Unlearning conflict avoidance 7

[MrBond]

You are way overthinking things. Just live the way you want and grow to be confident so your reactions come out naturally. You can't keep coming here asking for a consensus as to what YOU should do. It's YOUR LIFE.

[KenF]

just saw this quote by Ayn Rand. thought you may like it.

“The question isn’t who is going to let me, it’s who is going to stop me.” — Ayn Rand

[LuckyLuke]

Hi KenF, Mr. Bond,

There were some Roman philosophers who had their funerals celebrated during their lifetime to both prepare themselves for death and to remind themselves to live while they were alive. I was trying to anticipate difficult moments that might come to pass if our relationship can't be rebuilt (there is a book called something like predictable crises of adult life), and to not be quite as surprised by them. Consensus was not the point - collection was.

Yes, I suppose getting strong in myself is the best solution, and being here has been useful for that. I'll be back in Sweden on Sunday morning - will see where things are at then.

The idea of writing down my beliefs is good - thank you -

Luke

[LuckyLuke]

Hi all,

I am back in Sweden. The first interaction with W: she says "I thought you were coming home next weekend - you said the 18th" - I say "no, I left the 18th"...

Daughter is neutral and at least tolerates me being with her; she has grown taller again.

wife still seems antimagnetic - basically only speaks to me when spoken to - the dinner call was "daughter name, dinner!"... When I asked her if she needed the car tomorrow , she said "no, where are you going?" (to have snow tires put on).

Also, there is an article on internet dating laying on the living room table, another 'sign' I think. More painting and renovation has been done as well.

I have the occasional attack of sadness just now, when thinking of what may be being lost (garden is fall beautiful...)

Where does disrespect start?

Still, I assert myself, recounting a tale at dinner, though with no response or pick up on theme by W, and do not hesitate to go where I want/need to.

Daughter and W are downstairs, both, now, not sure whether they are sleeping and working in the 2 person guest room, or just together there for now. Musical rooms, this, I go up, they go down?

I see Swedish T tomorrow, and will Skype with American T later this week. Men's lunch club kickoff is on Thursday.

Coming home isn't always easy, I guess, but my chin is up and I am keeping faith (nice to have a few women smile at me yesterday in Manhattan).

Luke

[LuckyLuke]

Oh, and W has returned a photo of me in my younger days, hiking and looking nice, along with a picture of my grandma.

Daughter and she are in guest room, door closed, on the other side of the living room.

The mom of a friend of our daughter's comes over, I answer the door and talk for a bit, W then comes, glares at me, which I ignore and go on talking, and then I say bye. W minds me talking? What? Time to say something? I have a perfect right to talk to this friend also.

Luke

[JayMan]

I wouldn't say anything about the talk - just enjoy your talk to the friend. If W glares, smile back!

Assertion doesn't necessarily mean saying something about everything, it means if you want to do an action, then do it. If W doesn't like it, tough. I'm not saying to go out of your way to be a jerk, or to do stuff you know will annoy her on purpose; but you gauged it right. You have a perfect right to talk to that friend.

[LuckyLuke]

Hi Jon,

Thanks. Yeah, it felt right. Will see if I can adopt your dim strategy with my W also (read your thread).

Now to work on the PMA - all the negativity from W is wearing.

I sometimes wish I could understand where all this negativity is coming from, and so better excise the rot.

Luke

[JayMan]

Don't worry about her negativity or excising her rot. When I stopped worrying about convincing W of her wrongness, and started working on me, she noticed. And I feel like I'm a BABY at this.

PMA is great! Quit worrying about what room she's in. I used to catch myself worrying about whether W was with EA, all worked up, and she would text me something about grocery shopping with step-kids. I realized I was allow negative silly worry to beat me up. I read somewhere that worry doesn't do anything to solve a problem, and its so simple, but so true!

[LuckyLuke]

I just feel like there has been an irrevocable decision made (not that I can directly affect it anyway... she said "nothing you can do will change my mind"), and W has closed all avenues leading to her heart. I was dark for nearly a month, and then come back to the same hostility and rejection.

Not that this changes anything on my part, I guess, but I can't imagine staying with such lousy treatment for much longer. If only there were some glimmer of warmth, an even mildly friendly word, or a small change from this seemingly inevitable march to our mutual funeral. Perhaps a D is best, much as I hate the idea.

My birthday is in early December. I still have 7 days of vacation to take before Christmas - as daughter has said no to any trips, I guess these will need to be by myself (and I would so like to show the kids more of the world and connect better with them before they are too old).

Luke

[2thepoint]

Not that this changes anything on my part, I guess, but I can't imagine staying with such lousy treatment for much longer. If only there were some glimmer of warmth, an even mildly friendly word, or a small change from this seemingly inevitable march to our mutual funeral. Perhaps a D is best, much as I hate the idea.

If her heart is indeed closed, then why do you subject yourself to "such lousy treatment". Aren't you worth more than that, Lucky? And, you really have to stop searching for signs of life. If they are there, they'll make themselves known. You are really punishing yourself, and to what end? Hasn't your W done enough punishing? Isn't it time to pick up the pieces and see what the next chapter looks like?

My birthday is in early December. I still have 7 days of vacation to take before Christmas - as daughter has said no to any trips, I guess these will need to be by myself (and I would so like to show the kids more of the world and connect better with them before they are too old).

Why not go on vacation by yourself. Do something you have always wanted to do. Don't talk yourself out of it, just go. The kids will come around in their time.

Six months after BD, I went with friends to Spain. Totally on a whim with very little planning. Loved the experience and, truth be known, the trip helped me imagine a life beyond my miserable existence. And I had new stories to tell. The old ones were getting, well...old!

Carpe Diem!