Unlearning conflict avoidance 7

[LuckyLuke]

Dear 2tp,

I am unclear on what you are saying - do you think a D is best? Yes, I am worth more than than being treated like I have been.

I am saying the old "judge, insult, ignore and mistreat Luke" marriage is dead, no longer acceptable. What is picking up the pieces then? Piecing? A new woman?

From your signature block, perhaps one of us should move out, but we keep the house together? Or is that just life support for a terminal, vegetative, patient? Pull the plug and he dies?

Yes, exactly, carpe diem, but what does it imply exactly? Being lonely and alone I am practiced and good at - it would be nice to have some love, companionship, and more of my very dear daughter in my life for a change. Right now she spends 95% of her time at home with W.

Thanks,

Luke

[LuckyLuke]

Okay, I just had a very good session with T, who identified 180s, in particular touching my W, as the key to a possible improvement in our R. She said these touches should be short, unexpected, and fleeting (as in passing by W, on the way out of a room, I stroke her shoulder or cheek, not giving her time to block the emotional intrusion).

She also further said that my W, who has been described as a "wild beauty" has a different love language than my patient, rational person has been speaking, and that feeling is what she craves, and what I need to give. It sure does feel good and right to touch and be touched -

Wow - I am nervous about touching my W - but exactly that indicates it is out of my comfort zone and so what I should do.

She didn't have time to give more examples of 180s, unfortunately, but this feels like the biggest one.

I am playing with the thought of going to EE for my remaining vacation days. It'd be nice to spend my vacation with people.

Now to find the daring and strength to touch my W.

Luke

[LuckyLuke]

And on the (very small) plus side, there was a note from her this morning, explaining why she had made a tomato sauce and that I was welcome to it, followed by her asking me to go out and pick apples for storage, as she just hadn't had time. The note had neither name ("Hi -") nor signature, but I feel like we still have a household, though in a small way.

I just went out and got tulips, tall, flame shaped bulbs, hot orange, that I will secretly plant (need to ask d15 where to put them), a bit of floral assertion and a hopeful offering to the future.

Luke

[KenF]

why ask D15? the new assertive Luke would plant them where ever he pleased.

[LuckyLuke]

And get a cross of potatoes and tulips? Neither tasty nor beautiful!

L

[makingmagic]

Luke.... just seeing this now.

I have not lived a life of my own. I was ever so cautious to live the one that was available to me through my h.... created on his terms. So, now seeking my own time causes a struggle within. I am learning. I feel guilty, alot.

I agree.. if H wants me he should want ME... the real me. All of me (whoever I am, whomever I am turning into).

From here on out I will "speak back, walk out on poor treatment, push back, etc."

I have the right to be respected!

You do too Luke!!

[LuckyLuke]

Just calling it out is great, and yes, you do - we all do - everyone on this planet does - has a right to be respected. As my T put it, you have no less right than other people to respect.

I am playing with the thought of going to EE (highly recommended, btw) again, next month, which would certainly reveal a lot of the true me, and which would be a real surprise for W. She might not respect it, but that is her problem.

Luke

[LuckyLuke]

W just got a call, and the phone is in my (tight) office. I briefly and lightly rested my fingertips on her back in squeezing by to make room for her - chickened out from the full hand resting on her -

This is exactly the scenario my T said I should exploit - touch her briefly, in leaving, before she has time to react and think. A fully confident guy would have rested whole his hand on her, longer - next time must be better!

Luke

[sandi2]

I'm amazed your children were conceived!

[LuckyLuke]

It took a while, but we got it figured out ;}