Yes, timing seems important - I look forward (!) to more chances to react assertively, which I hope are coming. Case in point, as I imagine W will ask if I had a chance to think, I will say yes, and then express how I feel, and how that is not acceptable to me. Insults will presumably happen again too...
W is often a negative person - this or that is bad or stupid or other negative adjective - perhaps an MLC is happening (she is 51, and still pretty, but over 50 and hates birthdays...).
Sandi2's point about telling MIL about our marital difficulties should wait until after Christmas (I am back at MIL's house in January), I think, when I am really sure D is happening. My MIL has been so kind and generous and tolerant of my comings and goings (15 years now!) that I want to do this properly. MIL tells me that she loves me, and I guess that I am closer to her in some ways than her daughter (my W does not like or respect her mom).
Presumably the proper thing to do after having told her is then to move out of MIL's house, and take a room somewhere, so that MIL is not caught between me and my W.
No news from W at all. Daughter texted to say she is back from her school trip, and son sent short message too. This relationship building with kids is wonderful - thanks to all who said to text/write/whatever every day.
Should I give W only the one small book that she requested for Christmas?
L
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
These 3-1/2 weeks away from home have been a welcome respite from the problems there, and I want to use them wisely. During them:
o What questions needed answering? o What preparations should have been made? o What actions taken?
I know that I will no longer accept being treated by W as she has done, no matter where that leads. I know that W and kids are separate and are to be treated separately. I know that I can and do assert myself and feel/am better for it.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Should I give W only the one small book that she requested for Christmas?
L
That's 3 months from now. A lot can happen between now and then. Cross that bridge when you come to it.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
and thanks. Yes, good point, a step at a time, and who knows what tomorrow may bring...
For the moment, getting some mutual respect and assertion into our relationship is where the action is at. Following that, given that I no longer choose to live without affection and physical contact, intimacy is the next frontier. The old relationship is dead; long live the new one, whatever it is.
L
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
and thanks. Yes, good point, a step at a time, and who knows what tomorrow may bring...
For the moment, getting some mutual respect and assertion into our relationship is where the action is at. Following that, given that I no longer choose to live without affection and physical contact, intimacy is the next frontier. The old relationship is dead; long live the new one, whatever it is.
L
Don't even think about the next step, just about this step. You don't know what the next step will be once you've taken this one, so it's a waste of energy and time to ponder it.
You don't need to worry about whether she respects you or not. What you need to worry about is if you are respectable. Do you see the difference? You could be the most respectable man in the world and she may still choose to not respect you. Is that then a failure? Of course not.
Your task is not to gain her respect, it is to command and deserve it. Whether or not she gives it is out of your control.
When you are working on you, as in this case, focus on your actions, not so much how others react to your actions.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
and thanks for your posts. Yes, I see the difference between what I do and what others may think about it not necessarily being the same.
My goals are:
o behave assertively, setting proper boundaries, as much as possible. "Your Perfect Right" has been very helpful with this. o develop closer relationships with the kids and my French guy friends. o socialize! GAL!
These are measurable, I think, by my reactions/actions in various situations.
A crazy Santa Ana wind is gusting -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Well Luke, she has been watching your wife talk to you like that for years with no repercussion. She most likely thinks it's acceptable.
Exactly!
Luke, if i told you my 15yo daughter said this to me what do you think my response should be?
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Yes, exactly - I can see what to say to my W, but this is d15 writing.
This is what I think I should say
"daughter name - I am your dad. What you wrote is bossy, ordering me around, without even a please, and I find it disrespectful. Please do not talk to me that way, as I will not accept it. Pa "
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
