causal, friendly dinner?

[Fartiltre]

Sandi,

I think the better term would be closer to "detached" instead of staying dark.

Yes, definitely – it was more a joke than a serious statement! I am aware that I can’t go dark.
I am working hard on only contacting her about children or money and I believe I am doing just fine, but W and I still talk most the days.
It seems like our meet-up Saturday has stopped her invitations for now.
I do feel much more relaxed talking to her.

That's why I have tried to encourage you about the way you or tone you speak to her...and looking into her eyes, etc.

When looking at how her tone of voice affected me I really understand this now.
Do you believe that a man’s tone of voice can affect a woman in the same way as the opposite way around?

You've made great strides in the last few weeks. I wish I could tell you that this will all turn out like you want it to, but that's just something none of us know.
Do you feel better about yourself and how you are choosing to deal with your stitch?

Thanks for the kind words – it really means A LOT!
I feel so much better! I feel I have gained some control over me and my life again.
I feel as an attractive, confident manly man again. (W can properly still kill this in a moment) My strength, confidence, self-worth is increasing. I like my new looks and style in clothing.
My worries are shifting from W to more common things like health, finance, time and so on.
Still a very long way to go, but compared to three months ago I can’t even describe the difference. Her moving out and you and others helping me since then have made a humongous difference to me. The last days have been hard but it’s still nothing compared to earlier.

Nobody knows how things will turn out, but the path I am on is definitely the right one for me and for the children. That’s the important part. I also feel this path is the right one if R is ever to happen. I still feel I have a lot of patience left and as long as I can keep my hope up I will continue the waiting.
Unfortunately I don’t see W moving towards me at all, but my sit is still young. I still try to keep my hopes up, but looking at this objectively I believe I need a little miracle – but these do happen.

I am also sorry to admit but the feeling of having something (cake) that she wants is quite nice. I guess I am not supposed to feel this way but still I do.

I have one other question, and please don't get upset b/c I'm just asking. Have you given any thought to going out with another lady sometime in the near future? I mean like just a causal, friendly dinner?

You have to explain this to me: Why would I get upset?

And then the question:
Off course I have – I am a guy! I have also made further thoughts – still a guy
I haven’t done anything towards this, but the considering.

I spoke with my shrink last time about this and she told me to enjoy life. Her words were something like “Well, F – I don’t think you should get hooked up at the moment but I don’t see anything wrong with enjoying life”. (She doesn’t know anything about this forum or DB since I haven’t told her.)
I have been thinking a lot about these words. To be totally honest I would simply love an evening (and night) with a pleasant woman. Sex isn’t that big an issue but good conversation, holding hands, closeness, waking up together and so on I really miss. It’s kind of funny since I pursued W for sex and totally left her dangling on all the other accounts for so long.

One major problem is time! I feel I have been so busy. Either I am a dad focusing on my children or a single guy focusing on GAL with friends, house renovation, reading, work and so on. My weekends until mid-December are booked with at least one thing per weekend.

Another issue if this should be done, is that I don’t know any single lady that I would like to eat a casual dinner with. That’s solvable, but it will take a little time and a shift in the focus I have. I simply don’t look at other women in “that” way. I hope this makes sense.

As I have read these boards this isn’t recommended in general – but I would love to have your opinion!
I understand the possibility of a casual dinner or a night turning in to something else and more. I also realize that I am not even close to being at that point. I still want W back and even if I didn’t I would still need time for me.
Would a casual dinner be good for me at this moment in your opinion?

I haven’t addressed the Christmas issue! Do you have any suggestions on this one after reading about my interactions with W the last week.

[Fartiltre]

It’s Monday and the weekend have been great.
Lots of good GAL with children and just joyful times.

I am still seeing all the little situations where W is supposed to be around and I miss her so much. I can’t see any solution to this but time. I am to the best of my abilities following advice about GAL and focus on me.
There have been no contact at all for some days and I have been OK with that.

This morning I received an e-mail

Hi all
Do you want to come along when D6 has her first tjeck at the school-nurse.
They recommend that we come along.
If so, then se when it fit in to your schedule and let me know. I will book it.
I don’t think we should go on the 22. since she is attending a birthday at 1PM

I hope you enjoy
Say hi to all

PS What time do you plan to drop them off Wednesday

Autosignature.


School nurse is simply a tjeck up on height, weight and so on and nothing important.
Reading this e-mail I saw a Facebook update about her doing some work in her kitchen. I wondered because she normally dosnt post on FB at all and now suddenly a long post about her putting up some shelves and rewarding her self with a steak, salad and wine.
What hit me was that my family was liking and commenting this. My SIL (whom I don’t like and W as well) in fact invited her to visit them.
I need to shake this off and get the focus on my life.


I am going to reply something like.

Hi

Everything is just fine. D4 is still having respiratory issues but it is getting better.

I do not see the need that we both go to see the nurse. I will gladly take D6, but if you would like to see what goes on, then that will be just fine with me.

I expect to drop Ds off around 10.00-10.30AM on Wednesday.

F


Advice?

I have also several times been hit by that nobody is asking about W/sit anymore. Ws cousin visited me yesterday and mentioned nothing about W. I visited 3 mutual friends separately and they mentioned nothing as well. One did ask if I had let the anger go but that’s all.
It feels like everybody knows something that I don’t and my mind has been circling around what W is telling about sit – if anything at all. This anger-thing made me wonder if W thinks I am angry and have been telling this to people that knows me.
Is this a normal feeling? Is it just me? Is it just the sit expanding to friends and family?

I never mention W and I don’t talk about her even if people ask. I have had good convo’s about some of the books I read, the work I do and especially about the children and how they cope.
I guess the answer to this is that since I do not talk about it - people don't ask.
It like the elephant is in the room all the time but nobody points it out. It is not a pleasant feeling to carry around but I don’t know what to do about it.

I talked a lot about children-issues with a local guy yesterday and he said several times that I also need to mind myself. He properly looked right through me but still he said I was doing well and that he likes all the initiatives I have taken about meeting up with or without children. “You are inspiring several people to do the same at the moment.”

Babbling! Over and out!

[hotwheelsaust]

I have also several times been hit by that nobody is asking about W/sit anymore. Ws cousin visited me yesterday and mentioned nothing about W. I visited 3 mutual friends separately and they mentioned nothing as well. One did ask if I had let the anger go but that’s all.
It feels like everybody knows something that I don’t and my mind has been circling around what W is telling about sit – if anything at all. This anger-thing made me wonder if W thinks I am angry and have been telling this to people that knows me.
Is this a normal feeling? Is it just me? Is it just the sit expanding to friends and family?

I never mention W and I don’t talk about her even if people ask. I have had good convo’s about some of the books I read, the work I do and especially about the children and how they cope.
I guess the answer to this is that since I do not talk about it - people don't ask.
It like the elephant is in the room all the time but nobody points it out. It is not a pleasant feeling to carry around but I don’t know what to do about it.

F, I fully understand your feelings on this. I feel the same way, like this big elephant is always following me around. I think the attitude from the family and friends is simple, they really don't want to get so involved in the sitch. Therefore if you are not talking about it, they don't want to talk or hear about it. They might care deep down, but they simply want to view it as "not talked about, not worried about".
My best friend kept saying that to me. "It affects us just as much as it affects you, so stop talking about the sitch" he said. Yeah well, when it affects you, your health and your wellbeing like me, I will let you know, FFS. Really what kind of a friend says that?
Anyway F, I think it is just another thing us LBS's need to deal with. Good work on the weekend and how you are going to reply to the email. I think it is fine.

Sunset, beers, cows and sheep. Getting closer, less than 9 weeks now.