Unlearning conflict avoidance 7

[JayMan]

This still sounds weak and neutered. My D13 would never think to tell me what, if anything, to being her.

[LuckyLuke]

No, no, this was not her telling me what to bring her, but her forbidding me to bring the household something. How about:

" XXX – I am bringing salsa. I think you will find that being polite when making requests produces better results than what you wrote. "

Luke

[makingmagic]

Luke... its better, needs polishing up a bit. Too wordy.

maybe try.... XXX - I am bringing salsa. Politeness = better results. Miss you, Dad.

Today... h was being obnoxious/demanding on the phone. I stated "If you are going to keep talking to me like that, I'm going to hang up".... not quite boxed (positive, negative, positive) the way my IC suggested....but, its a start. He quickly changed his tune.

Good luck.

[PatientMan]

I'd probably bring back so much salsa that customs would stop me on suspicious grounds. Then for the first week, at least, I'd eat it every single night very loudly with moans and "mmmmmmmm"s and "aaaaahhhhhh"s and proclaiming how delicious it is and how happy I am that I brought so much of it back.

-PM

[LuckyLuke]

Hi all,

Thanks for your various inputs. This is the text going to D tonight (her 4am):

Hi XXX - I am bringing salsa. I think you will find that being polite when making requests produces better results than what you wrote. Miss you, Pa.

MM - there is a book called "power of a positive no" that espouses the positive-negative-positive arrangement you talk about. The Hi and Miss you above are intended to be the positive elements in the message. It sounds like you are walking the walk on being assertive - good!

Are you being assertive in other areas also? How?

PM - yes, life without salsa and hot sauce definitely lacks spice (haha). Our Swedish friends often break out in a sweat when we have them over for dinner... I had a hot sauce break a few trips ago, and much luggage stank of it. Going through customs ('any food to declare, sir?') was exciting.

I am looking forward for more opportunities to push back (W will get a (rehearsed) earful when she asks if I've had a chance to think). Will keep you posted -

Thanks again to all,

L

[makingmagic]

Hi Luke... Thanks for the referral... I will check it out!

I am trying that "assertive walk" on for size, sure hope it fits.

You suggest trying it in other areas?... like where? I'm open to hearing you.

Ultimately, being assertive and not taking his disrespectful ways on me may make me look like a b*tch. I'm hoping I can do this without that label. After spending 20 years catering to his whims that eventually lead to the end of our R, I am hopeful that in doing this for ME, at the very least... I gain self-respect. Honestly, I do not want to be the "walked on carpet" anymore or take anymore further "punching bag" antics just to "keep the peace", it really got me no where in the end.

I hope you can do the same. One comment at a time!

Magic!

[LuckyLuke]

MM - I think assertiveness is also about living life as you want it. For example, suppose you are at a party and do not like it. An unassertive response might be to tolerate it, and so waste time. An assertive response would be to leave, thanking the organizers for inviting you.
I'll plug going to EE here, which I found very helpful, particularly if you live in the Philadelphia area.
Okay, ad over -

You have the same right to life, time and freedom as your spouse. Or put differently, you have no less rights than they do. So expect something of them also - forget his whims - if your spouse wants you he should want YOU, the real McCoy, the whole enchilada. Be kind, honest, generous, by all means, but not at excessive cost to yourself.

Talk back, walk out on poor treatment, push back; you have a perfect right (an excellent book, btw) to be treated well, and to expect that of your partner.

It might be useful to list his behaviors and your responses to them (which is your thread?) on this site and get feedback. We may not get our relationships straightened out, but we can find our self-respect again.

Luke

[LuckyLuke]

Message to d15 went out last night. I realized I was hesitant and nervous about this, outside of my comfort zone. A timely pushing back when W treats me badly will be important.

Also, what other 'blows to the gut' can be expected in the next months? I imagine some low points, that may or may not come to pass, could be

o w telling friends we are d
o w packing things up
o w telling kids we are d

It'd be good to be prepared, somehow, for these, detached. Any suggestions on what might be coming down the pike and how to prepare?

Thanks,

Luke

[KenF]

LL
expect a blow to the gut from your D in response to your txt.
not because you were wrong, you werent. but because it may become a dominance thing, or "hand" as Seinfeld called it. She'll want to recapture the upper hand that you took by telling her she was out of line.

if it does happen, then stick with your assertiveness and while you dont want to attack, dont back down.

have you ever read The Fountainhead or Atlas Shrugged? both these books deal with personal boundaries, and not backing down from your beliefs. i've found them to be motivating.

[KenF]

also, while i think its important to be prepared for specific events, what tends to happen is that these events never happen and you're blindsided by the unexpected.

instead, maybe spend the time becoming stronger all around, make sure you're clear with yourself on your beliefs. If your beliefs are cloudy or not clearly defined, then think about how you would define them. Put them into words that you can explain to someone clearly and within a short paragraph. Know that you are justified in protecting your beliefs and standing up for yourself.

Find your inner strength so that you're more prepared for anything that comes your way.